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My last ditch plan for getting out of debt is to sit in a cage at the SPCA and hope a rich family thinks I'm cute.

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no police record at all.

Back when I was a kid, I didn't need LeBron James to tell me to ride my bike. I just did it, because my parents used to hit me.

What happens at rock bottom stays at rock bottom.

"Don't you see? The Phantom Menace was just a place we all constructed, so we could hate something together."

Ted, we need to talk about how secretly dosing the staff with LSD is NOT "an optimal way to facilitate team-building and other cool shit."

 Imagine Phoebe Cates is somewhere masturbating to someone masturbating to Judge Reinhold masturbating to Phoebe Cates.

"Son, my entire life will have been for nothing if I die before seeing a bloody street brawl between a bunch of clowns and mimes."


Not enough people are naturally selected.

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