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Taking the Thump Off the Bible in 30 Minutes Flat.

I have a jicky doorbell. Half the time it works and half the time it won't work. Typical of outsourced products. Today, it decided to ring. But, I digress.

Two women stood at the door. Both wore gray. One wore a hat style I last observed in 1957 and the other wore a wooden cross, that if it had been a state, it would be Delaware. Each had gray hair and ladled on makeup. In their hands was the Good Book. Two of them. Must have been on sale or lifted from hotel rooms in the smug section of town.

I've got to hand it to them, though. They have guts wanting to be delusional. I give them a point for that alone.

"What you want this cold, blustery morning?" I said while opening the door.

That's when the Good Book smooze began. I was promised everything but the the proverbial pony. My soul would be saved! I would feel the love of Jesus! If I repented, I would live in glory!

Well, having a few extra minutes in my normal dreary day, I invited them in out of the cold wind. While they settled into the sofa and then sinking to the ground, I made some Dollar Store coffee. Ain't no glory in poverty, you know? I began my plan of attack while they sipped.

"Just so I fully understand why you both are here, is because you want to talk with me about the Good Book, is that correct?" I said.

Ten minutes of spewing came the answer. Yes. They were there to share the word and bring Jesus into my miserable life. Then again, most of my friends are miserable too, so I guess today was my lucky day, kinda.

"Well, tell me something." I began. "Those good books of yours bona fide? They look mighty puny. Don't think yours have all the parts. Just those parts others feel is OK to read. What you have there is a cheap version for people who think they know it all, anyway."

As the Creator is my witness, you would have thought I had committed some type of blasphemy upon them. They jerked, grunted, gagged, teared up and one almost swallowed her lower plate. Scary moment there, you betcha.

Never being one to wait until one crisis is over, I began another. It is my way in things dealing with religious organizations.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I do a naughty? I sincerely apologize. Really, I do. But, I'll tell you what, I am more than prepared to discuss the Good Book if you can answer one question," I intoned.

Lots of wiggling around on the sofa, then lots of whispering behind hands. Finally, they agreed with one addition. If they answered my question correctly I would join their church.

"Agreed!" I said with gusto, while they sat back in the sofa and then into the wall. I've really got to scronge around for a better sofa. This was really getting bad.

"What is Jesus' actual name?" I asked quietly and with reverance.

Deer in headlights didn't even relate to the look on their faces. It was really quiet for a long, long time. Actually, I thought maybe they were dead, but finally they jerked themselves up from the sofa, grabbed their Good Books and headed for the portal.

"Whoa! Wait!" I said, "Too hard?"

With thier backs to me they leaned against the wind and tried to gracefully walk down the drive way. That's when I lowed the boom.

"Yeshua ben Pantera!" I yelled to their backs. "Really, go read the parts those people controlling your life and stealing your money, don't want you to know!"

The day was no longer dreary. They came, we talked, I conquered.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (7+ / 0-)

    Poverty and Income Inequality isn't Democratic, Justice or American. It is Tyranny.

    by Wendys Wink on Wed Jan 30, 2013 at 01:59:25 PM PST

  •  But... (0+ / 0-)

    1---you spelled it wrong
    2---you are probably incorrect

  •  You're a lot kinder than I (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Syoho, Wendys Wink

    I ask them what Jephthah did to his daughter.  And why was he mentioned in the NT as a 'man of faith', and if what he did was wrong then how come it was ok when Abraham attempted to do the same to Isaac?

    But mostly I just mumble something about "I don't have time for this bullshit" and close the door.

    190 milliseconds....

    by Kingsmeg on Wed Jan 30, 2013 at 06:09:00 PM PST

  •  well done (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Wendys Wink

    and bonus marks for knowing that little factlet.

    Yes, according to some Hebrew scholars and texts the real name of Jesus was Yehuda Ben Pantera. Pantera was a Roman soldier who raped Mary, thus making Jesus an oppressors rape baby and a bastard, as well as a rebel Rabbi.

    It is fair to point out though that said texts are as highly contested and questioned as the ones penned by Josephus about the cargo cult character known as Jesus that Christians like to cite, despite the fact its known that those texts are in part at least middle ages forgeries.

    My own stumper for evangelical Biblical Literalists is the Sun and Earth question -

    "Does the Sun go around the Earth, or the Earth around the Sun? You see that infallible word of God book that is totally correct says the Sun goes around the Earth. That's why the Catholic Church locked poor old Gallileo up. The same section also says the Earth is flat, has four corners and they are held up on pillars, that in turn support four more pillars that hold up a solid firmament or sky with holes in it that the light of heaven shines through and they're the stars we see......So... that infallible word of God book....errrrr".

    •  Wow, thank you. I've seen the name spelled three (0+ / 0-)

      different ways, though. :-) Actually, I believe it more so than the standard junk offered up. But, I am going to use your idea next time the God Squad shows up. Thanks!

      Poverty and Income Inequality isn't Democratic, Justice or American. It is Tyranny.

      by Wendys Wink on Thu Jan 31, 2013 at 05:49:54 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  I'm stealing this (0+ / 0-)

    for the next time I have Jehova's Witnesses at my door some early Saturday morning.  Now I just tell them "No, I'm not interested in eternal life if I have to spend it with a bunch of Jehova's Witnesses."

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