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I don't have time to talk. These multiple intruders are breaking into my house, and I want to keep my cool so I can empty round after round into them as they pop into the room from windows, air ducts, and a hole in my floor. I just want to make it clear that I need an assault rifle with a high-capacity magazine. Each one of these thugs is impossibly-muscled and hopped up on some kind of powerful street drug. Probably that zombie bath salt stuff I've been hearing about.

Excuse me. I had to execute a somersault over the buffet, give my toddler the sippy cup he dropped, and then whirl around and line up two assailants so I could kill them with one shot. My jumpsuit is torn and sweaty - and I'm very well-endowed, so this thing's almost coming off. One of the attackers leered at me, but I was able to crush his Adam's apple with a martial arts hand strike and finish him off with my katana before wasting his entire crew in the front parlor. Damn, I just cleaned that floor. Oh well. It's hard being a mother and a woman in today's America. But this AR-15 helps me do it all. It's important to help women get what they need to protect themselves and their families.

You know what would work even better? One of those prosthetic machine gun legs the chick had in the Tarantino movie. That would be awesome. I think I have the figure to pull it off, too.

Or maybe a Harry Potter wand. I could use it to zap all these dudes at once.

Or maybe a pet Manticore on a chain. Congress needs to stop regulating the Manticores I need to make my children safe.

Even cooler would be if I could make people's heads explode just by thinking about it.

I mean, as long as I am a completely fictional character - a combination of male fantasy and useful approximation of feminism for conservatives. And of course you'd need one or two women to sign on to this nonsense for the speech on TV. The same way you need to find a woman to back an extremist anti-choice position using the language of choice. Why do conservatives talking about women's issues always sound like Steve Carell's 40 year-old virgin trying to describe how a breast feels? Anyway, all this will work as long as you ignore the fact that 69 percent of women want tougher gun control. Or that the most recent FBI crime reports show that a murdered child is more likely to have been killed by a firearm than by any other weapon. Or that the NRA has spent decades fighting to suppress research so you won't know whether having a gun in the home actually makes you safer.

A mom defending her children with assault rifles. A militia protecting their homes from the military. Have you noticed how often the gun lobby depends on hypotheticals that sound like stupid action movies you've seen? But of course in the real world, the ugly one we have to live in, the NRA's power depends on boring, depressing things you already know about, like white fear and obscene amounts of campaign money. And in the real world the AR-15 is indeed a "light," "accurate" weapon that handles easily for engaging many targets. And most importantly, as Gayle Trotter said, it's a "scary-looking" weapon. In the middle of Trotter's delirious posturing she actually described why it's the perfect weapon for a mentally ill person to use in their awful role-playing exercise where they walk into a school and kill someone else's child. And then kill many, many more. But everyone's hoping if I sound dramatic enough, you won't think about that.

A magic spear. I'd like a magic spear. Wearing my fur bikini atop my dragon mount, I could swoop down on my enemies. I'd have to find someone to watch Porter and Jackson and Mackenzie. Maybe the elves could open a daycare. We need elf daycare in America. Less ridiculous political rhetoric would help. But elf daycare's crucial.

NOTE: Please read more of my stuff, like how I'm a bizarre minor character in Tina Fey's book, or The Clarifications Of Pat Robertson - A Celebration. Or you can pay 99 cents and buy my bizarre love story about life in a fashion magazine, which is kinda sorta the true story of how I married my wife (Kindle/Nook).

Originally posted to on Thu Jan 31, 2013 at 11:21 AM PST.

Also republished by Shut Down the NRA.

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