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The NRA, as many even of its members will acknowledge, has taken quite a publicity beating over the past several weeks since CEO Wayne LaPierre began suggesting that schools be surrounded with minefields and machine-gun turrets rather than adopt the slightest federal gun control measure.  But there is evidence of a strategic shift taking place in the leadership: As part of its gun advocacy mission, the NRA has decided to do damage control by educating the public about the organization's unique philosophy and how it can be applied to various mundane activities and issues.  The following is an advance copy of a new NRA pamphlet doing just that, which I've obtained through my vast intelligence network.

Firearm Philosophy & You: How Faith in Unlimited Destructive Power Can Help with Everyday Problems:

[Copyright (c) National Rifle Association, a wholly-owned subsidiary of America's weapons manufacturing corporations.  All rights reserved...for rich white people (all others will be shot on sight as presumed criminals).]

All over America, patriotic citizens like yourself are wondering "How can I use lethal weapons more often in my daily life to deal with problems?"  Well, Mr. and Mrs. American, this is not a new question: Even back in ancient times, people looked for new and creative uses for their swords beyond merely flaying one's enemies and using their skin as wallpaper (see the Arts & Crafts section of this pamphlet).  But in today's society, more than ever we have to look beyond the immediate uses of a tool and look as well at the philosophy behind it, and in that way the importance of firearms is very clear.  

Very simply, we at the NRA believe that the way to achieve security is to ensure that Good People are always more heavily armed than Bad People.  And the way to guarantee this very specific outcome is to have no gun control, licensing, or monitoring whatsoever, and just let the free market decide who is Good and who is Bad.  After all, who ever heard of an immoral rich man, or a psychopath who could afford the cost of a firearm?  The very idea is Communist and un-American.  In truth, the more guns there are, and the fewer restrictions on them, the more the market can work its moral magic by weeding out everyone too weak to defend themselves, just like what happened in Afghanistan when Kalashnikovs became ubiquitous: An unparalleled reign of peace, prosperity, and security.  

We too can have that in America.  We just have to realize that the solution to any problem is to have no limits on the destructive power of that problem, and it will all just work itself out somehow.  Some people might call this "social Darwinism," and we say those people should be killed.  First off, we at the NRA do not believe in the theories of Charles Darwin, nor do we like the word "social," nor do we acknowledge the right of anyone to disagree with us.  In fact, the whole preceding subject did not happen - you did not just read it.  If you insist that you did just read it, have a look down the barrel of this gun for our counterargument.

Anyway, this philosophy of unlimited destructiveness isn't only for guns: It works well in everyday situations that we all face, and that is the purpose of this pamphlet - to educate the public about the moral, philosophical, and practical foundations of the policies supported by the NRA.  Here are just a few:

1.  Obesity.

Some people would say the solution to a problem like obesity is to eat fewer calories and less fat, eat a healthier diet overall, and get regular exercise.  Those people are Communists.  We at the NRA want to offer the special wisdom of gun advocacy on this matter, which the American public sorely needs to hear: The cure for obesity is to eat as much fat and as many calories as possible, and cram as much fat and as many calories as you can down the throats of other people even if they are unwilling.  In fact, force-feed pure gobs of cholesterol down your children's gullets at every meal, and do not allow anything even resembling a fruit or vegetable into a meal.  Moreover, limit movement as much as possible so that there is little exercise.  

How else are people going to learn how to defend themselves from the ill effects of obesity unless they're forced to become grotesquely obese their whole lives?  Diet and exercise just make people weak, so that when obesity finally does come, they have no defenses.  Just like in Nazi Germany.

2.  Poverty.        

Firstly, guns produce a lot of jobs in various fields such as EMT, police, coroners, trauma care, physical therapy, wheelchair manufacturing and sales, casket-making, headstones, gravediggers, handicapped accessibility products, obituary writing, PTSD counseling, and prosthetics.  If all gun-related violent crime were to disappear overnight, all those people would be out of a job, and what's a few thousand dead or maimed people a year compared to a steady income for the rest?  Death and injury create jobs, and guns create death and injury, ergo the fastest way to a better economy is to shoot as many people as possible.  

But let's get more abstract: If you really want to solve poverty once and for all, you have to start making as much of it as possible.  Just as having lots of lethal weapons everywhere makes people safe, being one false move from starvation will motivate people to stop being poor, which is why sub-Saharan Africa is such a paradise full of prosperous people and safe communities: They have the benefit of both lots of guns and lots of poverty.  But people shouldn't have to leave America to experience these benefits: We can have them right here, and in fact have made major progress toward returning to these ideal conditions.  Unsafe environments make people safe; poverty makes people prosperous.  Up is down, black is white, slavery is freedom, and so on - just like it says in the Bible.

3.  Breast cancer

Now, NRA members are not very familiar with women's breasts except in free internet content, but we are assured that breast cancer is a serious problem.  Why women are so stupid that they keep getting cancer in their boobs, who knows, but hey, they're women, so what are you gonna do?  Well, for one thing, you can save their lives by using their cancer as a part of marxmanship training: Use small caliber bullets and shoot those tumors right out!  This would save on the cost of medical bills, since you know most doctors are greedy Jews anyway who vastly overcharge.

But even if you don't want to take this approach, the NRA philosophy can help: Give the woman cancer in other parts of her body too - in fact, as many as possible - so that the cancers can compete and get in each other's way.  By the time her entire body is racked with it, she'll be in perfect health, and a superb metaphor for the kind of paradise that will exist once we totally remove every last vestige of gun control in America.

4.  Pest control

Suppose you have a cockroach problem.  You could, if you were some kind of effeminate Communist faggot, just clean your house so that the roaches have nothing to eat.  Others might lay down traps to eliminate the roaches by slow poison, but these people are fucking boring - where's the fun in that?  We at the NRA have the best solution: Introduce deadly spiders into your house that specialize in eating cockroaches.  Maybe they might be a danger to you, but don't be a pussy - you have guns and can shoot them at any time, so they'll know better than to bite you.  Besides, if the spiders get out of control, you can then introduce some snakes into your house that eat them.  Again, since you're armed, these snakes won't mess with you.  To keep the snake population under control, introduce weasels and ferrets.  To keep the weasels and ferrets under control, bears and wolves would suffice.  And, of course, since you have guns, keeping the bears and wolves to manageable numbers would be easy.

If this sounds like we're telling you to turn your house into a literal jungle, you are correct: That's exactly what we suggest doing.  Just like we suggest turning the rest of your community and country into a jungle.  In fact, don't even waste time trying to maintain infrastructure and buildings - tear it all down and return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle, where Real Men ride mountain lions and live full, happy lives of 24 years.  That would deal with the Social Security problem, and a lot of others besides.  See, the solution to pests is to become one; the solution to home problems is to have no home; the solution to problems that threaten civilization is to end civilization.  That is, except for the part of it that manufactures firearms and secures the money of the people who own the gun factories.


To learn more about the National Rifle Association, visit your local in-patient psychiatric facility for violent offenders, or visit us on the web at

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