White gentlemen and other inferior subspecies of the legislature,
The State of our State is great. We have successfully arrested 752 old women attempting to play bingo in church, ridding our state of this evil disease. In the name of Jesus we have driven over a dozen gay kids to commit suicide thanks to our hard-fought efforts to make them feel worthless for their sexuality. The last two Jews in our state are almost intimidated enough to leave.
Our state was recently shown to be the most conservative of the 50 United States even though we rank 6th in the United States in Federal money receipts -- Alabama takes in $2.03 Federal dollars for every $1.00 it gives to the national government.
We have a 7.1% unemployment rate, but rather than work to lower it, we'd rather pass laws screwing our most vulnerable citizens out of key Obamacare protections, pass personhood laws banning abortion because Bible, and vote 60.7% not to remove racist language from the Alabama Constitution.
As governor, I publicly called Obamacare "the worst law passed in my lifetime." I'm 70 years old. All those segregation laws in my state were nothing compared to that goddamn Muslim trying to give undeserving poor people healthcare.
Let's make the White House white again.
Thank you. God bless Alabama.