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We have a plan to fix almost everything, okay? We've taken out our most obnoxious members. We'll control who gets the big money to run for office, and we're going to keep hiding the people who actually donate it. You already know about Fox News getting Frank Luntz on the air to coach us about how to use completely different words for everything we need to say. You see the game? Republicans are going to win with a strategy of completely concealing who we are, what we want, and everyone who supports us. Nothing, absolutely nothing, gets out.

But I'm going to need your help. You, the millions of people out there who still vote Republican. You need to shut the fuck up now.

Because it's no problem to stuff a candidate into a storage locker and give his groin electrical shocks until he stops making rape-baby comments. I can do that, okay? I can make sure every Republican politician is saying safe, vanilla things about marriage equality, so no one knows how much of a whack-job he is.

But I can't stop Republicans, ordinary Republicans, from talking. And as long as you bastards keep talking, people out there are going to continue to have a clear idea of what the Republican party is.

You see how that works? You see how you're ruining it for us?

If you're a 22 year-old who just read Atlas Shrugged, you need to stop blogging about it. If you're a middle-aged white dude who only communicates with his estranged children through racist chain emails, you must promise never to hit the send button again. You need to stop talking about your AR-15, and you need to stop showing up at the Wal-Mart in full camo.

You're a business owner, maybe, and you're kind of pissed about Obama? Take the bumper stickers off your car, and no more sharing in the employee break room. And no goddamn talking about the Rapture ever, ever again.

Are we clear? Because if you don't listen to me, the only places we'll be competitive are districts composed solely of people who plan to shoot someone within the next 30 minutes and actual Confederate veterans. Mostly northern Florida I guess.

You are the face of the GOP, and right now we really, really need to hide that face. Because Michele Bachmann isn't the only problem here. It's that everyone in America knows someone exactly like her. And they realize all those Michele Bachmann clones vote, which drives them to the polls. And we lose.

Quiet down, you freaks. Give me a couple billion and another election cycle, and then I promise you, you'll all be able to come out and play.

NOTE: Please read my piece about how we should clearly label satire on the web.

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Comment Preferences

  •  But man, shuting them up ain't going to be easy (8+ / 0-)

    These guys have been living on a diet of fear and hate for a long time. And you want them to go straight Cold Turkey? Not going to happen.

    •  Well paid fearmongering. (0+ / 0-)

      That's the key. That's since Fred Koch and Harry Bradley used their billions to make the John Birch Society the driving force of Far Right propaganda.

      There's no way to shut them up. Fergitaboutit. These guys are dedicated paranoids with schemes for every public issue: John Childs, Dean "Dino" Cortopassi, Joe Craft, Rich and Helen DeVos, Dick & Joyce Farmer, Foster & Lynn Friess, Steve & Polly Friess, Jerry and Leah Fullinwider, Richard & Leslie Gilliam, Ken and Anne Dias Griffin, Richard & Ethie Haworth, Diane Hendricks, Ethelmae & son David Humphreys, Kenneth & Frayda Levy, Elaine Marshall. Art and Kathy Pope, Corbin & Barbara Robertson, Karen Wright, Tom & Karen Rastin, Peter Smith, Ron Cameron, Harold & Sue Ann Hamm, Jerry and Marilyn Hayden, Virginia James, John Menard, John Moran, Charles Schwab, Paul Singer, and John & Josephine Templeton Jr.

      That's the Koch-lover wing of rightie politics.

      "Have you left no sense of decency, sir, at long last?" Army Attorney to Sen. McCarthy, 1954. "We have done nothing to be ashamed of. We have nothing to apologize for." NRA 12/14/2012.

      by bontemps2012 on Fri Feb 08, 2013 at 02:02:04 PM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Sane GOPers should join the Democrats (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    BadKitties, Lujane

    We are the big tent party.

    Let the reactionaries and social conservative idiots stew in their own juices.

    •  They Did, for 40 Years. We Are the Conservative (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      polecat, qofdisks, LeftArmed

      party that only includes some progressives. They are the rightwing party.

      We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for victims of our nation and for those it calls enemy.... --ML King "Beyond Vietnam"

      by Gooserock on Fri Feb 08, 2013 at 11:06:37 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

    •  An amazing fact about Louisiana... (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      bontemps2012, Lujane

      ... as of Feb 1, 2013 (according to the Secretary of State's office):
      Registered Democrats: 1,401,897
      Registered Republicans: 807,970
      Registered Other Parties: 706,356*  

      * (before you jump to conclusions about "other parties", over 200K who identify as "registered other" are non-white, so they probably aren't republicans).

      Yet we are the state which brings you Vitter, Jindal, and a cast of characters willing to vote against aid to Sandy victims in the House.  Nor could we earn President Obama a win in 2012.

      I haven't been here long enough to be considered a Kossack, does that mean that I'm just a sack?

      by Hey338Too on Fri Feb 08, 2013 at 11:48:32 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  And herein lies the dilemma for the GOP. (7+ / 0-)

    Their "crazy" wing is the wing of the true believers.  They absolutely believe they are absolutely right.  And many of them believe they are divinely inspired/authorized to speak.  And they believe that anyone who says otherwise is evil, the devil, the enemy...  Blah blah blah

    So, good luck with that.  

  •  Big man, pig man, ha ha charade you are! (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    qofdisks, Shippo1776

    And when your hand is on your heart, you're nearly a good laugh.
    Almost a joker.

    Buy Aldus Shrugged : The Antidote to Ayn Rand, and tear Ayn and the GOP new orifices. ALL ROYALTIES BETWEEN NOW AND MARCH 1, DONATED TO THIS SITE, DAILYKOS!! @floydbluealdus1

    by Floyd Blue on Fri Feb 08, 2013 at 10:50:53 AM PST

  •  He REALLY needs to shut up (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    The wacko GOPers in state office, such as those in VA, ND, MI, who keep relentlessly attacking women and their reproductive rights. I'm hoping that the gender gap will be even BIGGER in 2014 and 2016, as it has become virtually impossible for these stupid men to pass their legislation unnoticed and unchallenged.

    "...Males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes.” —Newt Gingrich in 1995

    by BadKitties on Fri Feb 08, 2013 at 10:54:25 AM PST

  •  HR for causing my popcorn stock to go down! (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:


    Happy little moron, Lucky little man.
    I wish I was a moron, MY GOD, Perhaps I am!
    —Spike Milligan

    by polecat on Fri Feb 08, 2013 at 11:24:55 AM PST

  •  Their motto: If it's bad for America, (0+ / 0-)

    then good !!

    We got a ridiculous example out of Pennsylvania this week. Their so-called governor said that the state could not afford to expand Medicare. That's bringing new spending into the state totaling $37.8-billion.

    State contribution could run as high as $2.6-billion. One expenditure per year.

    -- $37.8-billion times 3.07% PA income tax rate would return $1.2-billion to the Pennsylvania state coffers.

    -- $37.8-billion times 6% sales tax rate would return $2.7-billion to the Pennsylvania state coffers.

    The stimulus effects of this Medicare expansion will pay for half to all of the state costs on the first spending cycle, not to speak of multiplier effects.

    Corbett is out to sabotage his state.

    Spending an extra $37.8-billion returns somewhere between $1.2- and $2.7-billion to the state as revenue on the first iteration of expanded health care spending.

    You also have standard economic multiplier effects -- simple Econ 101 stuff -- explained here:

    -- The Multiplier Effect Review for High School AP Economics

    Using a two-year planning horizon, the $37.8-billion would generate more than two-and-a-half times the economic activity. A sensible approximation for this multtplier effect yields tax revenue increases above $5-billion.

    Read that as two times the revenue for Pennsylvania, compared to the state contribution for the Medicare expansion.

    Pennsylvania comes out ahead for government revenue, any way you look at it.

    These Tea Party Bircher Madness creeps such as Corbett have no idea how capitalist economies work. Or else they are saboteurs.

    What else ???

    "Have you left no sense of decency, sir, at long last?" Army Attorney to Sen. McCarthy, 1954. "We have done nothing to be ashamed of. We have nothing to apologize for." NRA 12/14/2012.

    by bontemps2012 on Fri Feb 08, 2013 at 02:12:43 PM PST

  •  Exclusive footage of the GOP in action: (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    some other george

    Pour yourself into the future.

    by Troubadour on Fri Feb 08, 2013 at 02:18:39 PM PST

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