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As the title suggests, the pastor of the beyond controversial Westboro Baptist Church kicks the bucket, goes to Heaven and is grilled by the holiest of bouncers.

ST. PETER: Fred Phelps, your time on Earth has ended and you must now enter your eternal home as specified in the scriptures. Just as a formality, I'm going to examine my records of your life to determine whether you can spend the afterlife in Heaven.

FRED PHELPS: I'm humbled to stand before you and the realm of The Almighty. I spent my life living in accordance to His Will and bringing numerous souls to His Flock. I will miss my family and friends on Earth, but I look forward to living forever in Heaven.

ST. PETER: My records show you were the pastor and founder of one Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas, U.S.A. Yes, it was noble of you to devote yourself full-time to The Lord. But what troubles me is your congregation's penchant for protesting military funerals.

FRED PHELPS: America's soldiers die because the country they were defending chose to embrace homosexuality. Levitivus decries a man taking another man as his partner so my church made it its mission to spread the message.

ST. PETER: Leviticus was just a man with an opinion. God is all-knowing, ominous and compassionate. Those soldiers left behind families, some with children born into a world without them. Funeral protests don't conform with His Message of unconditional love.

FRED PHELPS: With all due respect, Your Holiness, homosexuality makes a mockery of the traditional family. A child can't grow up with two fathers. A child needs a mother and a father. Genesis begins with the story of Adam and Eve. Being gay is wrong.

ST. PETER: Homosexuals are treated as the lowest of the low. The Lord said disparate treatment of society's undesirables is disparate treatment of him. Your disdain for gays makes a mockery of God's Love for all of His Children.

FRED PHELPS: I'm not a hateful man. All I did was try to save souls from a lifetime of misery and torment with Lucifer. I acknowledge that those protests were a mistake, but I believe I was doing my best for The Lord.

ST. PETER: "God Hates Fags"? God knows only love. He doesn't abhor His Creation. And it's disrespectful how you would use His Holy Name to justify a personal prejudice of yours. What do you have to say for yourself?

FRED PHELPS: I, uh, oh,.....

ST. PETER: Because of the heinous nature of your deeds, Fred Phelps, I deny you entry into Heaven. The fact you distorted The Word to hate and discriminate against those who are different from yourself gives God's Church a black eye. I have no choice, but to send you to Hell. Away with you!


Later in Hell.....

FRED PHELPS: Oh no! Where am I? I'm on fire and it hurts! Get me out of here!

SATAN: Ooh! Fresh meat! I'm sure going to enjoy this! Spread them, fag!


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