Really. I have no one in my life right now that I consider close enough to call friend. I have some acquaintances but they're very involved with their own things, etc. and that's all well and good. It's as it should be. But as of one week ago Wednesday I "lost" my best friend. And it feels...sad...odd...scary...sad...
I wrote a long diary last week detailing the account of how, after nearly 17 years, I "lost" my best friend. Here's a link if you want to trudge through details:
I picked up a bug of some kind this past weekend during the great snowstorm Nemo and had a chance to reflect on everything. Amazing the volume of thoughts you can think, and the nature of those thoughts you can have with a fever of 102, 101 - then normal. Ha! I was able to reaffirm that I did and said everything I could to try to help avert disaster and ruin in Amie's life over the past 10 years and by the end of the weekend, I felt at peace with myself about things. Since I'm a God person I prayed for healing and to be able to move on. I also prayed that Amie would get help now that she is with her family, and that she can begin to cobble the shattered pieces of her life back together when she is strong enough to do so. That in my mind would be best done after intensive therapy but that's all I can hope or wish for her at this point.
I haven't heard from Amie. She's not txtd or called and quite frankly I'm relieved because even though I'm at peace with myself I'm grateful for the time and strength that distance from her can and will give me.
That does leave me with the one looming issue: I have few friends right now. Actually only one friend: my cousin.
The thing is I don't give away the title friend to anyone and everyone I come across. I think it would be reckless to do so. I'm pretty sure I've been that way for a long time. In grade school, I had few friends even though I knew a ton of kids. Same deal in high school, I had four friends but only one best friend and tons of pals. You get the idea. So I don't take giving that title to someone lightly.
It's hard for me to trust. Very hard. Based on my background of sexual, physical and emotional abuse ages 4 - 14 it's like distrust has been hardwired into my psyche. Nine years of weekly therapy with a fantastic therapist did wonders to peel away a lot of layers and to heal me but I do think that trust might always remain a difficult thing for me to give to someone even though I've improved greatly with this concept over time.
But right now it just feels odd to have that void in my life. And no, we weren't the type of best friends to talk or txt daily but I know with the SOTU coming up I could call or hit her up via txt about how we thought Obama did, or hashed over last night's Grammy winners and losers...[sigh]
So I feel like I'm adrift somehow, like the rooms of my home are suddenly empty. I'm not completely alone of course. I talk to my dad every evening after work to see how he's doing and make sure he's ok. I email my cousin every day except for weekends. We're close and I'm glad we became friends roughly 12 years ago. And I do have my work buddies that I chat with during the day when I have time and we occasionally have group outings that are a lot of fun.
And maybe it's just me but does it seem to get harder to make friends as you get older? It's something you really have to work on. It's not like when you were kids, started playing together and the next you knew, you were friends. Or at least pals. It's not so hard to be pals once we get older but it sure does seem to be harder to become friends.
Anyway this is just me spilling my thoughts and feelings out here.