JON STEWART: All right, you're in Rome. Any inside information?
JOHN OLIVER: Well, actually, honestly, I'm hearing the name Mitt Romney floated around the lobby, Jon.
JON STEWART: Really, Romney? He's a Mormon.
JOHN OLIVER: No, no, he was a Mormon, Jon. He's evolved on that issue.
JON STEWART: Interesting.
JOHN OLIVER: I've heard the College of Cardinals also likes Santorum, as well as Gingrich, Bachmann, and Rick Perry.
JON STEWART: Rick Perry?
JOHN OLIVER: The only problem there, of course, is that Perry apparently has trouble remembering the Holy Trinity.
RICK PERRY: The Father, the Son, and... the, um... what's the third one there? Let's see....
JOHN HARWOOD: You can't name the third one?
RICK PERRY: The third one, I can't. Sorry. Oops.
JOHN OLIVER: Can't do it. He just can't do it.
JON STEWART: John, that's just last year's presidential candidates. How are they even in the running for Pope?
JOHN OLIVER: Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jon. You're absolutely right. What would they know about appealing to a floundering organization dominated by old white men, clinging to an arcane moral code, who must reluctantly embrace change to stay relevant? You're right, there's no crossover there at all, Jon. Not at all. (wild audience applause) I should just go. I'm just going to go, Jon. Unless I'm being hugely sarcastic, in which case I think I'll actually stay.
JON STEWART: All right. If that's the case, John, and the Church needs to rebrand as much as the GOP does, they gotta go Latino in this situation.
JOHN OLIVER: That's what I'm saying, Jon. They may not have a choice in this.
JON STEWART: You're saying Pope Rubio.
JOHN OLIVER: I'm saying Pope Rubio.
JON STEWART: It's gotta be Pope Rubio. All right.
JOHN OLIVER: Look at the numbers, Jon. Almost half of current Catholics live in Latin America.
And they're breeding like rabbits. They can't help it. They're literally not allowed to help it. And when you combine a religious ban on birth control, Jon, with the fiery passion of the Latino culture — ¡ay carmaba!, Jon — it's muy caliente. (audience cheering)
JON STEWART: Let me ask you this. If they go in this direction, this is an historic direction, the Pope's going to be OK with this?
JOHN OLIVER: Well, maybe not, Jon. Let's not rule out what Vatican watchers here are calling the Full Leno scenario.
JON STEWART: Full Leno?
JOHN OLIVER: Yeah. Benedict steps down, promising his job to a younger guy, then after looking at a lonely future with no children and just his huge collection of Popemobiles for company, he comes back a few months later demanding his old job.
JON STEWART: Or Benedict says the new guy can have his job, but he keeps on blessing people an hour before his successor does.
JOHN OLIVER: Exactly, Jon. And if that happens, I'm going full Team Popo on this.
JON STEWART: Yeah! I'm with Popo!
JOHN OLIVER: Popo! Popo! Popo!
JON STEWART: John Oliver, we'll be right back.
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getting hacked, revealing to all of us George W. Bush's paintings.