At great risk to my sanity, I infiltrated a top-secret planning meeting for the Conservative Political Action Committee. (Actually, it wasn’t that hard: I wore a Mitt Romney mask and they all pretended not to notice my existence.) What follows is a copy of the program (slightly stained with flop sweat and tea) for their upcoming conference.
DAY 1:
8:00 am:
Opening prayer by Mike Huckabee, who will ask the Lord to stop feeding the hungry, healing the sick, and making peace, in order to concentrate on the true meaning of Christianity: keeping Teh Gayz from marrying.
9:00 am Workshops:
Immigration Policy: Deport Everyone With a Funny-Sounding Spanish Name, by Sheriff Joe Arpaio. (Attendees please bring a paper bag to decide if you will be admitted.)
Outreach to Hispanic Voters, by Marco Rubio (water provided).
10:30 am Workshops:
Obama is a Kenyan Muslim Who Used Time Travel to Alter His Birth Certificate, by Donald Trump.
Outreach to African-American Voters, by Herman Cain in room 999 (pizza provided). Participants should expect to stand in line for 4 hours before being admitted.
Noon:
Keynote Address by Sarah Palin: Benghazi! (That’s not the title, it’s the whole speech, since that’s all that would fit on her hand. She will receive her standard speaking fee of $100,000.)
1:00 pm Workshops:
Trans-Vaginal Ultrasound Demonstration, by Bob McDonnell and a female volunteer to be named as soon as we find one.
Outreach to Lady-American Voters, by Phyllis Schlafly (if her husband gives permission).
2:30 pm Panel Discussion:
Protecting the Sanctity of Marriage, with Newt Gingrich, Larry Craig, and David Vitter.
4:00 pm Workshops:
Suppressing the Urban (wink, wink) Vote, by Karl Rove.
Outreach to Orange-Americans, by John Boehner. He's going to cry if it goes unattended like last year.
6:00 pm:
Entertainment: The Comedy Stylings of Ann Coulter.
8:00 pm:
Apologies by the CPAC organizers, who had NO idea Ann Coulter was going to say anything offensive.
DAY 2:
9 am Workshops:
It Snowed Somewhere Today, So Climate Change is a Hoax, by James Inhofe, who will also explain why the existence of night proves the sun is a hoax.
The Environment: Why We Should Just Get Rid of It, by the Koch Brothers.
10:30 am Workshops:
Legitimate Female Biology: What Planned Parenthood Won’t Tell You, by Todd Akin, who sat on the House Committee for Science & Technology. No, really, he did.
Promoting Abstinence, by Rick Santorum. Sen. Santorum guarantees that anyone who spends an hour in a room with him will never want to have that icky S-E-X again.
Noon:
Keynote by Bobby Jindal: Stop Being the Stupid Party. Gov. Jindal will include the hilarious anecdote about how he said we didn’t need volcano monitoring, right before a volcano went off.
1:00 pm Panel Discussion:
Actually, Being the Stupid Party has Worked Out Pretty Well, with Sean Hannity, Jonah Goldberg, and Rush Limbaugh. (Paul Ryan was originally scheduled for this panel, but he went Galt.)
2:30 pm Workshops:
Wayne LaPierre Does Number Two: The NRA leader discusses why we really only need one amendment.
Death Panels: I Have Proof! ACORN! Video presentation by James O’Keefe, if he can evade his probation officer long enough to get here.
4:00 pm Workshops:
Rebranding: What to Call Ourselves Now That the Teabaggers Have Choked, by Rand Paul.
Who I Would’ve Appointed Instead of Those Losers Obama Picked, by John McCain, the man who gave us Sarah Palin. Sen. McCain will also discuss why it’s so hard for conservatives to get their views hear in Teh Librul Media, if he has time between his appearances on Meet the Press, Face the nation, and Fox Whatevs.
6:00 pm:
Entertainment: Clint Eastwood Does...Something...With a Chair.
7:30 pm:
Prediction Contest: Dick Morris vs. the Onion. (The Onion’s won for the last 10 years, but Dick predicts this will be his year!)
8:00 pm:
CPAC organizers apologize for whatever Ann Coulter said in response to last night’s apology.
Note: Raffle contest for NRO cruise tickets has been canceled. Winners kept trying to exchange them for tickets on Carnival Cruise Lines and/or the Poseidon Adventure.