I once shot a man in Reno just to hear my neighbors say I was quiet and how shocking it all is on the local news.
It's so sad when you open the freezer door and that old bearded broccoli you sentenced to the hole covers its eyes from the unfamiliar light.
I don't mind the Moon controlling the tides. I just wish it would quit screwing around with my cousin Pete.
Can't help but think, if this were the '40s, I would've been tangled up with a pair of leggy dames hustling a grift in a seedy motel by now.
BREAKING NEWS: Horse meat found in IKEA meatballs turns out to be yummy, stylish, and difficult to assemble.
George Washington was worth over half a billion in today's dollars. No wonder he went to war over British tax policy.
Business tip: insert plenty of amusing, meaningless Internet memes in private office documents. Help lighten your Chinese hacker's work day!
If the world is getting you down today, look up to the sky and remember, there are probably much, much larger "meteors" headed this way.