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Dr Oz suggests eating meat less often, so the general populace becomes too weak to fend off Lord Oprah's invading teary-eyed Angel Network.

Try watching tamer and tamer pornography until you are once again ready for a human relationship.

I frankly feel a little bit put upon having to eat all that extra gluten to make up for those of you who are avoiding it.

Don't do drugs, guys. Unless I'm around. Then we can do drugs.

Some see the glass as half empty; others see it as half full. It doesn't matter. The real question is who's sober enough to make a beer run?

Explain Circus Peanuts. They don't taste like peanuts. They are orange but taste like gross bananas. What kinda black magic shit is that?!!

Google: I know everything.

Facebook: I know everyone.

Internet: Without me, you're nothing.

Electricity: Keep talking fools.

Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

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