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This is fictional snark. Based on emails from jobs I've had when someone retired.

Hey, sinners,

Pope Benedict is retiring and we’re having a going away party! Thanks, Benny, for your wonderful service to the company and we all wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors!  Alfredo says you need to work on your golf handicap at Castella Golfo! Haha.

We will be closing early at 4:00 today. There will be a going-away party in the break room for Pope Benedict from 4pm until ??. Attendance is recommended but not mandatory. You can go home early to beat the traffic if you want to, but, hey, it’s your last chance to kiss the pope’s ring and get his mumbled blessing. Just kidding, Benny – Don’t excommunicate me!

We’ve ordered ten pizzas, including two veggie pizzas (which nobody seems to like, but we always order a couple just in case someone is a vegetarian). When the meat pizzas are all gone, people who are still hungry can grudgingly eat the veggie ones. We’ll have a couple of bottles of wine, too. I think if we ask him very politely, maybe Benedict will magically change them to blood. We’ll have a sheet cake (with a scene from the Sistine Chapel very artistically rendered by the cake department at Walmarto) and spinach dip in Hawaiian bread and bacon-wrapped water chestnuts with a toothpick to hold them together. Yum!

Benny has promised a surprise announcement. It might be even be ex cathedra and infallible. He’ll be leaving precisely at 5:00 with a cardboard box of personal things from his desk. He’ll fly on the papal helicopter to join his long-time companion at Castella Golfo (lol). So the party ends at 5:00, but you’re welcome to stay as long as you like. Or until the pizza is gone. Haha.

Hope to see you all at 4:00. Oh, also, we’ll need to cover the phones, so I’ll send separate emails to Giovanna and Nicola to work out the schedule for that.

One more thing. We’re changing the security codes on the Xerox machine (we do this every time we change popes), so check with your supervisor to get a new code tomorrow. Also, with the Pope gone, we’ll be reassigning parking places, based on seniority.

See you there! I think this party will be fun!

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tips here. (6+ / 0-)

    If you thought it was funny.

    "Stupid just can't keep its mouth shut." -- SweetAuntFanny's grandmother.

    by Dbug on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 12:37:18 AM PST

    •  I thought it was funny, Dbug (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Dbug, Tinfoil Hat

      Very funny.  Not so much for the pope stuff as for the "going away party" spoof...but definitely funny.

      Of course, I have a weird sense of humor....

      Save a slice of pizza for me, willya?

      Irony takes a worse beating from Republicans than Wile E. Coyote does from Acme. --Tara the Antisocial Social Worker

      by Youffraita on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 12:45:33 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

      •  I've got a slice of pizza for you. (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Youffraita, Tinfoil Hat

        But it's vegetarian. Sorry. All the good stuff was gone.

        "Stupid just can't keep its mouth shut." -- SweetAuntFanny's grandmother.

        by Dbug on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 12:49:31 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

        •  LOL. As long as it has (1+ / 0-)
          Recommended by:
          Dbug

          black olives and NO green peppers, I'm happy.  (Loathe green peppers...love anchovies, but they aren't veggie, are they?)

          Irony takes a worse beating from Republicans than Wile E. Coyote does from Acme. --Tara the Antisocial Social Worker

          by Youffraita on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 12:52:07 AM PST

          [ Parent ]

          •  I like anchovies too (1+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            Youffraita

            In fact, I once had a pizza place call me back to make sure I really wanted anchovies. Because apparently there are fake  calls kids make to have anchovy pizzas delivered. So they called to make sure.

            "Stupid just can't keep its mouth shut." -- SweetAuntFanny's grandmother.

            by Dbug on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 12:56:21 AM PST

            [ Parent ]

            •  John Ortved: "I Would Like to Be Pope" - funny! :) (1+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              Dbug

              Here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/...

              Snippet:

              Dear sir or madam,
              I am writing to apply for the position of Pope. I recently received my Bachelor of Arts, or “artium baccalaureus,” from Dartmouth College, with a major concentration in Theatre Studies and a minor concentration in Computer Science. While I have been focusing on the technology and financial sectors, I have recently decided to widen my job search to include top non-profits, such as your organization. I became aware of the availability of the position of Pope through the Dartmouth listserv; I am greatly impressed by the achievements of The Catholic Church and share many of its goals. I believe my qualifications and outlook make me a unique and interesting candidate for Pope and I would be enthusiastic to grow with The Catholic Church.
              (continues -- funny. :-)  )
            •  Dbug, I once worked (1+ / 0-)
              Recommended by:
              Dbug

              at a place where the whole office liked anchovy pizzas.

              I still regret that I am no longer employed there.

              Damn.

              Where I am now, half the employees have never even tasted chevre...forget the anchovies.

              Irony takes a worse beating from Republicans than Wile E. Coyote does from Acme. --Tara the Antisocial Social Worker

              by Youffraita on Sat Mar 02, 2013 at 12:55:00 AM PST

              [ Parent ]

      •  As long as it... (1+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Dbug

        Doesn't have anchovies on it, and isn't from Dominoes, Little Caesar's, Pizza Hut or, Papa John's, I'm good!

         photo img_3461.jpg

        New Haven Style Apizza would be my 1st preference...

        "Do you realize the responsibility I carry?
        I'm the only person standing between Richard Nixon and the White House."
        ~John F. Kennedy~

        -7.5,-5.8

        by Oldestsonofasailor on Fri Mar 01, 2013 at 11:21:17 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

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