Hello Everyone, good morning and welcome to the Conservative Political Action Committee's "Let's NOT Talk about Rape" Workshop. My name is Richard Megood and from Ozean Consulting. I'm pleased to see so many of you here! Let's see, we've got a few members of the House of Representatives, a couple of Senators, and many of you are from state houses! Welcome!
What we're going to do here is just talk a little about some of the losses that Senate candidates like Richard Mourdock and Todd Akin suffered, as well as the whole overarching philosophy of when and when NOT to talk about rape.
Basically, it is our philosophy that what Karen Hughes said is the best road to follow: Don't talk about rape in any way except when talking about what an absolutely horrific crime it is. Basically, ha ha, rape is a four letter word. If you're not talking about crime, don't mention the word.
CONGRESSMAN #1: Don't say what?
MEGOOD: Rape. Don't talk about it.
CONGRESSMAN #2: For how long?
MEGOOD: Never! Don't talk about it EVER.
CONGRESSMAN #3: You mean, except when we're on Meet The Press or something?
MEGOOD : NO. ESPECIALLY when you're on Meet the Press!
CONGRESSMAN #4: So it's OK to talk about it say...at a campaign stop at the county fair, right?
MEGOOD: NO! NO! DO. NOT. TALK. ABOUT. RAPE! EVER!
CONGRESSMAN #2: This is very confusing.
CONGRESSMAN #5: I agree. I can't mention rape in the privacy of my own home. With my children?
MEGOOD: We're talking about in public...
CONGRESSMAN: So I can talk about rape in public...as long as I have my kids with me?
MEGOOD: No! Don't Do That!
CONGRESSMAN #3: Wait, you just said we could talk about it in public!
MEGOOD: That is not what I said...I didn't mean to say...
CONGRESSMAN #4: You really need to get your facts straight, Bubba.
CONGRESSMAN #6: What if we HAVE to talk about rape?
MEGOOD: Now see, this is probably the root of the problem right here...when would you ever HAVE to talk about rape?
CONGRESSMAN #6: All the time.
CONGRESSMAN #2: I do it like...five times a day.
(Chorus of “yeah me too”s from around the room)
MEGOOD: You need to stop!
CONGRESSMAN #5: We can write about rape on our Facebooks though, right?
CONGRESSMAN #1: I don’t see why not.
CONGRESSMAN #7: We can tweet about rape though, right?
MEGOOD: (turning a shade of red) : NO! NO TWEETING!
CONGRESSMAN #3: Oh, man (looks at smartphone)....I just did....
MEGOOD:(mutters silently to himself...)
CONGRESSMAN #8: Gentlemen, gentlemen! I think a little perspective is in order here. Mr. Megood is trying to explain that we essentially speak a different language than many of the independent voters out there...
CONGRESSMAN #8: What he is valiantly trying to impress upon all of you is that out comments on rape can often be taken out of context and twisted by the Liberal Media.
MEGOOD: Yes, exactly!
CONGRESSMAN #8: And it is for that reason, that we should never talk about rape in the context of a woman who has been raped and now finds herself pregnant....
MEGOOD: Thank you sir!
CONGRESSMAN #8: ...the ONLY time it is acceptable to talk about rape is when talking about the FAKE RAPES. The rapes that lying little sluts invent when then get knocked up and then want to go to the clinic!
MEGOOD: Ye---wait, what.....noooo.....
CONGRESSMEN #8: We need to establish that there will be NO refuge for the whores who can't keep their legs together and invent fictional rapists!
(mild applause from the room)
CONGRESSMAN #4: Look Mr. High and Mighty, some of us can't just turn it off like a faucet...
CONGRESSMAN #6: Yeah, sometimes, you'll be at a symposium talking about international trade regulation, fragmentation, coherence of the Asian markets...and then all of a sudden, you have to mention rape! Is that a crime?
MEGOOD: (jumps on top of chair) YES! IT IS A CRIME NOW! NO TALKING ABOUT RAPE, NO BLOGGING, NO TEXTING, NO TWEETING, NO OP-EDS, NOTHING!!!! EVER AGAIN YOU UNBELIEVABLE BROBDINGNAGIAN SIZED IDIOTS!!! JUST STOP IT!!! DON'T DO IT!!!
(Silence in the room)
CONGRESSMAN #2: You're talking about it now
CONGRESSMAN #4: Yeah. Hypocrite!
MEGOOD:(throws up his hands)
CONGRESSMAN #3: Yeah, what makes you so much better than us?
CONGRESSMAN #6: Freaking Elitist!
CONGRESSMAN #5: I feel like I'M being raped right now!
(Megood packs up his materials and leaves.)
CONGRESSMAN #2: Me too!
CONGRESSMAN #7: I’ve already been raped -- by Obama’s new tax increase!
CONGRESSMAN #1: One of my donors was raped -- by Nancy Pelosi and her suffocating environmental regulations!
CONGRESSMAN #8: you know someone who was raped? Me too! Hey what are the chances?
(Megood gets in his car and drives away)
CONGRESSMAN #1: That guy was an idiot.
CONGRESSMAN #3: He's a RINO is what he is!
CONGRESSMAN #7: I know right? I am so sick of this, "look we're only telling you this for your own good! That's all we've heard all week is about how much we suck!
CONGRESSMAN #3: I think we need to get back to, "You Either With Us Or You're Against Us!"
CONGRESSMAN #9: Hey how about this? "You're Either With Us Or You're Raping Us"!!!
(Loud Cheers from around the room)
CONGRESSMAN #4: Hey let's all text that out to Sean Hannity!
CONGRESSMAN #6: Waaaaaaaay ahead of you!