I'm sure these “conservative solutions” are forthcoming, and I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever
these solutions will be bold
and innovative, as just like the last ones weren't
. Identical, in fact, to every previous iteration of the same failed ideas they always offer up, over and over again. Always “new,” always “improved,” and always presented under the assumption people are too stupid to realize the GOP is truly fresh...out of ideas.
The GOP's Path to Prosperity is simple: little or no government. No police, no firefighters, no emergency disaster assistance, no help for the unemployed, no social saftey net, no public schools, no nothing. The optimal end result for conservatives? 100% pure anarchy, for our own good.
It's hard to overlook the irony of a party — one whose attitudes on social issues are comparable to a rotary phone — determining what is and isn't antiquated. Yes, the same party that does nothing other
than regurgitate “tax cuts,” “tort reform,” and those happy stories about the mythical “job creator,” thinks it's qualified to label government as obsolete, all while conveniently failing to provide us with their replacement “new
way.” And here I was, all this time, thinking there was a reason behind all those dinosaurs replacing elephants in countless visual depictions of the GOP.
required, then? Destitution for this generation, of course. Because nothing will lighten the load of the next generation quicker than making sure there's no one to take care of, assuming the next generation doesn't suffer the same fate in the process, that is. Even if that next generation is indeed destined to suffer the same fate when it's their turn to become this
generation, it's nothing the GOP needs to concern itself about — as long as Republicans get to keep all that hard-earned money, those cadillac healthcare plans, guns (to protect them from the roving hoards of “barbarians” sure to come), and enough labor to dig moats around their castles, they're good.
All right. My name is DeadHead. I'm a Democrat, and I have a problem...with Republicans who gave exactly zero fucks about the deficit when their Worse-In-History-President Bush was at the helm, and who now suddenly have a highly-tuned sense of frugality once Democrats are in charge. And I have a problem with Republicans who refuse, understandably, to “admit” most of the tab for which they're eagerly sending us the bill was, in fact, run up by that same Worse-In-History-President Bush. “Dine-and-ditch,” on a National scale.
What crises? Like hurricane-type natural disasters, or not-so-natural ones like oil spills? How about manufactured crises like those sequesters and debt-ceiling fights that have now become routine occurrences because the fucking GOP won't budge a single inch on new revenues? Or perhaps unprecedented filibusters undertaken by the “loyal opposition” that grind government to a halt, thereby initiating broad, systemic malfunction? Not those. He must be talking about Benghazi, or something.
We're well-aware of how you feel about Rand Paul
by now, Mr. Priebus. And we're also pretty clear what your party heroes really
think about “liberty” as applied to women, people trying to vote, people trying to gain citizenship, and people trying to marry the person of their choice, just to name a few.
And the Priebus task force's job just got a lot harder after profoundly idiotic members of their constituency demonstrated their version of “minority outreach”
by reminding us just how good slaves really
had it, after all. Not likely what Priebus had in mind, at least outwardly, but he'll figure out a way to sweep that one under the rug soon enough.
In fact, he may have already done so, because even after all that commotion the other day, the Reince Priebus Propaganda Delivery Unit™ still managed to deliver an “optimistic” speech. There's no problem that can't easily be solved, as long as you deny the problem exists in the first place. And once you do that, people will surely take seriously a tweet like this:
Reince, we have a problem: That stampede of people running to join the Republican Party seems to be going the wrong direction.
So there you have it. The future looks bright with heroes like Rand Paul, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz, and all the other dipshits I've overlooked leading the way. But it's the unsung heroes toiling away behind the scenes, like Reince Priebus and Orly Taitz, to whom the future success of the GOP will really be owed.
Shall we preemptively celebrate?