Everybody hug the person to your immediate left. There. WORLD PEACE. Was that so hard? Honestly, do I have to think of everything?
I've got a contingency plan for every possible scenario of the zombie apocalypse, except how to deny a hug to undead John Candy, if he asks.
Why does America spend so much money on military? Because the Canadian navy is like 3 canoes and someone has to protect this side of Earth.
There's something called the "Office of Congressional Ethics." That's like a drug cartel opening a counseling center for addicts.
I hate the phrases: "Monkey Business" and "Dog & Pony Show", because I wish they were literal things so bad. Frankly, the taunts are hurtful.
Told a toddler at T.J. Maxx I respected his hustle, because it takes a village and shit.
I eat a lot of venison patties, because I want to absorb the power and spirit of an animal that managed to get itself made into patties.
The Fives Stages of Grief:
1) Alcohol.
2) Cocaine.
3) Pills.
4) Weed.
5) Acceptance.