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Long time satirical alternative publication and internet "website" The Onion today rose to the challenge of satirizing the modern world, while admitting that it's beginning to feel its age: "Well, you know at the beginning it was easy, I'd just look around at stupid stuff and kind of magnify it and presto! -- Irony was achieved. It was great. But then I really had a loss of confidence when I just went totally apeshit insane on what that dumb-as-fucking-dogshit idiot George Bush might do if he actually got elected. But the problem was that I was totally fucking right. I just couldn't catch a break with that guy. No matter how idiotic I went, he just kept fucking raising me, and, let me tell you, I don't think he was bluffing. I really don't. That man had dumb in his eyes. It was time to start walking small.

"Then I had this whole thing with McCain. I really thought I had it with that one, but fuck me!, the old coot just kept getting nuttier and nuttier. I was about to throw in the towel, but then this nutcase from North Korea came along and I knew I was back in the game. I came up with this beauty:

"Kim Jong-Un Comes Out in Support of Gay Marriage: 'I'm Not a Total Monster.'"

"Hah! Top THAT one, reality!"

The Onion was later informed that Marcus Bachmann was selected as People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for this year and would not comment, though some close to him insisted that he was sobbing.

Originally posted to journeyman on Wed Apr 03, 2013 at 07:06 PM PDT.

Also republished by Angry Gays.

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Comment Preferences

  •  History Licking Its Chops To Judge George W. Bush (17+ / 0-)

    'Let Me At That Fucker,' Says Branch Of Knowledge

    http://www.theonion.com/...

    CRAWFORD, TX—Claiming it can barely wait any longer to weigh in on the former president’s eight years in office, history, the branch of knowledge consisting of the recorded past, reported today that it’s licking its chops to render a definitive judgment of George W. Bush.

    “Oh man, I’ve been holding out a while for this one—just let me at that fucker once and for all,” said the ongoing timeline of human events, which acknowledged it’s been champing at the bit to properly evaluate the 43rd president since he left office in January 2009. “I’m raring to get that son of a bitch in my crosshairs, carefully analyze each of his foreign and domestic policies, and develop a consensus view of his administration that will endure in the annals of American politics. Let’s do this!”

    “I swear, I’m going to thoroughly and impartially assess the shit out of the Bush tax cuts, the TARP bank bailouts, and Abu Ghraib,” history continued. “And I can barely keep myself from scrutinizing the Patriot Act from both legalistic and moralistic standpoints right now. Just you wait until I get my hands on that thing.”

    Telling reporters it practically salivates at the thought of critically examining the two-term president law by law and executive order by executive order, the all-encompassing compendium of human achievements said that when the time is right, nothing will be able to stop it from producing a single overarching assessment of the Bush legacy that will be learned and accepted by future generations of Americans for ages to come.

    History added that while it often takes decades for it to accurately parse the accomplishments and shortcomings of a presidency, it’s “good to go on this one” and vowed to jump at the first chance it gets to take a definitive position on the former commander-in-chief’s leadership abilities and the substance of his policies in light of readily available data on the U.S. debt, the environment, citizens’ standard of living, and outcomes of foreign conflicts.

    “By the time that son of a bitch was reelected in 2004, I was already itching to parallel the Iraq War and the Vietnam War in rigorous intellectual detail,” said the academic study of the past, noting that it is equally impatient to compare and contrast the administration’s response to Hurricane Katrina with previous disaster relief efforts. “Christ, I can already imagine going to town on the constitutional implications of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp or identifying and elucidating the effects of Bush’s financial deregulation on the housing and credit crises.”

    “And if you think I’m going to miss my shot to examine the bastard’s denial of climate change through the lens of contemporary scientific consensus, then you’ve got another fucking thing coming,” the perpetually growing branch of knowledge added.

    •  ROFL and thank you... (3+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      Gordon20024, journeyman, BusyinCA

      but I think you've gone WAY beyond Fair Use with that quote.

      But, OMG, it is WONDERFUL.  Consider yourself mentally tipped...but really, if you'd quoted that much from anyone other than The Onion, this site could be looking at a lawsuit.

      Irony takes a worse beating from Republicans than Wile E. Coyote does from Acme. --Tara the Antisocial Social Worker

      by Youffraita on Wed Apr 03, 2013 at 07:46:57 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  There is more.... (0+ / 0-)

        I did go overboard a bit with the quote, but it was just so hard to cut.  It's all pretty much essential.  Plus, I gave the link, and it  looks like they aren't selling ads there either.  And, hopefully noone is reading this instead of the link?

        Plus, I guess this is what the Onion is for, though I probabaly still should have kept it to maybe 3 paragraphs.  

  •  I was going to say there was no way. (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Gordon20024, journeyman, exterris

    But yes when I read that on the twittersphere I was quite amused.

    "Til you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules" John Lennon - Working Class Hero

    by Horace Boothroyd III on Wed Apr 03, 2013 at 07:48:57 PM PDT

  •  I thought you were going this story (9+ / 0-)

    from today's Onion.

    Unstable Man Plots To Bring Guns To Schools

     photo b6c4fe39-e13d-426a-872c-cafa33b83b1b_zps067a7929.jpg

    FAIRFAX, VA—According to sources, local man Wayne LaPierre, an individual with a long history of unstable and dangerous behavior, revealed a detailed plot this week to bring semiautomatic weapons into schools. The disturbed man has reportedly been carefully planning this plot for months and has published numerous ranting posts to his website in which he lays out, in explicit detail, his desire to bring numerous guns into school hallways and classrooms. While the crazed individual has, as of press time, not yet acted on his plan, sources confirmed he has every intention of doing so in the near future and will stop at nothing to see his plot fulfilled. Additional reports have suggested that the unstable man may have also been helped in his planning by a number of accomplices in the United States Congress.

    What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce. Mark Twain

    by Gordon20024 on Wed Apr 03, 2013 at 08:05:56 PM PDT

  •  what is it with you (0+ / 0-)

    "j" guys ???

    There is no Article II power which says the Executive can violate the Constitution.--@Hugh * Addington's Perpwalk: TRAILHEAD of Accountability for Bush-2 Crimes.

    by greenbird on Wed Apr 03, 2013 at 09:41:08 PM PDT

  •  Bush 2 inaugural Onion headline (11+ / 0-)

    "Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is over."

    Freedom isn't free. Patriots pay taxes.

    by Dogs are fuzzy on Wed Apr 03, 2013 at 10:13:48 PM PDT

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