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[manically cute, cartoon blob of oil, happy, upbeat, fast-talking]

Hello, America!  And by "America," I mean North America!

I'm Tar Sands Timmy, your friend from Alberta, Canada-- here to tell you everything is comin' up crude!

(Or bitumen, whatever.)

I'm the crudest crude there is!  [buuurp]  But I'm your ticket to energy independence, ah, really!  [lying]

All we have to do is . . .

[long run-on sentence list, happy, let yourself run out of breath]
Rrrrape the Boreal Forests, strip mine the land, pump tons and tons of water, boil it all up with secret chemicals, produce three times the greenhouse gas emissions, add to the seventy-square miles of toxic tailing ponds, and [big, sucking breath]

. . . get the stuff to market!  Simple, eh?  

It's the "getting the stuff to market" part where you United Statesians come in!

I need a pipeline!

And the enviro-hippies on the West and East coasts won't have it . . .

So I'm headed South!

The Keystone XL pipeline will get Tar Sands Timmy all the way down to Port Arthur, Texas-- where there happen to be oil tankers a-plenty!

But don't worry-- all this oil is for you, not for export.  Promise!  (Never mind the tankers.)

All we need to do to make this pipeline happen is convince President Obama and John Kerry!  

Which is why my oily Alberta friends are spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on lobbyists . . . who happen to have worked on the Obama and Kerry campaigns!

See, this isn't about oil company profits, I'm just trying to bring jobs to the United States!

Jobs in the hundreds of thousands, er, thousands, er hundreds-- er, maybe thirty-five permanent jobs.  But jobs!

And spills?  What could possibly go wrong?  Why, ExxonMobil just won the "Green Cross for Safety" medal!

(Never mind the spill in Arkansas, or the spill in the Yellowstone River, or that spill in the Kalamazoo River, or the spill in Minnesota, or the spill in-- well-- those don't matter!)

What matters is-- I'm Tar Sands Timmy and I need a pipeline!  

Your friend to the North needs to get South!  Anchors Awayyyy!  [buuurp]

Originally posted to Comics on Fri Apr 12, 2013 at 06:50 AM PDT.

Also republished by Daily Kos.

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