NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre, fresh off his controversial GOP-sponsored "Fuck The Newtown Families" tour, has weighed in on a brewing controversy surrounding the Boston Marathon bombing: What, if anything, a more heavily-armed citizenry could have done to prevent it. His conclusion: That since people can personally carry pressure-cooker bombs, they constitute "arms," and are therefore protected under the 2nd Amendment. "The fact is that US and Massachusetts anti-pressure cooker bomb laws have merely disarmed the law-abiding citizenry," LaPierre told a press conference. "When pressure-cooker bombs are criminalized, only criminals have pressure-cooker bombs."
LaPierre went on to suggest that if the Boston Marathon runners and spectators had each been issued a personal pressure-cooker bomb of their own, that they could have defended themselves against those of the Tsarnaev brothers. "At least it would have given them a chance to fight back," LaPierre said, noting that a greater number of explosions would have increased the chances of getting the perpetrators. LaPierre also praised a new Texas law spearheaded by Republican Governor Rick Perry barring police from confiscating pressure-cooker bombs or gathering information about them.
Perry argued strongly for the new law in a signing ceremony in Austin later today. "Texas here's a freedom state," Perry told a packed gallery of supportive Tea Party members. "We believe in freedom in this freedom state, and just like the Founding Fathers had pressure-cooker bombs, every freedom-loving Texan has theirs too. Freedom freedom." Perry then proceeded to have a member of the press summarily executed for asking an impertinent question.
Arizona Republicans, meanwhile, have passed a law requiring the state's school districts to arm teachers with pressure-cooker bombs just in case. With right-wing talk radio promoting conspiracy theories about an imminent government attempt to confiscate pressure-cooker bombs, sales of the jury-rigged weapons have proceeded apace. Firing range owners across the country are reporting an increase in interest about facilities where law-abiding owners can test their pressure-cooker bombs. "Folks just want the feeling of safety you get from high explosives in a piece of kitchen equipment," said Billy Bob McTurdburger, owner of Billy's Deathiteria & Fabulous Fingers, a combination weapon shop and nail salon just outside of Nashville, TN. "The Nazis took away people's pressure-cooker bombs too," McTurdburger added.