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Late Nighters Do Their Late-Night Thing:

"Whoever did this obviously did not know shit about the people of Boston. Because nothing these terrorists do is going to shake them. For Pete's sake, Boston was founded by the pilgrims, a people so tough they had to buckle their goddamn hats on! It is the cradle of the American Revolution; a city that withstood an 86-year losing streak; a city that made it through the Big Dig, a construction project that backed up traffic for sixteen years---I mean, there are commuters just getting home now!"
---Stephen Colbert

Gaaah!!! One of these popped up in
Maine today. What the hell IS IT??!!!
Clip of Matt Lauer on the Today show:  Inside the [George W. Bush Library and Museum is] a treasure trove of over 43,000 artifacts from the Bush presidency.
Jon Stewart: So it's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions.
---The Daily Show

"A new report found that the worst job in the U.S. is being a newspaper reporter. They say it's better for writers to just focus on fiction and become a CNN reporter."
---Jimmy Fallon

"Today France legalized same-sex marriage. The next step is legalizing same-sex mistresses."
---Craig Ferguson

"Jon Hamm recently appeared on an episode of Sesame Street. It was the first time toddlers were able to plant their moms in front of the TV and ignore them for an hour."
---Conan O'Brien

And this from two years ago, which I'm making an annual C&J tradition because it's so adorable:
Bill Maher: The tea party is not all Republican?
Former RNC Chairman Michael Steele: No, it's not! I don’t know the exact percentage, but it is not all Republicans!
---Real Time
It's the last weekend of April. Yeehaw---time to grease up the maypole! Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 26, 2013

Note: C&J will not appear Monday (commonmass is planning a sub edition, thank ya).  We will return Tuesday, right after the Rapture.  Oops, I've said too much.


By the Numbers:
Days 'til May Day: 5
Days 'til the 2nd annual Maine Fiddlehead Festival in Farmington: 8
Unemployment rate in Spain for the first quarter: 27.2%
Projected sales of "e-cigarettes" in the U.S. this year: $1 billion
(Source: Harper's Index)
Rank of the JFK Library in Boston among most-popular presidential libraries, with 1.6 million visitors a year: #1
(Source: USA Today)
Average number of years a male porn star stays in the business, versus an average of 12 in the 1970s: 4
Rank of David Lee and Lee among most popular porn star names for men and women, respectively: #1
(Source: Details)


Puppy Pic of the Day: Off duty


CHEERS to a fine declaration of independence.  "Who is this Angus King feller?"  "What makes him tick?"  "What does he know about government, anyway?"  "What does he look like in a Speedo?"  Great questions!  (Except that last one, which is kinda creepy---security has been called.)  And here's your answer: King's 24-minute speech---his first on the Senate floor---cites Mitchell, Muskie, Twain, Lincoln, Hobbs, Moyers, Capone, Hitler, Latin sayings, Lord Acton, Madison, "two boys in a sandbox with one truck," the "sick chicken case" and even the Veg-O-Matic while dropping a rhetorical anvil on the tea party's foot and basically telling Republicans---oh so politely---to get their heads out of their asses.  It's a timeless civics lesson that should be shown in classrooms around the country, and you should bookmark it and carve some time out to watch it this weekend:

Time will tell, but I think Maine just sent a real live Mr. Smith to Washington.

CHEERS to million-dollar makeovers…minus, oh, say, $999,900.  America, you're  getting a new hundred-dollar bill this fall!  There are some differences from the current version worth noting:

Revamped $100 bill 2013
• There's a jar of paste---in Daily Kos orange, no less---on the front and yes that was my idea.
• If you peer into Ben Franklin's eyes wth a magnifying glass, you'll see a reflection of a bawdy French wench beckoning him to join her in a Paris bathtub.
• The surface is smoother so there's less waste when you're snorting cocaine through it.
• When you squeeze the seal of the Treasury, it plays the Chinese national anthem.
• As a security measure, all the locks on Independence Hall have been changed.
• There is a freakishly large 100 on the back.  This is to cover up the giant penis the engraver's 14 year-old son thought would be a hilarious addition.
But one thing about the hundred-dollar bill remains the same: for working women it's still only worth 77 bucks.  We should probably change that.

CHEERS to brevity. One of the most memorable moments from the 2008 presidential campaign happened six years ago today during the April 26, 2007 Democratic debate hosted by Brian Williams.  Silly question, great answer:

Joe Biden in Cleveland - November 6th, 2012
Joe being Joe.
Williams: Senator Biden, words have in the past gotten you in trouble---words that were borrowed and words that some found hateful. An editorial in the Los Angles Times said, "In addition to his uncontrolled verbosity, Biden is a gaffe machine." Can you reassure voters in this country that you would have the discipline you would need on the world stage, Senator?

Sen. Biden: Yes.

[Long pause]  Williams: Thank you, Senator.

You can watch the clip (this link seems to be the only one still working) here. That was the moment I knew Biden was #1 on my list. To be #1's #2.

JEERS to making up your ideals as you go along.  Oh, Boy Scouts of America, you're so not cute when your morals are all over the map.  The BSA is apparently close to unveiling a policy change that will accept openly gay kids into the organization.  Yay, right?  Once you become an Eagle Scout after learning, living and achieving the ideals of Scouting, they'll disqualify you for leadership opportunities because you're probably a lowdown, no-good sexual deviant and don't let the tent flap hit ya on the way out, sicko.  Y'know, I'm an Eagle Scout and I always try to live the motto "Be prepared."  But I gotta say, I wasn't prepared to throw up after reading that.

P.S. Thirteen(!!!) years ago today, Vermont Governor Howard Dean signed the first civil unions bill in the nation.  Nine years later the legislature approved full marriage rights for same-sex couples.  The Green Mountains still haven’t plunged into a giant Beelzebubian sinkhole and things are pretty much the same as they were in 2000.  Carry on.  (Or should I say...MARRY on Ha Ha Ha!)

CHEERS to Charles Richter.  It's the 113th birthday of the late seismologist who invented a scale to measure the strength of earthquakes (I forget what it's called). Go here and pay your respects...if you feel so moved.  But please don’t blame him for causing earthquakes---they're not his faults!

CHEERS to home vegetation.  With a forecast of sunny skies and temps in the 60s, I doubt we'll be spending much time in front of the TV.  But here's some of what's on this weekend, starting tonight with HBO's Real Time, where Bill Maher talks with Jimmy Kimmel, John Avlon, Anna Deavere Smith, Donald Borelli and Robert Traynham.  New DVD releases include the Matt Damon/John Krasinski fracking flick "Promised Land." (We hear the scene where they light the tap water on fire will warm your heart…and singe your eyebrows.)  The baseball schedule is here. (The Astros will try to beat the Red Sox, but in the words of Texas's governor: "Can't. Sorry. Oops.")  On Bill Moyers & Company, Glenn Greenwald talks about the Boston bombing and the way we "trade democracy for national security."

And here's your Sunday morning lineup.  Let's spin the roulette wheel and see who gets to babysit John McCain this week while Cindy goes shopping:

President George W. Bush joins Arizona Senator John McCain in a small celebration of McCain's 69th birthday Monday, Aug. 29, 2005, after the President's arrival at Luke Air Force Base near Phoenix.
I wonder if McCain will
be serving cake Sunday...
This Week: Reps. Mike Rogers (R-MI) & Dutch Ruppersberger (D-MD); Roundtable with George Will, L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, Donna Brazile, Newt Gingrich, and twitter tells me that panelist Matthew Dowd is going to give some kind of a lesson on "manhood."  Shoot me now.

Face the Nation: Sens. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) & Lindsay Graham (R-SC); roundtable with Peggy Noonan, David Gergen, and some CBS News reporters. (For those of you keeping score, there's four Republicans and 1 Democrat on this week's show, up from last week's four Republicans and zero Democrats.)

CNN's State of the Union: Not sure.  Their webmaster must've fallen asleep.

...or just giving the
world the finger.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) and Rep. Mike McCaul (R-TX) on the need to stop bombings in places like Boston; Israeli Ambassador to the U.S. Michael Oren on the need to start bombing in places like Iran; roundtable with Brit Hume, Amy Walter, Charles Lane and Bill Kristol.

Meet the Press: Ding Ding Ding!!!  WE HAVE A WINNER!  It's David Gregory's turn to babysit John McCain this weekend while Cindy goes shopping!  Plus: Reps. Peter King (R-NY) and Keith Ellison (D-MN), Bush lapdog Tony Blair and roundtable with Chuck Todd, Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), disgraced Bush-era propaganda spreader Karen Hughes, Mike Murphy and Rep. Joaquin Castro (D-TX).

Happy yelling at clouds!


Five years ago in C&J: April 26, 2008

JEERS to states in the red.  Ohhhhhhhh.......not good:

The finances of many states have deteriorated so badly that they appear to be in a recession, regardless of whether that's true for the nation as a whole, a survey of all 50 state fiscal directors concludes.  ...  By mid-April, 16 states and Puerto Rico were reporting shortfalls in their current budgets as the revenue those budgets were built on---typically, taxes---fell short of estimates.  That's double the number of states reporting a deficit six months ago.
Meanwhile consumer confidence is at a 26-year low.  At times like this it's tempting to believe that things can't get any worse.  But remember there was a time not so long ago when Sylvester Stallone made a movie with Dolly Parton.  We survived that.  We'll survive this.

JEERS to Slipperyhands McButterfingers.  Wow!  A fan sitting in the upper bleachers at a Red Sox/Rangers game caught a foul ball...with one hand!  And 30 seconds later he dropped it.  As soon as President Bush heard the news he immediately appointed him his new Secretary of Catching Things.


And just one more…

CHEERS and JEERS to Left click, Right click, Click Click Click!  Thirty-two years ago tomorrow, Xerox introduced the 8010 Star "Dandelion", the first commercial computer system to use a mouse (correctly pronounced MOW-uss).  We've been clicking our way into wrist braces ever since.  Just don't tell the pooties it wasn't created solely for their amusement...

They're very sensitive, you know.

Have a great weekend!  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?



Who won the week?

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