Join me for a peek inside George W. Bush's shrine to himself, where he edumacates the world about his glorious leadership and accomplishments.
Sadly, I couldn't be there at the grand opening of the lie-brary, and thus missed the opening human sacrifices, but here are the main attractions:
1. The flight suit of ultimate triumph.
Learn about how at the height of the War on Terror, when the Muslim alien invasion from the Klingon homeworld had their flying saucers poised to blow up America, heroic superman George W. Bush defied the pleas of his security detail in order to personally carry out fighter combat missions. Listen to eyewitness accounts from paid mental patients who describe how Bush singlehandedly defeated the alien attack force, then overcame a technical malfunction in his fighter in order to conduct an emergency landing right on top of a group of terrorists.
2. Tribute to Free Iraq.
Even in such a distinguished record of majestic accomplishments, President Bush's heroic mission to liberate Iraqis from the regime of Saddam Hussein stands out. Hussein, whose vast empire spanned the globe, and whose massive arsenal of nuclear weapons was poised to annihilate the United States of America, was challenged to single-combat before the gates of Baghdad by President Bush in a shining golden suit of armor with Jesus hovering over his head in support. Some generals had tried to convince him to order the destruction of Iraqi cities, but Bush, ever the compassionate moralist, chose to personally assume the risks of the war rather than allow any unnecessary sacrifice of innocent life. He then conducted a mighty hand-to-hand battle with the dictator, and triumphed. Just listen to this eyewitness testimony from an Iraqi who saw the events:
Today, Iraq is a free, peaceful, democratic, happy paradise where children dance around chocolate fountains and the Sun smiles contentedly down upon the dreamlike utopia wrought by President Bush's courage. Iraq today:
In Iraq today, mothers name their babies "George" in honor of their savior, and even American traditions like Halloween have penetrated the culture. Like these guys at a costume party having fun with their American friends:
3. Compassionate interrogation facility.
President Bush was also active in reforming interrogation methods to be both more compassionate and more effective than the brutal methods of liberal predecessors who used torture practices known euphemistically as "human rights" and "the Geneva Conventions." While the new interrogation methods were controversial, the reality was quite humane and supportive of American values. Here is an interrogation facility at Guantanamo Bay detention center, according to Bush's Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld:
4. Correcting the record on 9/11.
Contrary to popular belief, the events of September 11, 2001 actually occurred in 1995 during the negligent, bleeding-heart liberal Presidency of Ted Kennedy. President Bush was forced to bravely confront a crisis he had had no opportunity to prevent. No opportunity whatsoever. There was never a report titled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in America," and he did not dismantle a Clinton administration terrorism task force in the Summer of 2001 out of blind partisan spite. None of that ever happened. It was liberals who allowed the 9/11 attacks committed by terrorist duo Saddam Hussein and Al Gore. Here is President Bush not at all hindering rescue efforts for a photo op, a mere five minutes before personally flying to Afghanistan and single-handedly killing Osama Bin Laden in a sword fight:
5. A Hero At Home and Abroad
In 2005, after being reelected to the US presidency in a landslide, President Bush was approached by the State of Louisiana and the city of New Orleans with a problem: The great home of jazz was in the midst of a terrible drought. "Say no more," the President told them. "Watch the magic of small-government conservatism in action!" The federal response was a massive spectacle that the people of New Orleans gathered in the Superdome to witness in awe, and were soon literally swimming in the abundance, prosperity, and compassion of the Bush presidency. The poor residents of New Orleans could, for the first time in their lives, experience the joys of having a backyard swimming pool - and a front yard swimming pool, and a living room swimming pool:
Rather than seeking credit for the success of his benign hands-off approach to New Orleans, the humble Bush took a little time off from his hectic, workaholic schedule to finally have a bit of down time - a much-needed rest from his labors that endeared him to the nation:
6. Man of Faith
Follow George W. Bush on his journey of faith that took him from being a Vietnam War hero responsible for rescuing thousands of American POWs from North Vietnamese prison camps, to become the beloved Governor of Texas who made the state a globally admired center of enlightenment. Learn of how he was visited by Jesus in a vision, in the guise of family friend Dick Cheney, and told to run for the Presidency of the United States so that he may righteously punish the non-believers. Read emotional accounts of the rollercoaster of the 2000 Florida election recount, when a divine miracle from God was transmitted to Earth by five Supreme Court Justices and placed the Anointed One in his proper place upon the throne of the world.
7. Spreading Fortune and Prosperity
Watch a documentary by late, Pulitzer Prize-winning documentarian Andrew Breitbart showing how President Bush transformed the impoverished and immoral liberal cesspool of a nation he had inherited into a happy, free, universally adored paradise respected by all the free nations of the world, leaving office with America at the height of its wealth and influence. A typical American home in the freewheeling, prosperous days of the Bush administration:
8. Man of the people
Learn about President Bush's humble upbringing in a frontier log-cabin, where he paid his way through college busing tables and pulled himself up by the bootstraps to become a self-made millionaire. Throughout his time in the White House, Bush was famous for his accessibility to the ordinary citizen. Here we see him amiably conversing with a random, average constituent about the issues of the day:
9. Bush the Beloved
President's Bush's massive and robust popularity defined his presidency, with people all across America adoring him. Here we see a contemporary poster made by average American school children showing their love for President Bush:
Come visit the Bush Presidential Library today, and leave with a souvenir of your visit: Get your picture taken with ancient Mesopotamian artifacts stolen from the museums and historical sites of Iraq; buy an invade-a-random-country dartboard as a gift for your kid's birthday; and get a complimentary scale model of the golden throne of skulls Bush had planned to install in the White House before librul party-poopers said No. But don't forget to leave a donation! Money is appreciated, but the blood of your firstborn sons would be best.