Unnoticed amidst the coverage of the Bush Library opening last week was the opening of the Dick Cheney Library and Museum in a vast, dark, sulfurous cave thousands of feet below the surface of the earth.
“The Cheney Museum offers a firsthand look at the life and work of our nation’s 46th vice president,” said head curator Jonathan Luddom, a 7-foot-tall blind cavern dweller with third-degree burns on his face and limbs. “From the Hall of Obfuscation, to the Pit of Yellowcake Uranium, to the interactive waterboarding exhibit for kids, this library is a stirring tribute to who Mr. Cheney is and what he believes in.”"Sources also reported that the library’s Quagmire Wing contains an endless, unannounced chasmic drop into total nothingness."
Visitors were fascinated: “And I can’t believe that’s his original heart preserved in a glass case in the atrium!” one added. “It was neat how it was all charred and blackened.”
OK. That was from the Onion. But I'll bet we can do even better.
There's a replica of the secret energy committee meetings, with each oil executive wearing hardhats with his company's logo. Exxon, Getty, Chevron -- They're all there. And not only that, you can buy your own oil company hard hat at the gift shop. (Prices range from $85-$140 -- depending on the amount it takes at any given time to fill the tank of a Chevy Suburban.)
There's another interactive exhibit called "Torture Points." Visitors are asked to press buttons that activate electrodes attached to the genitals of a lifelike suspect, nicknamed "Nerveball." As the power goes up, the suspect yells out "Yellow Cake," "Gas," "Near Tikrit" and "Saddam-Osama!" But that's not all the fun. If you don't go to exactly the right amount of current, you'll get shocked yourself! "This is great," said visitor "Rack" Theissen, son of Bush aide, Marc Thiessen. You get to be the torturer and the victim!What are your ideas for exhibits in the Cheney Museum?