This is my first diary, not even sure if is it appropriate topic to put one here, but I need to vent and get things of my chest.
First some background. Married to a women I deeply love and have known for 30 years, been married 21 of those. While she is a sweet women, she has had a rough life. Her bio-dad was an alcoholic drunk and abusive womanizer. Her step-dad, while providing for her needs, was never more than her mom's husband to her, cold and unemotional with her. She ended up marrying a man 20 her senior as soon as she turned 18. He turned out to be a violent abusive prick. We got together and hooked up 7 years later when she finally divorced him.
Needless to say, she has a lot of baggage she carries. She suffers from PTSD and social anxiety disorder, and has been diagnosed as bi-polar. Our middle son has a frontal lobe disorder, and is DD. On top of this my father is in the middle stage of Alzheimers. Being to only one of my siblings to live close by, I am the one who ends up being the relief pitcher for my mother when she needs a break.
I am one of those quite guys, who just does what needs being done, and most of time doesn't ask questions. Been described as being more wedded to duty and obligations than anything else.
Now on to my current situation. The wife and her therapist finally began making headway with her. With our encouragement (therapist and I) we finally got her to start taking an interest in life again. She started back to school last year. to finish the education she started 25 years ago. I am supportive, but it has meant more for me to do. I took on a second job to help pay for her school, and to keep our head above water. I am the primary care giver for out middle son.
So anyhow, I started to feel the weight of everything 6 or 7 months ago, and the stress really started to cause me to get depressed. Having bad thoughts about myself and my life. Started to have suicidal thoughts not often, but enough worry me. I have never been one to let life's ups and downs get to me.
I tried talking to my wife about, and I guess they way I have been in past got in the way. When I told her I was depressed and feeling overwhelmed her answer was "what are talking about, Nothing ever bothers you, you'll be fine". It kind of crushed me, I got angry inside, and told her I needed to go to my parents house for a little while. I get to my parent's place about 20min later, wanting to talk, as I walk up their drive my mom comes out visabley distressed and haggard looking. "thank god your here I need a break" a kiss on the check, and gone before I can even start talking. I guess everybody sees me as a dependable rock they can lean on. So what to I do, when the rock needs somebody to lean on?