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Good evening, America.
As you know, technology has changed the way we fight our wars and conduct counterterrorism operations.
Tonight, I introduce to you another technological advance . . .
With the touch of a button, the Re-Obamulator transports me . . . back to the idealistic constitutional scholar we all know and love.
With this groundbreaking technology, lives will be saved. And I, will be me.
For we are not a nation of drone strikes that kill civilians and U.S. citizens.
That is not America. That is not me.
I urge you to contact your members of Congress to demand that they restrain me, before I kill again.
And our shame of Guantanamo: a shadow system of justice, indefinite detention, secret charges, and our military force-feeding prisoners who have been cleared of any charges?
Is this who we are?
This is not me.
We must demand the military's Commander-in-Chief put a stop to this stain on our nation's soul . . . as I have been urging for five long years.
Now, on our own shores, we have hounded the very journalists who help preserve our democracy.
As James Madison surely must have said: "There will come a great president, who will establish a review board to weigh civil liberty concerns."
I believe I am that president.
And thanks to advances like the Re-Obamulator . . .
hands will be wrung, conscience will be felt, and souls will be searched.
I can be the new old Obama, you know and love.
Together, as a nation, we can make me the President you thought I was.
Thank you . . . now watch this drone.