I miss my sister.
Every day I find a reason for wanting to talk to her- needing to hear what she would say to any given circumstance. I miss her presence. I miss her being here.
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Unlike a private journal, here, you know your words are read by people who have been through their own hell.
There's no need to pretty it up or tone it down. It just is.
This is how it is for me.
My sister's death killed all the anger and animosity I had for her during the last year of her life. You see, my sister was a Rush fan- a die hard right wing republican who never let a moment go by to remind me of that fact.
She knew my politics and yet she never just allowed us to meet and be 'sisters'. There was always the dig. And not just a statement- no, she had to always rub it in, making statements about President Obama that disgusted me, but the smile was on her face and the elbow was planted in my ribs.
I couldn't talk to her anymore and didn't- until my other sister called to tell me the news.
I often wonder what she would make of what's happening today. Would she still have worshipped Rush after the Sandra Fluke affair? Probably- because I remember telling her that according to that disgusting man, my sister is the scum of the earth, being on SSI and living on food stamps in a Section 8 housing.
She didn't care. The right wing propaganda machine made her feel important- gave her other scapegoats to blame for the misfortunes in her own life. I understood that, yet she could not.
And I miss her every day.
And I miss my daughter, too.
Only she is alive and well and living in a world completely cut off from reality. As a evangelical Christionist, she too feeds off the conservative talking points- believing that everyone and anyone who does not share her beliefs is a spawn of the devil and needs to be saved.
A few weeks ago, I had to 'un-friend' my daughter from Facebook. This was not an easy decision, but I could not look at another "Obama is Hitler' cartoon or read bible quotes warning me of my doom. My last straw was belittling the children killed in Newtown by comparing them to 'the millions killed by abortion."
I wish there was a way I could change what is happening. I don't like thinking about how I would feel if something happened to my daughter (or to me- leaving her with unanswered wonderings). It is all too very sad.
I grieve for the lost relationship- a relationship killed by polarized politics and ideology.
I miss her every day.