In a breakthrough that has huge implications beyond national security, the NSA has increasingly come to rely on highly-sensitive aroma-sensing technology that can track the "genetic signature" of farts back to their original source.
"The old adage, 'Whoever smelt it, dealt it,' is dead," said smells expert, Dr. Hubert Steenkbaum of the University of Wisconsin-Bratwurst. "Now they know who dealt it."
In a leaked document marked "TOP SECRET/HIGHLY CLASSIFIED/Don't-even-think-about-trying-to-pass-this-gas-to-a-media-outlet," an unidentified NSA aroma expert writes:
We now have the capability to trace an air bagel back to its source, using extremely accurate genetic coding that makes each methane bomb as unique as an individual snowflake.
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Imagine having the ability to know instantly who let fly with the SBD in a crowded elevator. We can do that. The offending party can be identified and called out on the spot. In addition, we expect to have technology in the near future that can be easily deployed in urban areas to identify and track serial flatulators. These highly-sensitive devices are no bigger than a penny and can be unobtrusively installed on light standards, attached to street signs, even installed in sewer grates. (Yes, they can distinguish between live panty burps and stale sewer gases.)
The document goes on to cite an additional audio component that links the unique sounds of an individual's gas-passing to that person:
Each human's anal acoustics are unique. This technology can identify an individual's trouser trumpet signature, creating an instant linkage between a colonic calliope and an offender.
A number of U.S. Senators defended the NSA's need for this technology today, including Senator Kelly Ayotte (R-NH) who said, "I only wish the NSA had this stuff deployed in the Senate elevators. McCain is the master of the SBD. And I don't know what Marco Rubio eats for lunch, but stay out of the elevator with him after three o'clock."
A spokesman for the NSA, Tim Tooter, declined to either affirm or deny the existence of aroma-sensing technology, saying cryptically that the agency, "reserves the right to read the telegraph from Ft. A-hole to Cmdr. Nostril announcing the arrival of Gen. Shat."