OK the company is really called Booz Allen Hamilton, my new employer. I start on Monday.
You will not believe how my job interview went. So I recorded it.
Interviewer: Did you read over the confidentiality agreement and sign all of the copies?
Me: Sure. Here they are.
Int: Great thanks. (Scoops them up.)
Me: Don't I keep a copy?
Int: Why? We will keep it for you. So tell me, why do you want to work here?
Me: I heard that you guys were working hard to protect America. You seem to have lots of contracts. Seems like well paying work...
Int: (Chuckling) You got the last part right ...
Me: ... and I have a security clearance, like your postings call for. You must have checked it out or I guess I wouldn't be here...
Int: Sure. But you have to actually be able to keep a secret...
Me: ... unlike that traitor Snowden ...
Int: (Snorting) ... Traitor? No that's not the problem. That jerk is trying to screw up a really sweet deal ...
Me: What? What sweet deal?
Int: You saw our ad didn't you? With the part about "enriching our communities"?
Me: Uh, yeah. So ...
Int: Well we put the rich in 'enriching'.
Me: How so?
Int: Did you ever see "Wall Street", where the guy gets rich on insider trading?
Me: A long time ago ...
Int: Yeah, well he goes to jail for that.
Me: Hey, are you saying you are getting rich like that and not going to jail?
Me: Of course you will go to jail for that. Everyone gets caught...
Int: Not here baby. We got Bush to sign this beautiful thing called the Patriot Act. We have a pipeline straight to every CEO, trade negotiator, and merger specialist on the planet.
Me: But you can't listen to their calls without a reason!
Int: Why bother? It's trivial to figure out what's going on. Just look at who calls who, who travels where and when for a meeting. Piece of cake. Quietly place a few trades in the market, and snap! You're on Easy Street.
Me: But there are investigators! You still get caught!
Int: By whom exactly? With a secret court? All you have to do is say terrorist three times and 99% of the suspicions evaporate.
Me: What about the other 1%?
Int: Most of those want in on the deal. You 'have' heard of the 1% haven't you?
Me: Yeah. I've heard of the 1%. The ones the OWS people are always protesting about. The OWS folks keep complaining about you spying on them ...
Int: (A little agitated) We don't care about those dirty fucking hippies! There is no money in that!
Me: Wait a minute, why are you telling me all of this in an interview? I don't even work here.
Int: (Smiling now.) Do you always sign things without reading them? Did you notice when I said 'most' of the remaining 1% want in on the deal? There are always a few pains in the ass left. Their lives get really complicated.
You have skills in your background we really like, and I am not talking about what you put in your resume or your application. And we know about your little IRS issue...
Me: Uh, oh. .... Should I start on Monday?
Int: Great! We thought you would like to play on our team. Take the weekend to look for a nice new car.