This is a profile of the Politiformers in the first decade of the new millennium. Know them well! It was a Reagan-era act of deregulation (98 FCC 2d 1076 [1984], to be exact [PDF]) that set these powerful automatons off and running rampant, the Republicons and the Demobots. I know, I know what you're thinking, life imitates art imitates life, first as comedy, second as farce. But we press on... starting with the tail end of the credits: "The characters and events in this motion picture are fictional and have no relation to any real persons, living or dead." Pshaw. My ass, Hasbro. Heck, back when they made the show in the 1980s, they even set the movie in 2005! Well, I guess the lawyers did leave open "characters and events yet to come." Here, see for yourself:
REPUBLICONS
Decepticans, whatever—you don't even really have to change the name.
Evil, or incompetent? Haha, trick question! Gotta say, this whole thing kind of breaks down from the get-go when you consider that the make-believe cartoon characters actually fight in their own wars. But hey, you go to metaphor with the robot army you have, not the robot army you might want. Careful, or you might start to question why some of the Politiformers' transformations aren't really much of a disguise. Anyways... Republicons, ATTACK!
Soundwell
Loyal, versatile, and highly proficient, he always follows orders to a T, especially when it comes to
misinformation and
cover-ups. Heck, he's a tape recorder, and one who learned from
Nixon's mistakes. He commands major respect from some Demobots despite the kind of robots he chooses to take orders from. What the hey; when he transforms, conservation of mass seems not to apply to him either.
Shockrove
With laser gun focus, he perpetually mans the controls and tries to keep the empire running. "The fools I have to work with," he grumbles, as he stares with that beady eye. Just don't watch his attempt at rap; you'll forever be scarred by his
stiff-jointed performance, no joke. (Why did you watch that? I warned you!) When he's not turning puny worker robots into slag, apparently he
collects stamps, or something.
Gingscream
Always trying to stage some kind of coup, he flails about, makes a lot of noise, never lets his
obvious faults get in the way of calling others out on them, and has no compunction about
going after Politiformers on his own team. When he does manage to take over, the whole thing
goes to hell in a hurry. Amazingly, enough Republicons continue to
pay him sufficient heed that he can keep coming back for more.
Thunderleezza
Everything is always like the Cold War with the planet Russia; it's what she knows best. Reserved unless provoked, she works behind the scenes. Pity the robot on the receiving end of her
stare of death.
Ashcrust
Cone-headed and
ugly, but
complicated, he did his
best work while out of commission in the heavy maintenance hangar. (By the way, why am I getting the idea that these guys were all made from the same mold?) All that aside, you should hear him
sing the glories of flight!
Kickfeld
"We must feed (must feed) the empire (the empire)! People are suffering as a consequence, you say? This whole thing
might be worse than for naught, you contend? How do you
know that? Besides, too bad,
stuff happens (stuff happens)." Fancies himself some kind of philosophical intellectual, but really he's just got bugs for brains.
Bomblay
His favorite trick is to implant a "brain bug" remote-control device into other robots: "You
must hire Republicons, you must hire Republicons..." One kind of gets the feeling that, had he more self-awareness about being a beetle, it would wipe that
grin off his face and actually bring about overwhelming self-loathing, although I can't quite put my rolled-up newspaper on
why.
Neoconstructicons
Long-range planners, they keep trying to form
ShockastatAwe and blatantly crush another unfortunate civilization, but they haven't quite gotten the band back together since 2003.
Wumble
Pipsqueak punk just likes to break stuff. Yeah, sure, he'll tell you that he's bringing about a
"peeance, freeance secure planet Iraq." Gee,
that's deep.
Palinbeak
"Squaaaaawk! I can
hear planet Russia from my tape deck!" That's great. Now cut it out with the buzzing around and gratuitously firing lasers at
hapless critters. And don't look now, but a
bird of a feather brings ill portent for your political future.
Scourgie
Trepidatious and cowardly, he only
acts forcefully after he's sure he's safe. C'mon, Scourgie, give it up already, we all know your heart's not really in it! To be sure, that aspect does lend him a certain entertaining air, which makes him
our favorite among the otherwise interchangeable Republicon Press Sweepretaries.
Astrocain
Ah yes, a triple-changer: "I'm an mavericky moderate! I'm a
rabid, reckless right-winger!" (Don't watch that video either.) "But wait, I'm also a corporate hack! Whatever, you morons, I have it all, get out of the way and put
me in charge!" I mean, really, a steam locomotive? Talk about obsolete thinking.
Cyclomney
Perpetually sleek, cynical, and insincere, nobody likes him. And yet, he could be powerful someday, out of sheer wealth and persistence.
Megadick
His ruthlessness and cunning, combined with his insatiable thirst for energy resources and the eagerness with which he employs destructive force, put him atop the Republicon dogpile. When you're all gun and
no heart... Actually, scratch that, even
transplanting a live, beating heart didn't help. He is so powerful and feared that, when he personally blasted a fellow Republicon in the face, the associate
apologized to
him. Let's just hope he doesn't get reincarnated as Galvadick.
[shudder]
:: ::
DEMOBOTS
Don't reverse the name mashup, or you might get ideas.
Descended from peaceful worker robots, their main weakness is that they can't fly. But then every once in a while some of them do anyway. Something about "keeping our powder dry?" Never mind that... Demobots, ROLL OUT!
Alpha Clinton
The prototypical New Demobot: the rest of 'em are just also-rans. Hell, he's merged consciousness with Washingtron's core.
Gorefire
He is powerful warrior of potentially great stature, though he disengages from messy combat too readily and at some point kind of checked out. I guess he was a bit of a New Demobot back in the day anyways. He seems to be of a more advanced technology, though as he is made of metal, he's a little stiff. (That's a cheap shot—they're all made of metal!) You know, were he in charge, he never woulda attacked the
planet Iraq, and he was damn right about that high-mileage maintenance
lockbox.
Howard Rod
He's fiery, and he seems impulsive, but what the hell, the Demobots shoulda given him the Matrix of Leadership in 2004. Maybe he could've used it to light our darkest hour, or something. At least we
pie-throwers helped get him the Command Chair of the Demobotic spaceship,
over the New Demobot-types' best efforts.
Lieber-1
A GoToWarBot? You're
no Demobot. You suck!
Leecomber
Lady
was right. The hippies are always right.
Percepterry
A solid technocrat, he cleans up other Demobots' interplanetary messes, and he thoroughly—and I mean microscopically—inspects both sides of everything before acting. Heck, he overthought himself right out of winning leadership of the whole shebang. You'd expect he'd have a little more consistency as a peacemonger, given his
background. Still, he's got staying power.
Cosmosich
He may seem kinda spacey, but that's so superficial. He's
seen a lot, and he
tries, man, he tries. (Sorry, Dennis, you deserve a better-looking robot than that, but... the tie matches!)
Ironnhidedy
Battle-scarred and dependable, he's a team player who gruffly reminds everyone to do what's practical and to get cracking. Minivans
are quite practical, are they not?
Jazzyers
He was righteously valiant back when he was trying to
bring down the tyrannical Republicon leader (is there any other kind?) in the 1970s, but nowadays that disco just sounds like a lot of
noise.
Wexlerglide
Excitable and
daring, he
engages in combat at the drop of a hat. Kind of a bit player, to be sure, though he's a bigger deal 'round
these parts.
Pelatchet
A Demobotic stalwart and a
pioneering leader, she is impressively resourceful at keeping the
machinery in good running condition. A careful one, she never takes drastic action, even when it's
called for.
Bumblestone
Independently-minded, kind, humble, and morally centered, he's humans' best friend. Why doesn't everyone listen to him more often?
Hilljack
Pragmatic and versatile, and never one to shy from a fight, she earned her racing stripes
trying to build a universal tune-up and repair network back in the Alpha Clinton administration. Damn that Republicon sabotage! She's always burning the midnight oil at her machine shop, working on some powerful new device. A little
too powerful of a device...
Gearry
Oh, so tough, Gearry! Why do you keep getting everyone into so much trouble? Perhaps it's because you're crusty and you
don't like change.
Jacks
Smooth and urbane, he... Aw, what the hell, it doesn't really fit, but
who cares, look at those flames on the hood! Why the red face, though? Must be from his latest gaffe.
Ultruss Magnold
He can't quite seem to get a grip on power, but (or, rather, because?) he has impeccable
principles and solid mechanics. Even out of power, he's going to self-sacrificingly champion the Demobotic
cause. Occasionally he takes too high of a road and
overestimates the legitimacy of other robots' actions. Regardless, can't help but compare him to the other car carriers out there on the road, and they don't measure up.
Baracktimus Prime
A monumental example to the rest of the Demobots, he exudes thoughtful assuredness and authority. His political rise was like the truck rolling down the highway that he is. (By the way, where
does that semi-trailer full of
support gear go when he's not in campaign trail mode?) Still, he so often fights on the Demobots' own turf, pulls their punches, knowingly walks them into traps, and does things that leave you wondering what's really going on, you begin to think that the major plot points follow a script written on behalf of owners of large corporations, who are trying to get you to become true-believer fans so that you'll buy their stuff and fork over even more of your money. Nah... That couldn't be it, could it?
:: ::
Everyone Else
Corporassons
Multi-faced, soulless, ageless, and inherently evil, they just can't help themselves from pulling strings behind the scenes. Amoral, or immoral? Haha, trick question again!
Lobbicons
They serve the Corporassons' every whim. Relentlessly persistent, they seem to have some kind of hive mind. Sorta fickle, though.
Washingtron
Demobots and Republicons fight back and forth for control of this city-planet, the fate of which has great impact on Earth. Neither side can ever seem to vanquish the other for good. (Can't quite put your finger on it, but does something in there seem a tad inconsistent with other parts of the premise? Too bad, welcome to the Politiformers!)
Uniburton
In either its mercenary pillage-happy Viking mode or its only-slightly-more-subtle globular industrial contractor form, it feeds on natural resources and the destruction of civilizations in order to further expand its reach and concentrate its power. Though Megadick
proclaims independence from Uniburton, it and he are inextricably intertwined, both in terms of influence and cashola. Uniburton's only weakness is one wee little thing: the One True Ring that can only be destroyed... Wait, no, wrong story. It's the Fifth Element, not earth, fire, wind, or... Damnit, no! It's the good side of the Force... Aw, heck. Well, anyways: it's what the Demobots are supposed to stand for but all too often don't.
Humans
Uh, I guess that would be us hapless souls. Also known as "flesh creatures," if you ask Megadick. (But please don't; the less he thinks about us, the better). Good luck keeping the planet in livable condition!
:: ::
Obtain the author's permission before reproducing this article. All Transformers comparisons in this post refer to (and in turn parody!) the "Generation 1" cartoon and movie (1984-1987). Mouse over the images to see the pre-mashup names. Any crossover from that newfangled Michael Bay stuff is purely coincidental, I assure you. Imagery sourcing is fair use due to parody/commentary purpose, small size, and new composition. The Seibertron, ToyBin, and Transformers Wiki sites were useful for "research" for the post, and it's amazing what you can find on YouTube these days.