Skip to main content

So I saw my therapist today and picked up my meds and we were talking about whether or not I was ready to go home.  It was productive and a good session.

And then I made the mistake of talking to Mum.

More below the Dooblydoo.

This is a rantish diary - I do not need any bullshit about how grateful I should be to my parents for "taking me in" or how "spoiled and childish" I am for wanting my own life back. Just don't go there and read something else.

So naturally, I'm worried about the bills and how I will cope once I get home.  I'm worried about getting my meds and getting better without therapy since there's not any really available I can afford. My therapist and I talked about strategies should I stay, getting out more and meeting people - and ways I could manage if I went home.  In short - we did therapy.

And the honest truth is - I don't know how I will manage once I go home.  I don't know that I'm as scrappy and clever as I was before I came here.  I've gotten soft and fat and used to running water and microwaves.  I don't know what will happen with my SSDI claim - it's no longer in my hands, I just have to wait for the decision - and the vast majority of people don't get through the first round a winner.  So I'm very likely facing another fall and winter of scrounging and struggle like I have been if that works out the way I expect it to.  My personal motto is "Murphy was an optimist."

If I do happen to be a lucky crazy person and get approved - everything will be fine once the payments start.  I will have more than enough to take care of myself and the boat and the car and the cat because my expenses are low.  I will be able to see doctors and therapists and truly work at getting better in a non-toxic environment.  I'm hoping, but not expecting - and have the name of an Oregon based SS lawyer if I have to start jumping through hoops all over again for round two.  But if I'm approved - I will be ok and have the resources to take care of myself properly and focus on getting better in my own home and my town where I feel safe and part of the community.

But I made the mistake of mentioning my doubts to Mum.  And it rapidly went downhill from there.

My Mum is one of those people who hears, but doesn't listen.  And those are two very different things.  She is a FOX nation kind of woman - right now she's on Facebook going on about poor Paula Dean and how everyone is being SO unfair to her.  She's mad - not only about how poor Paula is being railroaded - but because I refuse to play her nasty little games.

She's always been a knife twister - the kind of mum who laughs when you're afraid and mocks you for being stupid, the kind who looks for and uses the quickest quip to hurt your feelings.  At least she has always been with me. The kind of woman who in all seriousness says things like, "It's not exactly that we like him more, it's just he's so much easier than you. And HE was sick."  

Because you know, an autistic child isn't really sick.  A teen with schizophrenia and no one notices isn't really a problem.  Seriously.  I've heard and talked to the voices since I was 12 or 13 and no one noticed.  Not because I was particularly good at hiding it yet, simply because no one noticed me.  The invisible kid.  The unimportant kid.  The other kid.

So dumbass me, that's who I went to for comfort and advice - because you know - dumbass. And naturally, it blew up in my face.  I was told I "didn't like" my tae kwon do classes - so that was out if I stayed. ORLY?  I'm expensive. Monthly favourite there - pity the poor tea partiers that wanted me to cat sit while they went to Scotland. They won't be supporting me if I leave and I'll just be poor and it will be my fault/choice. She just doesn't know what I'm capable of - but she doesn't see me trying to do anything. You can totally think yourself better if you try hard enough, you know? So it's the - I don't want you to go but I'm sure going to make you miserable about being here dance - and I don't want to play that bullshit.  I don't have the energy for it. I just don't.

Stage two is the "give ridiculous advice and then be butthurt when I point out that it's ridiculous" section of the game. If you just didn't expect the "Jew church" to be so...Jewish, then you wouldn't have a problem going there. You can go to this new free clinic I just looked up for that sinus infection you beat yourself because we wouldn't give you money to see the doctor.  How dare you not have it anymore now I found a way to not pay for treatment! Ingrate! That's right, go back to your room, coward, because this bullshit is my best maternal side reserved for you, dammit!

So fuck it.  I'm going after they get back from the 4th of July with my uncle - that was this month's we need you here you can't leave when you wanted to excuse.  Until they come up with next month's we need you for X/can't afford it (but she "works three jobs" and my dad is a retired COLONEL with a secondary pension as a pilot from another 20 year career after he left the military) and you can't leave when you wanted excuse.  

But it's totally my choice.  See?

Originally posted to Mortifyd on Mon Jun 24, 2013 at 06:56 PM PDT.

Also republished by Community Spotlight.

Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags


More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

    •  I'm probably "healthiest" here (14+ / 0-)

      with access to care and meds without worry.  but my sanity is only going to recover so much being smothered with cat hair and crazypants from other people.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Mon Jun 24, 2013 at 08:46:39 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  If you can, start eliminating your stressers. (2+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        RiveroftheWest, Mortifyd

        Low-grade stress will grind you down. Do you need the cat? Does the cat need you? Or would it be happier elsewhere? Would you be happier if it was elsewhere?

        Not sure exactly what crazypants are, but they don't sound fun. If you're talking about people who keep hassling you, stay away from 'em when you can and when you can't, just nod and say, "Uh huh" and "I understand.  Remembering always that "I understand" does not mean "I agree."  

        But I know, just a little, what you're experiencing. No real awfulness in my family, just me as the drudge, never quite being believed when the two charming--and totally manipulative siblings--cheerfully lied about me and my parents believed them. Couldn't figure out for years why my parents thought I was "overly sensitive" and "inclined to exaggerate" until I realized that  extroverts who can lie with a smile tend to be believed over bewildered introverts who can't articulate the problem. This is life

        Best to you....try to see the humor in things if you can. I've found that when things just get so bizarre that it drives me crazy--not talking about clinical crazy here--it's helpful to kick into what I call my "theatre of the absurd" mode--"Okay, these people could not talk sense if their live depended on it, but human beings are like that!" and start to laugh. Silently if I'm with someone else.

        Don't expect logic from other people. Those who have it and use it are very rare.  

        Freedom has two enemies: Those who want to control everyone around them...and those who feel no need to control themselves.

        by Sirenus on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 07:12:40 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  I definitely need my cat. (0+ / 0-)

          It's the 12 others my dad needs that are too much for my allergies.

          It seems my best option is to stay until SSDI is approved or when Medicaid for all in Oregon happens in 2014.  

          I talked Mum into taekwondo classes again to get out of the house and more exercise. I spend 90% of my time in my room.

          The main thing is my parents are very... challenging and expect total obedience.  Control freaks.  I'm 43, and a LOT harder to intimidate than I was - and I have boundaries.  Good boundaries, which upsets them.

          And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

          by Mortifyd on Wed Jun 26, 2013 at 01:12:38 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          •  Hang in there (1+ / 0-)
            Recommended by:
            It seems my best option is to stay until SSDI is approved or when Medicaid for all in Oregon happens in 2014.
            Have you thought of writing?  Engrossing diary.  Seems like there must be a lot of short stories in your past.  Amazon supports self-publishing.  

            Even Democrats can be asses. Look at Rahm Emanuel.

            by Helpless on Wed Jun 26, 2013 at 09:20:13 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

  •  Generally.... most generally (37+ / 0-)

    as a therapist with clients who have diagnosed mental illness that does respond to medication I will draw 2 circles on a piece of paper: a small one and a big one.

    The small circle is USUALLY one's "mental illness". The part of their lives that will respond to meds. All things considered, this part is 'sort of' cut and dried. I suppose the more one accepts the diagnosis and works on this part of treatment (taking meds, figuring out if they really do help, etc..)

    The Bigger circle is "psychodynamic issues": this is the meat of therapy and I brought this up due to the mention of "schizophrenia" in your diary: Families are systems and often the dynamics of those systems are far more out of control than the symptoms of the illness. All too often I have treated someobe with a psychotic illness and discovered their family dynamics are just sick and the poor person with the diagnosed illness is the scapegoat.

    Try to fix that and the family gets all cantankerous. This is partly whats up with the "you can't leave". The family is trying to keep things the same: you seem ready to do more and they want to hobble this.

    This was  for support and to say I read your post.

    I hope it gets better.

    •  oh there is no question my family is not healthy (20+ / 0-)

      but they are shockingly normal.

      And I am definitely the scapegoat kid while my brother is the golden child.  But that's just the way it is.

      She finally said I should talk to my therapist about having a family session so they can learn how to help me - knowing full well since it's a free clinic that one wouldn't be scheduled until well after I want to be gone - just another way to stop me leaving and control me.

      I have an appt with my doctor next week - as opposed to my therapist - and I will see what he thinks and what we can do - it may be very enlightening for them to actually see my parents in action just once before I go.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Mon Jun 24, 2013 at 07:45:43 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  I'll give you something to make you feel better... (2+ / 0-)

        ...about your lot.

        You aren't in MY family.

        My family is a freak-show without the tent.

        I have seperated myself however I can from the toxic ones. I refuse any truck with them.

        Besides my own nuclear family, I only associate with good friends who are loyal. They have become as much a family as I could hope. Good friends are priceless. I hope you have many.

        "Wealthy the Spirit which knows its own flight. Stealthy the Hunter who slays his own fright. Blessed is the Traveler who journeys the length of the Light."

        by CanisMaximus on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 01:31:25 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  I don't think anyone who has read any (20+ / 0-)

    of your diaries would ever dare suggest that you should be more grateful to your parents or that you are childish and spoiled.  Good grief, I would say quite the opposite.

    Do you have any timeframe on when the SSI decision might come down?  I'm glad to hear you have a plan in Oregon to start the process over, but I would hate to see you go and then have to struggle once you get there.

    It's a rough choice, one the one hand getting out of a toxic family situation with the chance of financial hardship, on the other a bit more financial security but stuck with people who are holding you down.

    Does your therapist have any opinion about going v. staying?

    Hang in there, Mortifyd.

    I blog about my daughter with autism at her website

    by coquiero on Mon Jun 24, 2013 at 08:59:59 PM PDT

    •  you'd be surprised. (12+ / 0-)

      There have been people who claim to have read my diaries who have said both.

      My therapist knows the doctor who did the evaluation, and said she would ask him about time frames, etc. for me - and I will check in with my doctor about it when I see him next week.  I think starting over would suck, but you just have to deal the cards you were dealt.

      My therapist tries very hard to have no opinions really, but if pushed I suspect she would fall on the stay side.  I will also be discussing the matter with the doctor and if she's got a second try to get them both to weigh in together on it.

      That said - she's never met my parents or seen them when no one is looking.  So it's one thing for me to describe them - it's something else to see the monster actually out and being herself and ColCatLady frothing about people needing to read his mind because he's Right.

      If we did a group therapy session I can guarantee they would be on their best behaviour trying to appear the perfect parents because that's what they do - right up until the performance is over and then all hell breaks loose for having had to do one.

      So while I'm scared - I'm also pretty much ready to say screw it and if they cough up the money and no more blocking excuses to just take the opportunity to run - even if it means I will lose my meds and my support to get better for now.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Mon Jun 24, 2013 at 09:49:43 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  sorry your mother sucks as a parent or as a person (14+ / 0-)

    at least, as you say, to you. Our moms have some similarities (mines been dead for 11 yrs, however).

    I hope you will find your way out of this entangled thicket, find your path out, and get clear and on your feet and feel safe.

    I hope you actually Know that diabilty will be enough for all the things you say it will be. It was not for me, but then I worked in nonprofit so never made much. I did get it on the first try though and I was well under 50 (cutoff for when it's easier to get it on first try, I hear. You are "retrainable" before that point, usually, or something like that). I documented that I could not function at that time. I am actually and ironically proud I got in on the first try because that was my own pcp wouldnt submit the paperwork so I had to get each note. I had work in healthcare having to oversee patients getting on clinical was actually a very similar function...get all the data to document each claim I made/question asked about myself. The caseworker I knew would be trying to see, just as I had done in my job, if she could fit me into different criteria she had based on what I claimed and if I had documentation of it in my medical record. (mostly office visit notes).

    I've know people who were the "easy" child ie the other child was ill or had some widely obvious urgent issues...autism would seem to fit that. I know she says you WEREN"T easy but that might just be a dig I'm guessing because they reportedly ACTED like he was the one who was needing attention. Parents do that. It sounds like they ignored your needs because they COULD maybe.

    I mean to speak generically so ignore if this sounds like I know about your family. WHat I do know is several people who were the healthy or "less in need of urgent attention" child. They had a handicapped or chronically ill sibling. ANd their own needs were ignored. Parents were overwhelmed by the other child's needs so the "job" of the "normal" or "healthy" child was to Not Need ANything. Sometimes parents even got mad (if they were very disfunctional) if the "easy" or "healthy" child had needs and they squelched, demeaned,or ignored those needs.

    Id seen that before and some if it reminded me of your description of your situation

    anyway best of luck to you.

    •  It should be - while I never made bank (13+ / 0-)

      I had a couple years at decent paying temp to perm jobs in the financial industry and my expenses on the boat really are very low - it's much less than an apartment by a considerable amount - and I'm happy there.  From what I have been told from Social Security workers - it should be more than enough for my needs and even let me work on fancying up the boat a bit at a time.  Just having a steady, if small income without the constant fear of it yanked out from under me while I learn to live without voices and outright delusions would be a major improvement.

      My brother is diabetic from infancy so he is truly ill - but he was also fussed over and spoiled and there wasn't enough time or energy left for me.  As I was a quiet kid to begin with - I was easy to forget - and to bully into not asking for attention in the first place after a few years.  Add to that a father with alcoholism and denied PTSD and Mum has her own mental health issues - we're just not the healthiest brains on the block in some ways. :P

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Mon Jun 24, 2013 at 11:23:08 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Perspective on SSI/SSDI. (10+ / 0-)

        Stages of SSI/SSDI application & appeal process:

        1. Initial application.
        2. Reconsideration.
        3. Administrative law judge hearing.
        4. Appeals Council.
        5. Appeal to United States District Court.
        6. Appeal to United States Court of Appeals.
        7. Appeal to United States Supreme Court (exceptionally rare; essentially not worth considering).

        Statistics (from ):

        Approval on initial application: Louisiana 36%, Oregon 33%.

        Approval on reconsideration: Louisiana 22%, Oregon 13%.

        Approval (fully or partially favorable) at ALJ hearing ("ODAR"): Louisiana varies with hearing office from 42% (Shreveport) to 63% (New Orleans); waiting time at this stage only = 6 to 10 months. Oregon varies with hearing office from 53% (Portland) to 66% (Eugene); waiting time at this stage only = 12 to 15 months.

        Because you are relatively young and obviously have a decent IQ, your odds are lower than the average claimant's.

        On 1/1/14, Oregon will participate in Medicaid expansion to cover people in your situation. Louisiana will not:

        If you drop out of mental health treatment, it will be much harder to win your disability claim.

        If you move to Oregon, will your parents pay for your meds? If not, you might want to consider staying in Louisiana till 1/1/14. Your odds of getting approved are higher in LA, even before considering the likelihood that you'll drop out of treatment in OR.

        Do you have a disability lawyer in Louisiana? If not, and if you stay in Louisiana for awhile, I strongly recommend you get a referral from

        I am a lawyer, NOSSCR member. I handle only SSI/SSDI disability cases, mostly at the higher levels of appeal.

        "The true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals." - Barack Obama

        by HeyMikey on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 08:35:41 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      •  I once read somewhere that it's the "good" kid (4+ / 0-)

        who commits suicide as a teenager.

        Not the rebellious, drinking, carousing kid. Who basically is enough of an egotist to get by.

        But the invisible kid. The kid who tries so hard to be perfect, thinking that "If I can just get all A's, my parents will notice me. If I can clean the dishes exactly how Mom wants, she'll say something nice. If I wash the car, sweep the garage out, Dad will thank me."

        But it doesn't happen. The only "reward" is more work, as the parent focuses on the "charming" kids or the "problem" kids and takes the "good" kid more and more for granted. I once remember listening as a mother, with her oldest daughter standing right there, said to a friend, "Oh, I never have to worry about Elizabeth. But Bill! He got into trouble again the other day...."

        And Elizabeth, family drudge, responsible human being who's only reward is more and more responsibility and work, dies a little bit. Because she realizes that somehow, in some way she can't understand, she is irrevocably flawed. She will always be the kid that no one worries about, that no one notices, the work horse who carries the load, the kid who is dying inside for want of a kind word or a "Thank you!" Any acknowledgement of her worth as a human being.

        Even in popular culture, the "good kids" get no respect. Books and movies portray them as snide, smug foils to the heroes of the piece, almost inevitably the "bad kid." Good kids aren't interesting. They provide no drama. They demand no attention. They cause no problems. They can be safely ignored.

        While they grow more and more bewildered, more and more empty, more and more despairing......

        Freedom has two enemies: Those who want to control everyone around them...and those who feel no need to control themselves.

        by Sirenus on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 07:32:07 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  •  bon voyage (10+ / 0-)

    How long can you be expected to stay in a toxic situation if there's any alternative at all?  I guess the 4th (or right after it) will be your independence day after all--

    And I hope you get a good ruling the first time out.

  •  never done this before, but wow...I didn't know (10+ / 0-)

    your story before.  (((((Mortifyd)))))    that's for you from someone who has the opposite of a dysfunctional family. The more I learn about other people's family dynamics the more I love mine. There's a good world with nice people out there beyond the family circle, too. Hope you get stable enough to find it and separate from the toxic.

    We are all pupils in the eyes of God.

    by nuclear winter solstice on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 02:51:24 AM PDT

  •  One question Mortifyd... (13+ / 0-)

    If you decide to head out to the boat, will you still be able to post diaries and let us know how you are doing?  It may sound crazy, but I care about you and I hope that you can find some peace and relaxation.  Water sounds pretty relaxing.

    "A weed is a plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered." Ralph Waldo Emerson

    by Yo Bubba on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 04:24:35 AM PDT

    •  I can't afford ocean internet but I do plan (5+ / 0-)

      to find net cafes and the like at ports to be able to post, yes.  But there will be a gap between them while I get from here to there.

      Of course, I'm nowhere near ready to sail anywhere.  The boat needs more work - not huge amounts in time, but more money than I have at the moment.  The weather has to be good for leaving - I've barely got time now if I was in Oregon and fully funded to get it all done and stocked - and I'm not in Oregon.  So next year would be the earliest I would be going at this point realistically.

      Seeing the comment above from HeyMikey - I may be shooting myself in the foot leaving here until things are sorted and staying in Louisiana until the changes kick in on "Obamacare" - no matter how miserable I am.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 01:21:16 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  All the best to you, you deserve it (9+ / 0-)

    I also have to say (just my non-professional opinion) that your Mum has some untreated issues of her own that go way beyond watching Fox News. You deserve compassionate, competent care, and rest and relaxation so that you can heal. Keep us posted - we are pulling for you.

    If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. - President John F. Kennedy

    by laurel g 15942 on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 06:22:51 AM PDT

    •  so many issues she needs a news kiosk (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      to keep them in - but she thinks she's just fine.

      Competent care I'm getting - rest and relaxation not so much.  I know how to live crazy, I've done it most of my adult life.  But I don't have the skills to cope with the crazy of the family - that's why I left in the first place at 17.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 02:07:07 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  I hope it gets better, Mort (6+ / 0-)

    30 years later, my mother & I have finally been able to revisit the toxic family dynamics from all those years ago.  I left, with nothing, & developed a lot of "messed up-edness" (I'm NOT a professional) as a result of just living through it all.  Having made it through all that, it has taken all these years to build the trust to go there again, and now everyone's old.

    I do not demand tolerance, I demand equal rights. --Anna Grodzka

    by VeggiElaine on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 06:23:12 AM PDT

    •  I feel you (2+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:
      RiveroftheWest, chimene

      I came here hoping things were less crazy than I remembered - they are more crazy.  No "closure" here - just the same old patterns of I'm a screw up and everyone else is just fine.  So it's got it's challenges and when things blow up like this I don't really know how to handle it or make it better.

      And we sail and we sail and we never see land, just the rum in the bottle and a pipe in my hand...

      by Mortifyd on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 02:08:38 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  •  the young man who grew up in the house next door (13+ / 0-)

    and still lives there
    aplogized to me once as I was leaving after a visit to mum

    he explained that he had tried to visit
    but said he just couldn't stand it because
    she is so relentlessly vicious

    it's been five years since I spoke w/the relations
    and it is the first time in my life I have lived without having my emotional guts wrenched out several times a year by my "loving" mom
    I wish I had done this decades earlier

    good for you seeing the problem and breaking free
    I'm rooting for you

    life is pretty great when the people you live around don't beat you up or neglect you constantly - as you seem to know already -

    congratulations on your bravery and best wishes for your success in healing and escaping your destructive past and embarking on a future of happiness in a loving community

  •  Hey Mortifyd! (13+ / 0-)

    Yes, I definitely agree, keep your eye on that light at the end of the tunnel and get out before they send your progress backwards. You can't focus on getting yourself better if you're dealing with their drama every day. In the meantime hold onto that hope, that freedom is coming. Sometimes that's all we can do.

    "Madness! Total and complete madness! This never would've happened if the humans hadn't started fighting one another!" Londo Mollari

    by FloridaSNMOM on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 07:09:25 AM PDT

  •  MortifyD (10+ / 0-)

    I stayed in a toxic family longer than I should have (19).  I stayed, I told myself, to watch over my little brother because I knew that once I left the abuse would then be shifted on to him.

    I was wrong.  And I was right.  Right that the abuse went to him - more physical as he is a boy.  I fought with my mouth, he had to fight with his fists.  But I was wrong in why I was staying.

    I stayed because in many ways I was dependent on the toxicity.  I stayed because all my life I stayed and fought.  Even when I wasn't living with them - grandparents, rehab, intensive therapy, residence living...)  I was "stuck" in the poison.

    Since my Mom's death a few years back, so much more understanding on my relative's sickness.  Alcoholism, co-dependency, child abuse, verbal abuse, the usual mayhem of living in the military and moving all the time....

    But I did what I had to do - to survive.  I made it out.  Through the years we heal.  We find better ways of coping.  

    If you need to stay in order to survive - I understand.  Do what you need to do but try not to compromise your well being.  Triage and plan.  Right now you need meds, shelter, food.  Awaiting SSID.  That's time to plan.  I do think things will get better as far as health care.  

    I have no advice, but I believe you are strong and determined.  Don't let their poison run you down.  In a sense, use them for what you need while planning a route.

    I am so sorry that you weren't loved as much as you deserved, but please know that you are lovely and capable of so much love despite them.  

    "Love One Another" ~ George Harrison

    by Damnit Janet on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 09:38:08 AM PDT

  •  In a toxic environment, it is the healthiest (6+ / 0-)

    person that is targeted. After all, any attempt at mental hygiene is seen as an attack on the status quo, and who are you, not to give them validation!

    Hang in there Mortifyd

  •  I hope this plan works out for you (4+ / 0-)

    It is so hard to be the party without any power (ie. someone else controls the money, the resources, the love) in a relationship that, on its surface, is supposed to be loving and healthy and supportive.

    And god forbid you make any independent decisions toward your desired outcomes, because then you're just being- well... you're being uncooperative with their plan. I've lived through this one with one set of my parents, and the best I can do anymore is to just try to keep any conversation limited to the weather, to never be alone with them, and to limit contact to the briefest time spans. They rewrite reality to suit them, and I'll probably be disinherited in the long run because I don't obey, but hey, my sanity has some worth, as does yours.

    Fingers crossed for you.

    Anyone who scoffs at happiness needs to take their soul back to the factory and demand a better one. -driftglass

    by postmodernista on Tue Jun 25, 2013 at 06:25:32 PM PDT

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site