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Conservatives have been all over the airwaves telling us God is outraged by the Marriage Equality decision of the Supreme Court. This made me think, what does God really think about the Supreme Court’s ruling, if anything? So I decided to  pitch God for an interview on my radio show. God was not available during my show time, but God did give me a few minutes (an amount of time equal to 1 billionth of the half life of God attention span, God’s PR angel told me) and said that I could read the transcript on air.  I jumped at the opportunity, got God’s Skype handle and interviewed God.

The comments from the conservative side of the aisle about the Supreme Court’s two decisions on marriage seemed to follow a pattern.

“The court has overruled  God”

“This is the end of American civilization as we know it.God will punish us”

“DOMA ruling makes polygamy inevitable and bestiality and pedophilia are next.  I am outraged God is outraged.”

“A violation of the laws of nature and God.  ”

“God will punish us for our outrageous wicked ways.”

“What God has defined the Supreme Court may not redefine.  God will punish us.”

You get the picture.  They are outraged and they are sure that God is outraged along with them.

This made me think , what does God really think about the Supreme Court’s ruling, if anything?

So I decided to  pitch God for an interview on my radio show. Well, God was not available during my show time, but God did give me a few minutes (an amount of time equal to 1 billionth of the half life of God attention span, God’s PR angel told me) and said that I could read the transcript on air.  I jumped at the opportunity, got God’s Skype handle and interviewed God.

So here goes – this  is what God said to me.

Thank you God for the time, I know you are a busy God and I appreciate it.

Think nothing of it.  It is good to take a break once in a while and talk with a representative of the…let’s see, 42 trillion species I have created in 800 billion galaxies, give or take ten or twenty.

God, conservatives in the country of the United States on the planet earth are outraged that that nation’s Supreme Court will allow gay people to marry.  And they claim you are outraged too.  Are you?

Hmmm…let me check the Holy Hard Drive.  Oh yes .  Human beings – like yourself – on the planet earth.  Pesky species, but they won’t last long so I really don’t pay much attention to them.  They keep getting outraged by the wrong things and praying for useless stuff.

Wait - what do you mean they won’t last long?

Currently their future ends in 80 - 100  revolutions of their planet as a civilization and 150 revolutions of the planet as a species.  Climate change, you know. And stupid wars over religion.  And pollution and greed.  But, that will clear the way for a new species, and a few of the old ones, like roaches, to take over.  Tough species, roaches – one of my toughest and longest lasting creations. And they don’t fight dumb wars, although they have been know to eat each other, which is a good individual survival strategy, but kind of icky.

Wait – you mean that humans are all going to die in 150 years?

Well, not for sure – nothing is for sure.  I can’t really see the future, you know, just billions of possible futures.  You get to pick the one you want.  Free will you call it, although I may not create any more species with free will.  Too much trouble.

 But as I see it now, the organizations of greed that have evolved in humanity – you call them global corporations – will complete their conquest of the planet  in about 25 years.  They will kill or imprison the individual humans trying to slow down the destruction and continued plundering the planet for short-term wealth.  The XL pipeline and tar sands project in Canada  alone will release enough greenhouse gases to end humanity.  You could turn around and change your specie’s ways, but as long as you remain mired in stupid fights and wars and political arguments over things like gay marriage and religion, you won’t.  

And I get to repopulate the planet with some interesting new species that don’t create religions to pester me.

God, this is distressing news, but could we get back to the gay marriage thing…what do you mean when you say it is a stupid fight.  Conservatives say that it violates your laws and has outraged  you.  Are they right?

My dear boy, where did you or anyone else get the idea that I pay attention to each human being, or to all human beings or to any particular species on any particular planet?  I created the entire universe and keep it in existence, but its individual parts maintain - or don’t maintain - themselves.  I don’t care who mates with whom.  On the 2nd planet out from the 22 millionth star from the center of the galaxy next to your galaxy, a species has evolved that can only survive if the entire population mates constantly – everyone has sex with everyone, all the time.  That is all they do, plus eat.  The energy all that mating generates is absorbed by other species that are consumed by the mating species while they mate.  There are 61 different genders there and mathematically there is at least 297 thousand same-gender mating’s an hour on the planet.  And they do just fine. In fact, they are so busy having sex, they never fight or start wars or pollute or bother me with prayers.  They will be around a long time.

So you are not outraged.  The Supreme Court of the United States did not overrule you?

What is the Supreme Court of the United States – let me check the Holy Hard Drive.  Oh, there it is. What makes you think that this infinitesimally tiny group of people could overrule me.  What makes you think I can be overruled – there is nothing to overrule.  Reality is reality – if same genders want to mate, there is no overruling, they just do it.  I create reality, I don’t dictate what it should be after creation.  That is why I used the Big Bang for creation – I just set things in motion and get to kick back and watch. And I don’t get outraged and there is nothing to overrule. Funny thing about humans – they tend to think of every other being, including me, as a version of themselves.  As you can see, I am not a version of any species.  I am the First Cause of all species.

But conservatives say that they and you are outraged because the Court’s ruling threatens marriage and you have ordained marriage is between a man and a woman.

Where did I ordain that?

In the Bible?

The Bible – let me check the Holy Hard Drive.  Oh, the Christian book.  I love these holy books.  The Christians have several versions of theirs and it is full of contradictions, so it is so much fun to read.  The Muslims have one, the Jews have one.  The Hindus have one – I specially like that one, it is a long poem about Vishnu and very entertaining. Would make a good HBO series.  
The others not so much – kind of boring.  In any case, the Holy Hard Drive says that most of the versions of the Christian Bible portray marriage as between one man and many women.  I really don’t care, although I suppose supporting a lot of wives is extra work…although I created women as the smarter and more efficient and hard working gender, which seems to be the case. Maybe marriage should be between one woman and many men.  Or between many women or many men.  I should check and see if there is a planet where that exists. But in any case, I didn’t ordain anything.

But it says right there in 17 places in your book that gay people should not get married.

My book?  I haven’t written any books.  

So you are not outraged, your laws have not been violated and you will not punish humanity with hurricanes and floods and fires?

My son, I am Peace and Light – I don’t get outraged.  And I certainly don’t monitor the goings on of insignificant species on insignificant planets in backwater galaxies, especially a species that will self-destruct very soon in any case.  I don’t make laws – that is for species to do – some do, some don’t.  That is their affair.  As for punishment, I don’t do that either.  Individuals and species will do as they please.  In the case of humans, they are their own worse punishment – their corporations are killing and maiming and sickening individuals at a fast clip and will eradicate the species anyway, so even if I did care, which I don’t, there is no need to punish anyone.  They are punishing themselves.

Oh, and the hurricane and fire and flood thing – climate change is the cause of those.

Gotta go now.  What you call the Horsehead galaxy is spewing out millions of stars over the next 5 million years and I want to give it my full attention, so I can’t be late.  It is so beautiful to watch stars explode in nebulas and then regenerate. Now that’s entertainment!

One last question, God – where do we go when we die?

God…God…I guess God is gone to watch the stars be born.

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