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WYFP is our community's Saturday evening gathering to talk about our problems, empathize with one another, and share advice, pootie pictures, favorite adult beverages, and anything else that we think might help. Everyone and all sorts of troubles are welcome. May we find peace and healing here. Won't you please share the joy of WYFP by recommending?
After weighing a number of options for tonight's WYFP, I concluded that they were all depressing as hell. Just being a North Carolinian right now is the source of enough FPs to write a book. The FP and RL of DK are chock full of FPs, not to mention nuts.

In recognition of a week that pretty much blew chunks for Team Blue, I've decided to take it to the lighter side. This piece, the product of sleep-deprived silliness, was meant for a puppy training blog I started but never got around to publishing. I would have re-dubbed it "Who's Your Funny Puppy," but the little shit really did eat one of my NAOTS and grievously damaged my left Earth Shoe sandal in his first week of residence at Casa Steeler. Without further ado...

Before Puppy

11:00 pm. Bedtime. Sweet sleep.

5:00 am: Alarm wakes to morning news radio. Cuddle with spouse and cat, catch up on the world, doze back off. 

6:15 am: Second alarm, hit snooze.

6:25 am: Third alarm, hit snooze.

6:30 am: Spouse arrives with fresh coffee. Sit up in bed, give kitty noms, check email, enjoy coffee.

6:44 am: Get up, do laundry, straighten up kitchen.

7:03 am: Wash face, put hair up, find scrubs and earrings that match, kiss spouse goodbye.

7:23 am: Get in car, turn on traffic report, drive to work.

7:46 am: Beat 8:00 rush, score choice spot in employee parking deck.

7:49 am: Get to desk early, freshen coffee, retrieve cold pizza from fridge. Enjoy breakfast of champions while surfing net.

7:52 am: Boss comes in, needs help Right Now, no one else is here yet. Clock in, save the day, end up with plum assignment for the week.

7:53 am - 4:30 pm:  Work, with occasional breaks for coffee and Internet cat videos. 

5:00 pm: Arrive home, enjoy evening with spouse, friends, and kitty.

11:00 pm: Bedtime.

Does that seem boring to you? I never thought it was boring. It seemed kind of nice, and I liked it.

Enter Jaco.

Jaco, 3/30/13. Eight weeks old, 17 lbs.

After Puppy

11:00 pm: Bedtime. Sweet sleep.

3:21 am: Puppy making cute little noises.

3:23 am: Puppy whining and whistling.

3:24:10 am: Puppy whining, whistling, and wagging tail against crate with force sufficient for escape and propagation of nuclear cat food fart.

3:24:16 am: Aroma reaches human olfactories. Mommy's turn to get up.

3:24:18 am: Swan dive from bed to crate, scoop up puppy, don decent dress and shoes in minimal light, navigate stairs, grab leash from position near door and attach to puppy, set puppy down outside in grass. 

3:25:30 am: Accident averted. Sigh with relief and get bearings. Wait for puppy to poop.

3:26:30 am: Puppy not pooping. Start walking puppy around yard.

3:28 am: Puppy getting used to leash, exploring yard, lots of sniffing. No poop.

3:35 am: Eighth lap around yard, puppy doing great on leash. Gait a little squatty, still no poop. 

3:45 am: Twenty eleventh lap around the front, puppy appears to be gaining rather than losing momentum. 

3:47 am: Puppy finds and grabs Squeaky Squirrel. Wants to play Tug. 

3:48 am: Puppy Mommy worn out despite known impending BM. Scoop up puppy and return to crate. Puppy goes to sleep straightaway.

3:49 am: Crawl back into bed, lapse into light coma.

5:00 am: Alarm wakes to morning news radio. Flail instinctively to turn it the hell off before it wakes the puppy.

5:02 am: All quiet in puppyland. Doze back off.

5:05 am: Remember puppy still has to poop. Emerge from coma, wake puppy and take outside. Give up after puppy repeatedly takes a few steps, yawns cavernously, and goes back to sleep on lawn. Which is wet.

5:08 am: Carry dewy puppy back inside and place in crate. Pet darling little face as he makes cute sleepy noises.

5:09 am: Drop guard just long enough for puppy to bolt from crate and make beeline for walk-in shower. Watch helplessly as puppy takes bodacious dump on shower drain, mutter profanity under breath so as not to wake spouse. Not his turn to get up.

5:11 am: Return puppy to crate. Clean shower, get in, clean self. Add poopy puppy towels to already-overflowing hamper. Turn on coffee, go back to bed and snuggle with kitty, apologizing profusely.

6:15 am: Second alarm. Puppy awakens instantly, attacks squeaky toy.

6:17 am: Haul sleep-deprived ass out of bed, take puppy and squeaky toy outside. Do a dozen laps around yard waiting for puppy to pee.

6:33 am: Give up, take puppy in. Feed puppy and kitty breakfast, ensuring kitty and her food are situated higher than puppy can jump. Chug coffee.

6:38 am: Clean up kitchen after puppy jumped in and upended water bowl, then tried to swim in the puddle.

6:44 am: Clean up pee puppy made in laundry room during kitchen cleanup.

6:48 am: While in laundry room, realize day's work scrubs are still in the washer, damp. Hustle into dryer and turn on Very Very Dry. Refill coffee.

6:52 am: Return puppy to crate. Get back in shower. Attempt to feel energized.

7:09 am: Smelling fresher, still not awake. Throw damp hair in ponytail, don barely-dry scrubs and earrings, make sure socks match. 

7:28 am: Puppy sitting calm, alert, and cute as bug in crate. Let puppy out of crate for Mommy bye-byes. 

7:32 am: Tear self away from pweshus puppy kisses, realize freshly clean scrubs now infused with damp puppy hair and attending aroma.

7:34 am: Forage wrinkled-but-odorless backup scrubs from dryer and hastily change. Decide to ignore fact that earrings no longer match and face is free of makeup. Throw eye pencil and mascara in purse for future reference.

7:36 am: Finally ready to go, can't find left shoe.

7:39 am: Find left shoe in puppy's crate, mercifully free of visible damage. Also confiscate three mortally wounded fuzzy socks and catnip mouse saturated in puppy slobber.

7:42 am: Call boss, apologize in advance for grievous tardiness, scramble for car.

8:14 am:  Badge into parking garage, get stuck behind driver in Escalade trying to back into a compact space on level 2.   

8:18 am: Pull into last available spot on the 6th floor roof. Ignore bright sun and roll windows all the way up, just in case it rains. Bolt.

8:21 am: Clock in, collect dirty looks, accept crappiest assignment of the week.

8:26 am - 4:30 pm: Work, using every moment of downtime to sneak off and show co-workers puppy videos.

4:33 pm: Return to car on roof deck and perfect spring day: blue sky, bright sun, temp 82F. Time to go home and see the PUPPY!

4:34 pm: Get in car, turn on AC, back out. Catch wave of vile, unidentifiable organic odor. Stop to investigate.

4:36 pm: Discover malodorous motherlode of puppy puke on rear floormat, covered with something gray and mossy, slow roasted in hot sunny car. Remove with tissues and wadded up PetsMart receipts collected from under other seat. 

4:45 pm: Stuff alcohol swabs foraged from bottom of purse in AC vents and roll down windows. Head home to puppy.

5:20 pm - 6:30 pm: PUPPY TIME! Greet spouse, change clothes, play with puppy, feed puppy, take puppy out to poop. Praise puppy for making poopy AND pee pee, rub belly, get puppy kisses.

6:35 pm: Put yawning puppy in crate for nap.

6:40 pm: Haul overflowing hamper to laundry, start dinner. Try to ignore puppy whimpering.

6:50 pm: Puppy crying. Marvel at tiny lungs' ability to mimic air raid siren. Abandon chores, remove puppy from crate before concerned neighbors call authorities. Play with puppy.

7:45 pm: Puppy still not tired and running out of things to chew. Take puppy to PetsMart for more and bigger chew toys. 

7:55 - 8:40 pm: Enjoy Gaga-like fame walking around PetsMart with puppy in cart as fellow shoppers systematically dissolve into helpless woodgie-coos on sight. Attempt to convince admirers puppy's calm silence and sweet, innocent look are Not Typical.

8:55 pm: Become acutely aware of ravenous hunger. The heck with cooking. Pick up burritos on way home.

9:15 pm: Remove finally-exhausted puppy and chew toys from car, check interior thoroughly for bodily excretions. Place puppy in crate, collapse on couch, turn on TV, inhale burritos.

9:35 pm: Stagger to laundry room, unload wrinkled dryer contents, place clean wash in dryer, reload washer in order of stinkiness. 

9:45 pm: Stare longingly at guitar, play a few scales, cue up some REM. Finally get warmed up just as puppy barking begins to drown out amp. Set guitar back in stand, turn off amp, and apologize profusely to both.

9:59 pm: Remove Energizer puppy from crate, attach leash, take outside. Puppy immediately pisses like racehorse. Praise puppy and reward with treats stashed in pocket. Take a few laps around yard hoping for poopies.

10:10 pm: Puppy poops!

10:15 pm: Do happy dance, bask in promise of sweet sweet sleep. Cuddle and coo over puppy, carry back to crate, wish sweet sweet night nights. Inhale puppy breath.

10:25 pm: Make feeble attempt at evening chores, give in to exhaustion. Hit shower and pass Puppy Torch to spouse.

11:00 pm: Bedtime. Lapse into deep, dreamless sleep to soft puppy snores.

Jaco just shy of 5 months old, 50 lbs and growing, sleeping through the night like a champ!
The floor is yours. WYFP?

Originally posted to SteelerGrrl on Sat Jul 13, 2013 at 04:59 PM PDT.

Also republished by WYFP?.

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