Are you the right woman to terminate our fetus? The latest salvos of the Republican “War on Women” have bothered me to the point I want to give Planned Parenthood more than just my $10 monthly donation (hey, it adds up). I am in no position to have a child right now. But, as the assault on women’s reproductive rights continues, including useless yet mandatory measures such as those found in Ohio’s recent round of abortion restrictions, I find myself wanting nothing more than to locate that special girl to help me support a local abortion provider.
It is indisputable that the latest rounds of restrictions in states including North Carolina and Wisconsin, regulations advertised as protecting women’s health and well-being, are simple examples of “pro-life”-inspired politics having nothing to do with anybody’s safety.
I came of age as a fairly ambivalent pro-choice citizen on the battlefield of this great American wedge issue. So long as I didn’t think too much about it, I could basically understand that pro-fetus perspective, even if it doesn’t completely add up. But these contemporary anti-choice crusaders made a proactive supporter and veritable abortion fan out of me. I now earnestly seek the right freedom-loving uterus to plant my seed in before helping me make a political statement.
The widespread abortion-for-spite movement I aim to inspire might not be the most effective form of pro-choice hyperbole, but the ideological counterpoint of sorts sure is working for the other side (see: Kansas, where “Life begins at Fertilization” and a zygote is every bit the comprehensive human being as legendary “Saved By the Bell” sex symbol Dennis Haskins)
Other recent but disingenuous-to-the-point-of-obnoxious regulations in Texas, for instance, include new rules on abortion facilities that are still ostensibly intended to protect women’s health. Or so claims duplicitous lame-duck Governor Rick Perry. Of course back in objective reality any observer, of any political persuasion, knows they are meant simply to shut down otherwise-legal abortion clinics.
Hey, I’m a good guy. I’ve got a graduate degree, a solid job, and an apartment in a cool DC neighborhood; I hit the superficial yuppie trifecta, right? Just the sort of gentleman whose abortion a good liberal lady should desire. We’ll even send a sonogram to the Pope. Or at least Congressman-turned-D.C. lobbyist Bart Stupak (you remember the Stupak Amendment).
It’s a free country, and if you are that committed to ending (safe, legal) abortion, take advantage of your rights. Write your congressman a letter and tell him it is an option women don’t deserve. Go be that odious protester with a picture of an aborted fetus. The Supreme Court decides what the Constitution means, and presidents get to stock that bench. So vote. But don’t lie about it like the current crop of anti-abortion politicians.
Like it or not, abortion is legal. Legislators in Oklahoma went so far as to pass laws attacking, not even abortion but emergency contraception, so they are only and actually encouraging more abortions. It is nothing short of un-American to make that end run around the rule of law.
And it all leaves me angrily contemplating a Match.com online dating profile.
About him and who he’s looking for:
I am a 34-year old man looking for a fertile pro-choice woman willing to put her liberal uterus where her mouth is and have my abortion. Ideally the exotic, bosomy type, but so long as you’ll keep me sexually active yet childless, I’m otherwise flexible.