The diary consisting of sexual characters in multimedia took this off, as well as my comment on a popular article. I went away to think about what I had done, why I had done it.
Have I got too much confidence behind a computer screen? Am I being ignorant without realising I am being ignorant? I try to learn things and I pick up critique from people, but in the process I get the odd itch in the back of my neck.
In some ways I have two personalities, which more often than not contradict each other. One of those personalities consist of being very self-defensive, ignorant and selfish. The other involves anger, confidence (sometimes over-confidence) and very energetic. These mood swings happen a lot, and it is rare I ever get to calm down or even be neutral on that regard.
Hypomania was something someone brought up in one of my early articles regarding depression, and how it severely affects my reputation and communication with people.
I was brought up in the town of Yate, just on the outskirts of Bristol and only have been brought up by my mother. I infrequently see my father, and even more infrequent these days. My father wants to leave the country for India, and I am stuck over in the UK with my mother and the grandparents that are just too generous.
Although my father has said to me time and time again that I have been loved and cared for by my mother and relatives, I still feel lonely even now. Even when I am talking to others in conversation, in person, or in Skype, that hidden feeling of loneliness just keeps on creeping in to make me feel unwanted and careless.
I feel it is because of that deep feeling that whenever something bad happens, I feel the need to lash out and try and protect people from it, even if I cannot do so physically. And more often than not, people criticise my actions.
When talking about sex, I automatically try to defend myself and I try to defend also the fact that "love is needed" in sex, when some comments from people say to me that you don't need to love to have sex - which is rather obvious when I think about it.
I have a lot to learn and I have yet to find someone that will actually care for me, instead of being bombarded with criticisms from the public for my ignorance, or just feeling lonely all the time because I don't have the guts to get involved in such sensitive subjects.
I honestly hardly remember much about my sex education, but now I know who I truly am. After exposing myself in this way I have uncovered the truth about myself, and the reflection is grim to say the least.
I will eventually go to Anger Management therapy later this month, I am unsure if this is the right direction for me to sort out my often mood swings, which either makes me sad or angry. I am very rarely happy, and when I am it is often because I stay away from the truth, I seal myself behind bedroom doors and never leave to witness the happenings in this world.
My father may think I was a lucky person for getting generosity from my mother and my grandparents, but it more often than not reflects back to me what kind of childhood I had. This generosity has reflected to me as being stupid, having low self-esteem and always paranoid of the big things. On the other hand, when I am talking on the subject of computers, technology and business I always feel confident, proud and have an admiration in life, which is to establish a video games business.
My father has not really been the father I wanted, and it is as a consequence of his absence in my life that has made me feel emotionally sensitive to almost everything I touch. Not only that but my diet changed a lot... 10 years of caffeine consumption and still at it. I have no control over my addiction and I just can't get off it :'(
I honestly do not know what to do with my life... I studied hard, I'm an ambitious business enthusiast, yet have ignorance and arrogance that makes me despise myself for who I am, I am emotionally sensitive and have a fear of being left out, which I often get from being lonely and having the frequent feeling of "this is a waste of time" when working on projects I hold close to me. I attempt to escape my anger but it only makes it worse.
What should I be? Angry? Happy? Sad? Lonely? No matter the case it always ends up in misery. One person said to me: "The more you think about the negatives the worse it will get for you and is why depression gets worse. To solve depression, think of the positives."
I tried, and failed, as usual. Of course, there's no reason not to keep trying, right?
The moral of the story? I have yet so much to learn, and I am still young at the age of 20. I think I need to rest more, drink less caffeine and be a bit more optimistic. Don't talk about subjects I don't have knowledge in, stop being ignorant, try to be more appropriate and act in a neutral fashion. That I hope will lead me right.