Brothers and Sisters, what I am about to share may be triggering for some. This is about forgiveness—specifically forgiveness of my date rape many years ago. Generally about forgiveness, period.
Welcome to Brothers and Sisters, the weekly meetup for prayer* and community at Daily Kos. We put an asterisk on pray* to acknowledge that not everyone uses conventional religious language, but may want to share joys and concerns, or simply take solace in a meditative atmosphere. Anyone who comes in the spirit of mutual respect, warmth and healing is welcome.
I am a Christian believer. Forgiveness is a big deal in Christianity, but I also feel forgiveness is a big deal for anyone. I am generally a forgiving sort of gal. I rarely hold onto things. It doesn’t mean that I am a doormat. It means that I know there are things that need to be forgiven for me to move on in my life and for me to be at peace.
There was something, though, that happened years ago that I have only recently forgiven and am working on making peace with. The aforementioned date rape. I will not be super-detailed, but I will describe and set the scene a bit under the orange floweret.
I am now 51. Many moons ago, when I was 17, I dated the all-star athlete. I was short, skinny, blonde, blue-eyed, and—yes—I was very pretty. All-star was tall, blonde, blue-eyed, and very handsome. We looked like a perfect pair. We dated several times—movies, pizza, nights with friends, dances. I liked him a lot. On the way home one evening, he pulled the car into a back parking lot and told me that he wanted more. I told him “no”. He didn’t like the answer, so he took what he wanted. I didn’t fight him. I didn’t tell anyone. I pretended to still like him. I hated him. No one, including him, knew how much I hated him and what he did.
I was never so happy to go to college in my life. I moved up to Penn State and found a new life. I met a wonderful guy who was so respectful of me that he asked permission to hold my hand! (Yes, I am married to that man.) I buried my hate and hurt for years and years.
Two things happened to unbury things. The first was the abuse at Penn State. How could the place that had been a salvation to me have been a place that was a nightmare for all those boys?
The second is the growth of my daughter. She is 16. She is a brown-haired, brown-eyed beauty. She has a heart of gold. While she has not, yet, dated; she has many friends who have. She told me of her girlfriend that had sex with a young man, even though her friend did not want it. And I began to get tears in my eyes. Daughter asked, and I told her what happened to me. I had never told anyone until then. This is the second retelling.
I told her that if she ever was forced to do what she did not want to do, she should tell me. I will believe her. I will be there for her. I told her that if anyone ever forced her to have sex or hurt her in any other way that she should not hold on to that person. It doesn’t get better, no matter what they promise.
I told her that I will always love her, no matter what.
She asked, “How did you forgive him?” And I realized that, after all this time, I had not forgiven him. I had held onto the anger and hurt and hatefulness for all these years. I realized that many of the negative things I have felt about my looks and my fears about how others feel about me started soon after the rape. I realized that to heal, I needed to let it all go.
I’m still in process of forgiving him for what he took from me that night, but I have begun to move on. I am beginning to see me in the mirror in a different light. I am less self-conscious of what others may think. It is not an overnight thing, but I am working on it. I find I have more energy to work and to live.
And, so, I ask all of you out there to think of forgiveness tonight. I do not ask any of you to forgive, as my path is not yours. But I am asking that we think of forgiveness and meditate upon how forgiveness can release us from bonds that have held us.
Please feel free to leave any concerns you have that you would like for this community to offer *prayer and thoughts. Feel free to share the joys of the day or the needs you have. We are here tonight to offer support and love.
Peace.