When last I wrote a diary in this series, I was looking forward to a summer rather focused on research and writing. Oh well. Those carefully-laid plans simply didn’t pan out this summer.
I hadn’t said anything about it yet in early May except to a very few friends in my town who were being asked to drive me to and from the doctor, but my doctor had identified a lump in my throat he was concerned about and he wanted me to get an ultrasound to see if anything was really “off” about it. It turned out that all the way along, I beat the odds, and not only was it not just a lump, but it was thyroid cancer that necessitated surgical removal of the complete organ, and just this past week I had a radiation treatment to completely destroy the last little bit of thyroid tissue left after surgery. The prognosis in the long term is pretty good, but I am still recuperating and will be until well into the fall semester. And that is the topic of this diary.
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What should I tell my students? By telling any of them, I realize I am telling all of them, because I know how gossip and information-sharing works.
I know it isn’t really necessary to be clear about what is wrong with me, but there are clearly things wrong with me. And what do I say to students who work in my office about this? What do I say to my grader/TA in the upper-level class about it? What do I say to the six students I am co-supervising in their senior theses about this?
Why do I think anything needs to be addressed? I am told that the scar (still healing) across my neck, about 3 inches long as a horizontal cut, and a still rather reddened bump beneath it where a drain was installed for about half a week, are both hardly noticeable, even though they are all I see when I look in a mirror. I can cover them with scarves for a while (I do have a tendency to wear scarves normally -- I teach Art History after all! -- so that won't look odd), so maybe no one will notice until we get into the higher-necked clothing of the autumn. My face right now looks oddly puffy, but that is the radioactive irritation around the thyroid and salivary glands and should go down in a while, they assure me.
More pressing is the fact that since the surgery I still am whispering and have only a very little bit of resonance in my vocal cords. The epiglottis is still swollen so doesn't close properly and I still am often getting water or other liquids happily trickling down the wrong "pipes" in the throat so end up coughing and sputtering. These two things together are probably the most immediately noticeable aspects for anyone not standing right in front of me and staring at my throat. I have asked for and will almost certainly receive a microphone setup to help me in my 45-50 person classes in the fall. I have been teaching for 22 years here (except for sabbatical, etc.) and have never needed a microphone. So that is going to look odd, as is the fact that the voice is not going to come back quickly. Okay, yeah, it doesn't immediately have to be explained, and the majority (other than perhaps 20%) of the students won't have had me before so they won't really know how very out of character this year is starting out for me.
The more problematic classes are the upper level specialized class of 26+ students, half of whom have had me before, in multiple classes, and will know how weird this whole thing is. And the six students in the two-semester senior thesis class whom I have had in even more, including small seminars, and who have spent countless hours in my office in meetings one-on-one about classwork, advising, etc. I know I can get by saying "I was sick this summer but I am getting better" and not going on in conversation. And I think I will try that. But it is going to be hard, as they are going to ask more. And they are actually going to care more than that. None of them are friends on Facebook (I do not friend current students) but some of them are friends with former students who are on Facebook and have seen the more recent updates in which I actually have talked about the specifics a bit more. I may look at this as an experiment in social networking and see who is "good" at it and who is discrete and who is just incredibly nosey.
I will start in the faculty meeting of my department by updating people on my health and telling them that I would rather not have them talking with students about my health, but to send students with questions directly to me. I don't know if that is necessary, but I think being clear about it will help when there are questions from nosey students who want to know but don't necessarily want to brave coming to me and asking directly.
The nice thing about cancer (if such a thing can be said) is that it is not communicable, and (at least once the radiation has gone down!) it is safe to be around me. Although my stamina will be problematic until they get the dosage of thyroid hormone replacement stabilized and figured out I will not be prevented from doing the majority of things I need to do (of course, I have asked to not be assigned to university-level committees by my chair, and am happy to have a real reason to request this, other than "I don' wanna."). I may conduct my office hours virtually for several weeks at the beginning of the semester, as going home and taking naps sounds delicious when I can hardly stand for the hour (let alone two) I will have to manage for my classes this fall. But students often prefer emailing me anyway, and I am fine with that.
Have you faced anything like this, either yourself, or with having a colleague who has faced a disease like this? What have your choices been? How have you shared your health issues with colleagues and students? Are things different with graduate students and upper-level undergrads? I would love advice and shared insights. Thanks very much.
And welcome back to academia, my friends! May we all have boffo years!