Yes, this is your opportunity of a lifetime!!!! The Grand Old Party has decided to pare down its inventory of voter tools, and you -- yes, YOU!!!! -- can be the lucky beneficiary of our never-to-be-repeated sale!!!
Here's a partial list of the inventory we've decided we no longer need:
Blue State Republican Parties:
What do we need these for, except for raising money? Currently available: the Maine Republican Party (MEGOP) and the California Republican Party. Either or both could be the start of your own splinter party!!! These are handyman's specials; with a little elbow grease and TLC, you could have a new party that would be the envy of the Koch brothers!!!
The actual list of available moderates is secret, but we can tell you it's getting smaller all the time. If you want one, put in your offer ASAP; at the current prices, they'll be gone soon. Although their influence is on the wane, who knows what the future brings? Buy now, before your choice starts giving interviews on NPR!!!
Set of Gerrymandering Tools:
We thought we knew how to use these. In fact, we thought we'd written the book on how to use them. It turns out that overuse of the tools causes a rebound effect; we've ended up with PVIs through the roof, which has encouraged exactly the wrong kind of candidate. Our loss is your gain!!! The tools are a bit rusty, but you'll have three whole electoral cycles to get them in tip-top shape.
Rolls and Rolls of Astroturf:
What can we say? We cornered the market on this stuff. It's all in great condition; all it needs is a new home. Have a pet message that just won't go viral? We have the solution for you!!! You'll want professional installation of course, so a free quote from our quality contractors at Freedom Works comes with every purchase.
We're still working on exactly what will be offered here, but potentially up for sale are such desirable groups as: Catholics; Hispanics; fiscal Conservatives; and African-Americans. In some groups, we're not sure exactly what we have -- our inventory management, we admit, has not kept up with the changes in our operations -- but we are certain you'll be happy with your purchase. For the moment, groups such as the Tea Party and evangelical Christians are not available, but keep watching our website, gopmustgo.com, for late-breaking offers.
For the right price, your lobbying firm can have its pick of top-shelf insider talent!!! We have former leaders galore, and even -- keep it our own little secret -- some choice current ones!!! Be prepared with your Mont Blanc pen and your Cayman Islands checkbook. Some of the best will be offered in our December 2014 auction, of course, so make sure you stay abreast of the fast-moving prices with our publication, Lost Leaders ($100000 annually; call 1-866-GOPTOGO for wire instructions).
Pair up your pick of our pollsters with your purchase of Astroturf, and you'll have a winning combination; if not for 2014 or 2016, by 2020 for sure!!! See our publication, Unskewed ($250000 annually; call for wire instructions), for full details.
We kid; he's not for sale. Well, not yet.
ACT NOW, OR BECOME A DEMOCRAT!!!!