A milestone or a disaster? Frankly, I’m worried. There could be any number of consequences. After at least three minutes of pondering (during TV commercials, which I put on mute), I came up with the following scenarios. WARNING! Not for the faint of heart! All aboard my train of thought below the orange turtle, IF YOU DARE!
User number one million? As Churchill sort of said, is it the end of the beginning? Or the beginning of the end? Here are some things that might possibly happen:
Everybody‘s Computer Will Crash
Remember the Y2K crisis? If you thought that was bad, just imagine what will happen when millions of computers crash because of one extra digit on Daily Kos. I’m stocking up on food (2 cans of chili and some Ramen noodles, because that’s all I can afford right now) and ammunition (ten packs of 200 rubber bands for my semi-automatic rubber band gun). If there’s widespread panic and people try to steal my chili and ramen, they’ll be met with a barrage of rubber bands. It won’t be a pleasant sight.
Plus, I'll use some of the rubber bands to secure the gun to my hand. I pity the fool who tries to pry it from my cold, dead hand.
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the Department of Homeland Security has been ordering large quantities of rubber bands. Why do they need all that ammunition? Do they know something or is it just a coincidence? I'm just asking.
The World Might End (Mayan Version)
There’s an old Mayan calendar that prophesies very clearly that when the Number of the Orange-Hued Democrats reaches a million bloggers, the calendar will suddenly end. Or something like that. Maybe it was the Aztecs. I won’t provide a link because you can google it. I’m pretty sure the Druids said something like this, too. And they didn't even have bloggers back then. Peat bogs, yes. Blogs, no.
The World Might End (Christian Version)
I’ve been staying up late and not sleeping (because who can sleep when the world might be ending?). And it suddenly came to me. The number of the antichrist isn’t 666, it’s one million. And the twin towers were the two-headed beast. And the four horsemen of the apocalypse are Markos, Meteor Blades, Bill in Portland Maine, and Edscan (who was banned because he knew too much -- it‘s quite obvious).
And that prophesy about the flood? It’s not a literal flood. It’s a flood of spam. On DKos. Have you noticed the spam flood? That proves I'm right.
If you're skeptical, try going 72 hours without sleep. It will eventually make sense.
If you rearrange the letters of “Daily Kos” and then add some letters and subtract some, in a scientific process that’s too complicated to explain right now (you have to know Ancient Greek), you get the word “dialysis.” OK, so what? What gets dialysis? Kidneys! Do you understand what I'm saying now?
New Jersey is shaped like a gerrymandered kidney. And who is Governor of that kidney-shaped state? Chris Christie! Or maybe I should say Chris “Antichrist” Christie, the so-called “savior“ of the Republican Party. Do I need to spell it out for you letter by letter? If you don’t follow my argument by now, you need to go back to school and learn logic. And maybe open up your closed mind to the possibility that you might be wrong.
This Is Not A Crazy Conspiracy Theory
I’m just asking questions.
We need to start deleting people’s fucking accounts NOW, Kos! Before we get to a million.
Thank you for listening to me. I’m declaring this a debate-free zone, where only people who agree with me should post replies. Please respect my wishes.
P.S. I included a "snark" tag, in case you didn't figure it out, so this is humorlessness-free zone, too.