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"Why am I like this?" I asked my counselor. She didn't know, so she sent me to a psychologist. The psychologist was nice, but she didn't know either, so she sent me to another psychologist.

That psychologist scheduled me for a Rorschach test. Yes, they still do them. It seemed retro, like I was Betty in Mad Men. Except with confidentiality.

[more beneath the orange cat, or whatever you see in that squiggle]

Doctor Wells' door was closed when I got to my appointment, so I sat alone in the waiting room. The Pandora, which was programmed, no doubt, to set a soothing tone and a sound screen had wandered off into darker realms.

"Ssspawn of Sssatan!!!" screamed a metal rocker. Fortunately I don't have religious issues.

Dr. Wells didn't have a couch, just chairs. No picture of Freud or anything. In fact, she had some nice wall hangings. And when she started the test she took out a bunch of colored markers to take notes. If I was a PhD, I'd want to be the kind that uses colored markers at work.

She took out some squares of heavy cardboard with inkblots on one side and set one down.

"That's easy", I said. "It's fast-food workers striking for a living wage." And that spot in the corner looks like a cat.

She pulled out another one. "That's a bloated capitalist oppressing a hungry child, who is sharing her meager lunch with a starving stray, with ear mites."

Number 3, The wildcat symbol of the International Workers of the World, and some cute kittens.

Number 4, A Maine Coon Cat attacking a police dog while a sign-waving crowd protests the corrupt banksters.

Number 5. I blushed. "Well, that looks like--you know." I couldn't say it out loud so I had to write it down. "Or else it could be a torn open bag of cat food."

Number 6, "Kind of just random, like cat vomit on your floor when you wake up. This corner sort of looks like the Black Flag of anarchy."

Number 7, A tent city full of Occupiers who are building a cat shelter.

Number 8, A cat coughing up hairballs in front of a photo of Ayn Rand.

There were more inkblot pictures of cats and economic injustice. I don't know why they didn't vary it a little, but I'll ask my counselor when I get the results.

I'm kind of worried about my answer to Number 5. I hope it doesn't turn out I'm some kind of sex fiend.

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