From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Thursday + Haiku = Thaisdurkay!
September arrivesCheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
We must bomb a dictator
Ruh roh…déjà vu
Issa sits alone
No headlines for him this week
Memo to Putin:
Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay! Gay!
We swish to Sochi
"W" for guv?
In Texas? Again? Hell no.
Ohhhhh…Wendy? Hell yeah.
Mom sips a cocktail
Bless this bright and happy day!
School bus pulls away
Trump U gets busted
I can't complete this haiku
I'm laughing too hard
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 5, 2013
Note: NFL season starts today as the Ravens play the Broncos. I believe that's your cue to start tap dancing with sparklers. Or something.
Days 'til the Obamacare exchanges go up: 26
Days 'til Mayberry Days in Mt. Airy, North Carolina: 21
Rank of personal care aides, home health aides and biomedical engineers among the fastest-growing job fields today: #1, #2, #3
(Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics)
Percent of the 158,000 miles of National Park trails that currently meet Forest Service standards: 25%
(Source: The New York Times)
Portion of U.S. military aircraft that are drones: 1-in-3
Number of licensed tattooers in Maine: 196
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
At the 1972 Republican convention, there was an Ethnic Night party at which I saw John Volpe, the Italian-American secretary of transportation, doing the frug while a Chinese girl sang "Never on Sunday" in Yiddish. Is this a great country or what? Except the Republicans have proved yet again the tragic truth that White People Can't Clap On Beat. Or is it just Republicans?-
By the way, one quarter of the Republican delegates are millionaires, and fewer than 10 percent of them make less than $50,000 a year.
Puppy Pic of the Day: On a second date you get to do this. But no tongue 'til day 3.
CHEERS to gettin' your ABBA on. President Obama strapped on Jetpack One yesterday and blasted off for Sweden:
rendition of "Mama Mia."
In Stockholm, President Obama will highlight the close friendship and partnership we share with Sweden and our leadership together on issues such as trade and investment, advancing clean technologies and environmental sustainability, and advancing opportunity and dignity for people around the world. At his 7th G-20, President Obama will consult with Leaders of the world’s largest economies on their shared interest in growth, job creation and financial stability.The G-20 is in St. Petersburg. As in, Russia. With Assad-loving, gay-hating, Obama-despising Vladimir Putin hosting. Two words: taste tester.
CHEERS to the integrity of the Florida voter. Republicans can shout "VOTER FRAUD!" all they want in the Sunshine State. But they'll just keep running into that pesky brick wall called reality:
are squeaky clean.
So nine months after the  ballots have been counted, where exactly are the culprits of voter registration fraud? Keep looking because the Florida Department of Law Enforcement hasn’t found them yet. […]One guy, two bogus registrations, and a lot of pearl-clutching. Or as NBC calls it: excellent idea for a sitcom!
In a probe of the Florida New Majority Education Fund, which aims to increase voter registration among under-represented groups, the FDLE concluded it could make no arrests. In a second probe, involving Strategic Allied Consulting, a vendor for the Republican Party of Florida, an arrest was made of a man who stole the identity of a former girlfriend’s ex-husband. He admitted to fraudulently filling out two voter registration forms. And that was it.
CHEERS to Year 5774. "Shana Tova!!!!!" (I hope to G-d I didn't just swear or insult your mother.) Rosh Hashanah began yesterday at sundown, so let me be the sadly-not-first to say, Sweet Jewish New Year! Even though the C&J household is just run-'o-the-mill Episcopalian/Catholic train wreck, we still took a moment to blow a ram's horn outside our neighbor's bedroom window at 3am. We figured, why break with our normal routine just because it's Rosh Hashanah?
It was held because the colonists were very upset about the Intolerable Acts and the taxes. The Intolerable Acts were punishments that King George III put on the colonies. He put them on so the colonists would feel sorry about dumping tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party.Of course, the opposite happened. We got royally pissed, revolted, formed out own country, and then thrived and prospered until we started coming apart at the seams thanks to the efforts of the...Tea Party. George, you sneaky bastard.
JEERS to America the Wide-Eyed. Pretty shocking statistic: every night nine million Americans gobble sleeping pills to help them feel drowsy enough to fall asleep. And for hardcore insomniacs, doctors recommend watching old Romney campaign videos. (Side effects may include anxiety, confusion, nausea, vomiting, retroactive retirement, craving for cheesy grits, an unhealthy fixation on the height of trees, greed, cluelessness, polysyllabic tendencies, and pathological lying. But, man, will you sleep.)
CHEERS to winning a war on terrorism. On September 5, 1996, Muslim extremist Ramzi Yousef and two other thugs who masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing (and planned to blow up a bunch of U.S. airliners), were sent to tiny, windowless cells for the rest of eternity. But...but...how could that be? I mean, using law-enforcement to crack the case and arrest the evildoers instead of using bunker busters and declaring World War III and opening a gulag at Gitmo for enemy combatants? I gotta lie down...this is blowing my tiny chickenhawk mind.
Five years ago in C&J: September 5, 2008
CHEERS to dissension in the ranks. Ron Paul got more Republican supporters than Giuliani, Thompson, Huckabee, Brownback, Romney and David Archuleta combined. But whereas Hillary and Obama reunited in Colorado and emerged stronger, McCain and Paul have been grating on each other's nerves in Minnesota and will likely leave the place even more eager to short-sheet each other's beds. Meanwhile, stalwart Republican surrogates Mike Murphy and Peggy Noonan got caught bellyaching about the Palin nomination over a live microphone (and note how Chuck Todd literally parrots GOP strategist Murphy's question, as if he, too, is disappointed):
with that potty mouth, Peggy?
Mike Murphy: They're all bummed out. I mean, is she really the most qualified woman they could have turned to?Paging Dr. Phil...
Chuck Todd: Yeah, I mean is she really the most qualified woman they could have turned to?
Peggy Noonan: The most qualified? No. I think they went for this, excuse me, political bullshit about narratives and (inaudible) the picture.
And just one more…
CHEERS to the best one-man duo in stand-up. Bob Newhart delivers humor the way I like it: dry as a bone. The quiet, ever-put-upon comedian, who built his career on classic phone calls between himself and himself and then spun himself into sitcom gold, turns 84 today. Later this month the Television Academy (or whatever it's called) has a chance to rectify a huge injustice by finally awarding the six-time nominee his first Emmy---for guest-starring in The Big Bang Theory. In the meantime, here's his classic tobacco sketch:
Give him his Emmy, you bastids. Please and thank you.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:-
Less than three months after filing for divorce from his wife of 14 years, Wendi Deng, Rupert Murdoch has listed the family's 184-foot sailing yacht called Bill in Portland Maine. The asking price: $29.7 million.