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With the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur fast approaching, I've done my best to offer personal apologies to those I have treated badly in the past year, as I'm told God expects me to do.

But wait, I hear some saying, you're not really a man of faith. While this is true – I'm agnostic – I do like to cover my bases. Besides, it's one Judaism's most decent theological demands.

However, I continue to be a bit annoyed that God has yet to do similarly. You know, apologize for all the bad shit which has happened in His name during the past year and beyond.

And so, I figured: why continue waiting? Be proactive. Take some initiative. Lead by example.

So, without further adieu, I present God's Yom Kippur apology (as I imagine it):

  • I apologize for homophobia. In fact, let me go ahead and apologize for the institution of marriage in general. While I didn't explicitly command men and women to marry, I suppose I'm partially to blame for 'holy matrimony.'
  • In fact, let me go ahead and apologize for most of the Book of Leviticus. It really was a piece written for a particular time, and I didn't expect its shelf life to be so long.
  • Oh, and I apologize for slavery. Shouldn't have implied that's legal. Oops.
  • I apologize for sexism. Adam was created first not because he was superior, but because he was the prototype. After which I recognized the design flaws.
  • I apologize for those wars waged in my name. I'm looking at you, George W. Bush.
  • I apologize for Eric Cantor. Because someone must.
  • Also Anthony Weiner. I tried to judge him, but he's not a good listener.
  • And I apologize for Israel's settlement enterprise and occupation. I love 'My' people, but life and treating others well is more important than land. (Shout out to the Talmudic Rabbis for recognizing that one.)
I know there's plenty more for which God would apologize, but this is a good start, don't you think?

Now, my hope is that this public apology by God will function much like the Nobel Peace Prize Committee's decision in 2009 to select President Obama.

A move intended to influence future behavior. To inspire greater compassion. To ensure that the promises of yesteryear become the realities of today.

One can only hope.

Author's Note: in all seriousness, to my Jewish friends, have an easy fast. To everyone, thank you for being such a tremendous community. If I've wronged you this year, well, I was an asshole. Forgive me?
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