As any law abiding Real-American should know making coffee should involve a camp fire, cattle, a plate of beans and some coffee grounds boiled in a pot, anything else just smacks of liberalism.
With such propositions as Pumpkin Spice Latte Starbucks has not only declared war on the sacred day of Halloween; but has intentionally gone out of it's way to attract terrorists and commies. Be on the look out for those who talk of "Melange" they could be either desert dwellers or even worse, French. The presence of a weapon will cause them to immediately surrender and run away.
Decaffeinated coffee is the well known refuge of the climate change terrorists dedicated to destroying Americans god given rights to drive inefficient vehicles. These godless heathens can turn verbally mocking when confronted with bible based science, just showing them your weapon should silence their satanic proclamations.
Their policy of serving anyone who comes through their doors can expose real Americans to foreigners, especially those of the Kenyan hoody wearing skittle eating persuasion. How can one stand your ground when not heavily armed? The atheist heathens running Starbucks are putting real Americans in danger, surely this runs contrary to their health and safety policy?
If you must buy coffee at Starbucks, and heaven knows what it is doing to your precious bodily fluids we at the Nutty Rifle Agency suggest the following procedure.
Never go alone, take your militia with you.
Set up barricades around the entrance to the shop and be prepared to use heavy covering fire if any suspicious activity is noted.
Goddamned peacenik terrorists are ruining America, only by demonstrating we are not only armed but prepared to use them can we ensure that our country is safe for the children.
We still insist the safest way to drink coffee is in alone in your own bunker and be prepared for when they come to take your guns away. Avoid human contact at all costs since the goddamned heathens are everywhere, tin foil, oh my god, I'm out of tinfoil!