For all that I try to Just Not Deal With religion these days, doing my best to live and let live as long as they're not trying to deny science or legislate against me or my friends' existence... sometimes I just gotta smack my head with the heel of my palm.
Angels. They are much more than a Christian bedtime story. They are much more than the sweet flutterings in the ears of believers. Angels are quite literally the factory workers of faith. They are tireless and everywhere. They accomplish innumerable feats, from minor pangs of guilt to the throbbing passions of love. The angels are there to guide us, to inspire us and, ultimately, to remind us of our obligation to Jesus. The fly through the air at His beckoning. They are gentle and ever willing. We would be far less human and humane were it not for the angels. And that is exactly why atheists fear the power of angels.
Good thing we're apparently conducting chemical warfare against them.
Follow me beyond the Great Orange Beignet.
USAHITMAN appears to be a conspiracy web site unlike any I've seen: It believes all the conspiracies, left, right, center, whatever. They have enough "real" news to obscure the good stuff. The left sidebar list is glorious, covering everything from missing gold bars to why you can't trust the USDA Organic label, from dead deer in Montana to the Pentagon being too broke to buy a new fax machine. It has an entire Conspiracy section, with subheadings including Big Brother, 911 Conspiracy, and UFOs & ETs.
ETA: While I couldn't find evidence that USAHITMAN is a satirical site, lgerard linked up in comments to other articles written by the author, pen name Stephenson Billings, who's contributed a lot to Christwire, which is definitely a satirical site.
ETA 2: The original article has been taken down, and replaced with a blurb about Stephenson Billings being a copyright troll. However, the original article is on Google Cache.
Anyway. Someone on Facebook linked up to this beautiful hunk of madness: Are Militant Atheists Using Chemtrails To Poison Angels?
(I have to be careful here -- it would be easy to just quote the whole article.)
The article starts out with a cursory history of DDT and Agent Orange, and how bad they are for people. It also talks about crop dusting and chemtrails. (Chemtrails are a popular conspiracy theory, the gist of which is, those white plumes of condensation you see behind planes aren't condensation, they're Evil Chemical or Biological Weapons Being Used On Us Every Day.)
So far, so goofy. It goes on like this for awhile. But then it smacks into the brick wall and ends up in Toon Town:
Yet another theory that has been gaining traction and deserves serious consideration is that America’s massive science-industrial complex is attempting a most dangerous experiment. Since Lyndon Johnson’s presidency, we have seen a grave movement towards science-based strategic thinking in all forms of national policy. Whole swathes of government have been taken over by academic PhDs with an intense obsession with scientism. From the National Science Board to the Department of Education, from NASA to the National Institute of Standards, a powerful cadre of elite intellectuals is seizing control. A common thread amongst these activist bureaucrats is a love of science over God.
Yeah, why the heck would a bunch of scientific agencies want to base their work on science? And what is their terrible, ulterior motive?
So what is at the heart of this secret society of globalist atheism? One of their most significant concerns is the power of Faith. They despise the Glory of Jesus and the hope that He brings to countless Americans. The atheists are so insanely dedicated to their obscene cult they will try just about anything to destroy every remnant of Christian Love on this earth. As this sickening obsession was wed to advances in aerial spraying technology in the last century, one can surmise the evil compound that resulted. In this formula, it seems quite logical that the atheist’s next step would be to attempt the widespread murder of Jesus’s very Heavenly Agents of Love.
Cue the opening graph, about angels being real. And under chemical attack by the atheists.
Seriously.
Atheists shake with contempt at the thought of love and decency. Their whole lives are dedicated to nothingness, to the gaping void of pain that nihilism defines. Indeed, atheists love pain. They love pain in their sexual rituals, in their drug addictions and in their secret globalist power schemes. Why do we have war? It’s the atheists who spread contempt of God and invite such reckless notions of communism and Islam.
As secret atheist scientists in government pursue their goals of undermining Jesus in America, it only stands to reason that they would take their battle to the skies. The aerial dogfight is likely a vicious one. Who knows what advances they have made since the days of DDT and Agent Orange. Yet fight on they do, every single day! Our heavens are coated in a thick aerosol haze of spiritual hate and this nation’s faith is sinking.
The basic reason I linked to this was to give everyone a good laugh. This is as demented a "theory" as I have ever seen, and I've seen some lulus.
But it also serves as an alert to an interesting phenomenon (dee deeee dee dee-deet): As mentioned above, USAHITMAN dot com seems to have conspiracy theories from both sides of the Wacky Zone... leavened with a healthy bunch of links to "real news".
I don't think it's that hard a stretch to assume they do so to give themselves credibility to semi-serious yet inexperienced web users, searching for information that isn't biased.
It's insanely biased, of course, in every sense of the word... but, if it's got all this legit stuff there, how do you know that? (Yes, yes, I know: check Snopes. But a lot of people don't do that, or know to do that.)
So, here we sit, in our blissful semi-atheist utopia of orange (just like the Agent!), killing off the angels with sky-borne warfare. We're so freakin' evil. Or maybe the writer of the article is off his meds. Or has been overcome by a chemtrail.