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Luckily--or unluckily if you ask my wife--my medication has had no sexual side effects. It has however slowed down my creative process. Being unable to write feels a lot like being backed up sexually, which is incredibly frustrating because--maybe unless you ask my regular readers--there is no writing equivalent to masturbation.

A common reason for going off of medication is the belief that you are 'cured' or somehow in a place to handle things yourself. This is not true of course; your wiring is faulty and you need the drugs. Other side effects can also cause a person to go off their meds.

My meds seem to be working, more or less. There was a rough patch earlier in the month, but I weathered that. It was frustrating when it happened because I had hoped that the meds would make me permanently normal, so when I took a dip it was disheartening, but it wasn't too bad of a dip.

I've only written two essays this month. This will make the third. That's not a good feeling. I think my writing comes from the same place as my illness. I had become comfortable in the swirl of emotional chaos I was living in, and now I've got to get used to doing things more deliberately. Maybe my writing will be slower but more coherent? Who knows. Regardless, I know why people go off their meds. One becomes nostalgic for their place of origin, even if that place of origin looks a lot like hell. We're pattern seeking animals after all, and even chaos has its patterns.

Here's to hoping I can continue to adjust to the sane world. Things look promising, I just have to ignore that small voice telling me to go back to the devil I know.


Originally posted to Spencer Troxell on Sun Sep 29, 2013 at 07:33 AM PDT.

Also republished by Mental Health Awareness and KosAbility.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Tip Jar (25+ / 0-)

    "Depend upon it, sir, when a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully." ~ Samuel Johnson

    by Spencer Troxell on Sun Sep 29, 2013 at 07:33:33 AM PDT

  •  Republished to Mental Health Awareness (5+ / 0-)

    That said, I've been med free for a couple years now. Primarily due to finances, but I also found that as I age, I've been able to think through episodes now, where I couldn't before. I don't recommend it as a matter of course for everyone, but I've been pretty involved in my med selections and treatments for the better part of 10 years now, and it seemed like a natural progression for me.

    I'd like to start a new meme: "No means no" is a misnomer. It should be "Only 'Yes' means yes." Just because someone doesn't say "No" doesn't mean they've given consent. If she didn't say "Yes", there is no consent.

    by second gen on Sun Sep 29, 2013 at 08:20:24 AM PDT

  •  Hang in there (7+ / 0-)

    Keep writing, it's an umbilical cord connecting you to a beautiful world.

  •  Good luck to you (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    postmodernista, libnewsie, blueoasis

    I think I know what you mean about the medications hurting your creativity based on what I experienced during my marriage. Fortunately, it sounds like in your case being "off your meds" has minimal impact on your marriage, but that's not always the case.

    My x-wife was a talented sculptor and potter who also suffered from schizophrenia and she was really tormented by how the medications limited her artistic ability.

    So long as she took the drugs she was able to function normally. She held down a job with an insurance company for a couple of years and things were going well at the time she decided to stop taking them.

    She quit her job and devoted herself to her art and everything went to hell in a hand basket in a very short time. She became violent and I actually feared for my life at one point.

    That's when I filed for divorce and sat down to write a marital settlement agreement.

    Looking back the main mistake I made was staying in the relationship for five years. I knew almost immediately after the marriage ceremony that I'd made a serious mistake and within a month she was in a mental hospital.

    That's when I should have said bye-bye and I could have avoided a lot of pain and misery. My marriage was like a roller coaster ride and there was a huge cost to staying in the marriage. It wasn't until years after my divorce I realized how high a price I had paid mostly in terms of lost opportunity.

    The only trouble with retirement is...I never get a day off!

    by Mr Robert on Sun Sep 29, 2013 at 11:15:22 AM PDT

  •  A few years ago I went off the meds (4+ / 0-)

    I was on, and the results were not disastrous, but not great either. I think I'm on more effective meds now, and that's helping me stay on them, most of the time.

    Gondwana has always been at war with Laurasia.

    by AaronInSanDiego on Sun Sep 29, 2013 at 12:33:41 PM PDT

  •  I am the devil (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Alexandra Lynch, blueoasis, Mr Robert

    in your metaphor. Admittedly, when I was looked at, medication was not really considered, but that was a long time ago, and the times, and the culture, and also the pure technical progress of medication were quite different then. In any case, I shrugged my shoulders at them then and I have stuck to the one thing I know: refuse normality. High price, I have basically had no life, or, nothing that would count as one, but I am just not willing to try to become normal. I´ll die sooner (and hopefully sooner).

  •  republished to KosAbility (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    blueoasis, Mr Robert

    am currently having a dip myself, and reminding myself that the medicine is very, very necessary. Thanks for the diary.

    Anyone who scoffs at happiness needs to take their soul back to the factory and demand a better one. -driftglass

    by postmodernista on Sun Sep 29, 2013 at 03:38:50 PM PDT

  •  I take my meds consistently, I'm doing ok. Hope (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Mr Robert

    you stay well and thanks for this great personal post.

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