Good Morning Gus Community!
Good Morning effervescent and thanks for bringing me in so soon. I am very happy to be back among you in the Gus community. As I wrote in your diary (Friday) in a comment to flumptytail, I wanted to write to seek a bit of relief for this health-beaten heart in the form of advise from some of the wonderful folks I have come to know here.
Perhaps some after read this will scratch their head and conclude I make no sense, but I`m giving it a try.
Viola! was right effervescent. Your surprise on short notice really put me on my toes -- or putting it more bluntly, on my butt, to write this morning`s Open Thread.
The comment I made to flumptytail in your diary derived from a quoted written statement she had read made by James Earl. As close as I could come to understanding the quote I read, I think it had to do with teaching students. Specifically, I took it to mean not only school students, but children in general because who else is a student if not our children we teach?
I wish we would teach students more about what makes people tick. That would include some of the fun neurology books like "The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing" and "The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat"
To me, the quote triggered a flash in my mind that took me back in time to look at my own student, my Grand daughter. And this diary was born. Those same quoted words seem to haunt me for reasons I will explain below. What most of the quote in question here means to me...teaching a child. I`m a tad depressed.
And that mood is something that I have worked diligently to avoid since leaving the hospital this past June after my heart attack. Depression is a no-no for me, and I know it.
Good Morning James Earl. Thank you for your comment. I hope you can add a man`s voice to this story. It is not strictly a ladies question. Welcome to ole Texan`s world. You are right. We meet a lot of good folks here when writing diaries. I hope you write more often.
Please let me tell you my story.
I smoked most of my life. Anything that produced smoke I would lite it up, daily and without shame, anything. So you can imagine what you will. I really thought it was so cool, even pretending when as a young boy that smoking made the man. I even recall checking my chest for any sign of growing hair and liked walking around with a cigarette tucked onto my ear. I looked so cool, I thought. Hey, I even smoked "Cools", remember that brand of smokes? So how cool was I?
It took me many years of reading the dangers of smoking but hey, when one is strung out on nicotine, nothing and no one knows better than me, I thought. So I kept on doing it and even my arrogance in old age told me that I was the King of my castle and I could smoke within my fortress whenever I pleased -- knowing how much it bothered my wife and kids as no one in my family smoked at home, or away for that matter.
The irony here is that no one ever challenged the King or confronted me. But I have learned that my kids grew up respecting dad, right or wrong.
But then she came into my life.
It was on a bitter, harsh cold December 20th, 1994. You know, just before Christmas in Milwaukee, snow and ice on the ground as cold days here go. My daughter brought home a new born child in a wicker basket from the hospital. She placed the child on the coffee table that was in front of me, fully wrapped in warm red woolen clothes and a Santa`s cap. We had been expecting her presence but I would have never imagined the feeling that rushed through my entire body and soul upon seeing the child so close to me. My Grand Daughter.
At first I was allowed very brief holdings of the child in my arms. My wife would take her upstairs where my daughter lived at the time in our large duplex home. I could see in my daughters eyes as I briefly held the child that she appeared worried. Mother`s instinct, I thought. She could have been afraid I might drop the child. I was so wrong I would learn very quickly indeed.
My daughter is a Registered Nurse and I think I have mentioned that previously. I quickly found out the reason why my wife would not permit me to hold the child and the reason why they kept the child upstairs --- Agghh, such disrespect, when the king was downstairs waiting!!
I am embarrassed to say that my wife made me realize how dangerous second hand smoke was for the child. In winter we maintain all windows sealed so no air gushes in or out. So go and figure that out. Either I quit smoking for the child`s sake or I must never again smoke inside the house - ever, she admonished me. If I had to smoke, I had to do it outside, and stay outside until the stink of the nicotine left my clothes and hair. I mean my wife read me the riot act that day and after so many years of being married to her, I know when to bow.
After a few attempts to brave the cold outside to take a few drags from my new brand of smokes "Pall Mall", hey they lasted longer! and kicked ass stronger, I realized it was not worth it. I threw my cigarette lighter and pack of smokes as far as I could out into the street.
I had to quit smoking
And I did. Cold Turkey as I have written here and elsewhere several times. But to write about the price I paid for this would required two diaries, something I am not prepared to do. But trust me, it was tough and painful. I have not smoked since Christmas 1994. I like to think it was my present to the child. But what saved my life just recently when I had a heart attack was my present from her.
My cardiologist said that it was very important for the heart that I did not smoke.
And here what I write and show you below is my take on the quote in question that
triggered this diary. I see the quote one hundred percent true. I know it to be so.
teach one a little about the chemistry of the brain and also some of the good books on "thinking" like Albert Ellis' "Guide To Rational Living" and books on cognitive therapy.
My daughter eventually returned to work. My wife and I raised the child. Well actually I like to take half credit for that. She took her first steps towards me on our living room carpet. I taught her how to read as soon as she was able to understand words. My daughter would bring books from the library and I would spend many many hours of the days of the weeks teaching the child how to pronounce words.
We all know how fast a child`s brain captures words whether spoken or taught to them. I was so proud when she began to repeat what I was teaching her. She loved to repeat when I said to her "it is so BOR-R-R-RING being king". I taught her how to stretch the sounds of the r`s in this word and she laughed her little head off doing that. But the king was never bored.
When she was around three or four years old I taught her how to play Tic Tac Toe. It would only take her a short time to learn the game. I could not beat her in the game a bit later on. She captured the game of chess with the same ease, and she grew. Geeezzz, if I could sit here and tell you just how much I taught that child you probably would abandon me and never talk to me again..It was soooo much!
She became very enamored with little animals and quickly got her first dog at around four years old...and a large Umbrella Cockatoo Parrot. Giovani was a full blooded Boxer dog she started calling Gio. The dog grew up along side of her into a monster of a muscled pointed-eared gentle companion that watched over her.
The umbrella Cockatoo Parrot, she named after Elmo from Sesame Street, her favorite T.V. show then.
In this picture you can see my little princess has taken over my castle. She sits outside on the patio with Elmo at her side, both laughing like crazy. She taught the bird how to laugh and talk. Amazingly, I would look in disbelief how the bird would not fly away, but instead would protect the child if someone came too close.
The child grew into a beautiful young lady who brought home to her grandpa grades from her school card reports mostly A`s and once in a while a B. This past year she graduated from high school wanting to follow in her Mom`s steps by going to college. She started classes by going to college right here in Milwaukee`s University of Wis., buying her own car and having a job.
She attends classes very early in the morning that by eleven a.m. she is on her way home to get ready for work, plays a mean piano and sang with her church`s choir and that made for my only visits to the church -- only to hear her sing.
She also plays a violin very well. I went to see her play once in her school.
A couple of days ago my world seemed to crumble under me. I just learned, not from my grand daughter, but from my wife. All the dreams I had for my princess and all the inspirations of feeling my soul lifted above the cares of everyday life, of being in a state of mind where everything was possible for my princess came crashing down.
My princess is pregnant!!
Wow, the news floored me. This is why I wrote above that you might think after reading this that I make no sense. After writing this far on the diary I would have to agree with you. But I still have a question for you though. If you have experienced seeing your first grand child born, and you raised that child.
This coming November 20th. my not too little princess anymore, will be 19 years of age.
So why am I so down? I do not know.
Of every angle I have tried to put blame for my failure, I blame my life itself. I blame it for coming at me so fast and furious that it swept away my little princess in the process and making her so old. She was never a woman in my eyes before this. I am crushed.
I would really appreciate some input about my feelings. I will always respect you even if you tell me I am being childish, ( and feel free to fill in the spaces ........here).
As I get ready to get this diary published I have yet to hear the news from my princess.
Finally, as to James Earl`s quoted message. I agree. I know all parents, whether grandparents, great greats would all agree the it must be normal for me to feel so betrayed by life itself for stealing the dreams I had for my little princess. Granted, she can still go forth in life as she had planned.
And granted, we much teach our students with the tools mentioned in the quote. But I would never would`ve taught my princes "not to like boys".
But to this old man, it will never again be the same..I ask you, why?
If you feel uncomfortable because an old man who will live to be 100 years old is asking for advise about his own family, please be my guest and say so. I will always
respect you. All I ask is a little heads up, on
What is this heart to do?
I Promise