Despite the last minute attempts by dog owners to defund President Obama's showcase legislation, the ACA (Affordable Cat Act) became law at midnight. What does this mean to you (and your person)? Below are some of the benefits of the Affordable Cat Act and how they effect you, a cat:
"Medicinal" catnip! Safe and legal! Need we say more? OK, we will say more anyway!
You get lower costs on premium cat food! Food (both canned and dry) that was originally designated for poor people who are denied food stamps will be delivered to you instead.
Additionally, Kitten Insured Basic Breakfast and Lunch Services (KIBBLS) and Plan B (Birds) coverage is guaranteed!
Essential cat health benefits are covered including Unpleasent Trips To The Vet, Spay and Neuter Services (SANS) and Shots to Prevent Ugly Stuff from Happening (SPUSH), all activities that your person will value.
Most preexisting conditions are covered (However, exceptions may include: Shedding on black clothing, hairballs, thinking outside the (cat) box, licking private parts in the center of the living room with company present and/or other activities depending upon the embarrassment level of your person.
Tail insurance, including protection from small children and rocking chairs. Finally!
YouTube Deluxe: Guarantees that should you end up in a YouTube video riding a Roomba that your identity will be fully protected.
LOL Coverage: Should you end up in a cute Web photo you will at least get to choose the caption.
You become eligible to hack a hairball onto Ted Cruz’ shoes.
However, some myths about the Affordable Cat Act still exist:
• Can my person choose their own vet? Your vet will not change, even if you would prefer that they did.
• Will the ACA come between me and my vet? No! The only thing to come between you and your vet are your claws and teeth.
• Will my person take me to the pound if s/he doesn’t buy into the ACA? No! They think you’re too cute. You are safe.
• Will the ACA ruin small pet supply stores? No! With Affordable Cat Act care the purchase of small jingling toys that you will ignore while you play with the wrapper that it came in instead will certainly increase.
• What is the Medical Device Tax? It doesn’t apply to you. Cats don’t get medical devices. Your person, maybe.
• Is this law a job killer? With the ACA there is a possibility that cat owners will not have to take on a second job to afford owning a cat, thus killing jobs. However the Congressional Cat Office has concluded that this will be a rare occurrence because most cat owners will do anything to keep their cat happy, including taking on a second or perhaps even a third job.
• Isn’t this “socialism?” Of course it is, dummy. Cats are social creatures, which is why you live in the lap of luxury in the first place. Sheesh…
In closing, the Affordable Cat Act is a positive step forward for cats and their people.
Without it the world would be going to the dogs.