In a stunning escalation of the federal government shutdown confrontation, Republican Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) has vowed to blow up the Statue of Liberty unless President Obama agrees to his Party's demands. Tea Party members from across the country have assembled on Liberty Island armed with explosive vests and assault rifles, and say they are poised to carry out Cruz's threat unless the GOP's demands are met. "We're here because of freedom," said Tea Partier Gunny McGunderson, lovingly stroking the stock of his AR-15 from his perch near the base of the statue. "And with freedom, there's freedom. I want freedom, so...all you better do what I say or I'm gunna blow shit up. Like this French dyke statue all you libruls love so much." "Spoken like Thomas Jefferson," said Senator Cruz upon hearing his comrade's words, tears of inspiration in his eyes.
Cruz's list of demands as delivered to the President are extensive:
1. An across-the-board 100% tax cut for all Republican campaign contributors, and an equivalent tax increase on Democratic campaign contributors and people of "undesirable races."
2. Buy every Republican federal office-holder a new car, and pay their divorce expenses with taxpayer money. Because family values.
3. Officially make it an act of terrorism to vote against Republicans, laugh at a Republican, or roll one's eyes when a Republican is speaking.
4. Change the wording of all criminal laws to include the phrase "except when a Republican does it."
5. Give employers the lawful right of life and death over all employees, children of employees, and people who come within 100 yards of company property.
6. All radio stations must play Rush Limbaugh 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and all citizens must listen to him at least one hour per day or be detained as enemy combatants in a corporate reeducation camp.
7. Make it a felony to insult or otherwise make insulting insinuations about the size of Ted Cruz's penis.
8. Ordinary citizens must refer to millionaires as "Your Lordship," and billionaires as "Your Highest and Most Superb Excellency." Republicans in these privileged categories must also be referred to as "Belovedest of Jesus" and "Almighty Job Creator." Failure to address in this fashion will give the offended person a self-defense right to open fire upon the offender, since such disrespect signifies hostile Communist intent.
9. Reinstitute slavery, and rescind the vote from women.
10. Legally redefine 5 + 5 as 11, so that Ted Cruz will retroactively have passed math in school.
11. Mandate that the Homeland Security Department be on call to enforce Republican noise complaints about their neighbors, deport traffic cops who give them tickets, and have teachers who give their children poor grades removed to CIA black sites for enhanced interrogation.
12. The Martin Luther King Jr. statue on the Mall must be torn down and replaced with a 50-foot-high solid gold statue of Timothy McVeigh.
13. Those with a net worth of $100,000 or greater must have the legal right to urinate on homeless people without consequence. Denying this right would be an affront to freedom.
President Obama has called these demands "unreasonable," and Fox News has criticized the President's response as a "Hitlerian attack on all that is holy and American, clearly proving Mr. Obongo to be a Kenyan Muslim Soshlist."
5:09 PM PT: BREAKING NEWS: Another Tea Party terrorist force has stormed NPR headquarters, shouting "Dollar-u-akhbar!", and is forcing the announcers to read Atlas Shrugged on the air while threatening to behead them if they don't convert to Objectivism.
5:18 PM PT: The FBI was not immediately available for comment on the situation as they were busy organizing tanks and fighter-bombers to be used in raiding a marijuana farm. Federal SWAT teams had also been deployed to capture an individual wanted on suspicion of academic plagiarism and two counts of illegally downloading episodes of Fringe. "We're sure this other thing with the politics will work itself out," assured an FBI agent on condition of anonymity. "It's not critical like these cases."