WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Congress moved last night to shut down the governments of France, Britain, Sweden, Norway and Germany, "until such time as those countries rescind universal health care for their people." According to reports coming out of the Joint Standing Committee on Sitting Around and Doing Nothing, Plus Lying, a timeframe has been set for compliance.
"The overreach of these governments," said House Speaker John Boehner, "demonstrates an overweening hubris which almost matches President Obama's, here in our own great country. To take away the freedom of choice from millions of people like that…" Overcome with emotion, the Speaker couldn't continue with his statement. He is said to be resting comfortably at home.
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell issued a followup statement, which he claimed clarified Republican intentions. "It has come to our attention that there are other countries besides the United States. Some of these countries actually have the gall to offer universal health care. Imagine, not allowing their own people to die when they want to! It goes against all principles of the markets!"
McConnell continued, "The leaders in these capitals know who they are, I'm sure I don't. These ministers or caliphs or whoever they are should turn back from their unwise and manifestly illegal course now, today... or at least by tonight… actually we're giving them 48 hours, or they will be turned back by force of arms wielded by the greatest military on earth. Just sayin'."
President Barack Obama continued his days-long campaign of standing up for his party's core principles, telling reporters, "I don't think it's a very good idea and I wish Congress wouldn't do that. I have sent cables to the leaders of those countries to ascertain what they think of Congress's vote. I doubt they'll like it any more than I do."
The President for Just a Thousand or So Days More added, "However, they should remember that Congress is one of the three branches of government. I have reminded my counterparts in the affected countries that these are the people who can declare and make war, so careful consideration is advised. But if they disband their health care systems in the timeframe offered I'm pretty sure I can work out a compromise with Congress that will avoid a shutdown of sites such as Normandy Beach and Stonehenge. Well, at least Normandy Beach."