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You might all enjoy that more than me because I don't  have time to read it. But it's supposedly funny.

In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America:


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.

3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.
5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.

8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

13. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

14. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

16. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).

17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.

18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

19. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

20. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Thank you for your cooperation.
God Save the Queen!

tell me if it was funny


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Comment Preferences

  •  I am so dependent I have to go and work ... (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    rebel ga, Visceral

    hope you don't mind. Enjoy.

  •  Will we get more Indian restaurants? (5+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    ItsaMathJoke, Rogneid, rebel ga, dskoe, chimene

    I live under the bridge to the 21st Century.

    by Crashing Vor on Tue Oct 08, 2013 at 08:57:11 AM PDT

  •  I found it very funny. (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    mimi, rebel ga, chimene

    I also thought the basic premise was not too far off the mark.

  •  I can adjust to just about anything (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    mimi, rebel ga

    except them taking away baseball. They can have it when they pry it from my cold dead hands. It just isn't cricket to take away our baseball. On the other hand, after watching Farrell mismanage the Red Sox last night, going too long with Buchholz, and then burning through most of his bullpen in one inning, maybe they can take away my baseball after all.

    Just another underemployed IT professional computer geek.

    by RhodeIslandAspie on Tue Oct 08, 2013 at 09:00:44 AM PDT

  •  Funnily enough (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    mimi, chimene

    This proposal, in reverse, is one of the sub-plots of George Bernard Shaw's The Apple Cart. The opening scene has an analysis (in part a critique of the Gettysberg Address) which is interesting:

    Democracy, then, cannot be government by the people: it can only be government by consent of the governed.  Unfortunately, when democratic statesmen propose to govern us by our own consent, they find that we dont want to be governed at all, and that we regard
    rates and taxes and rents and death duties as intolerable burdens.
    What we want to know is how little government we can get along with without being murdered in our beds.

    We will work, we will play, we will laugh, we will live. We will not waste one moment, nor sacrifice one bit of our freedom, because of fear.

    by Lib Dem FoP on Tue Oct 08, 2013 at 10:36:02 AM PDT

  •  we'd need to pick our own monarch (0+ / 0-)

    I have to admit that separating the tribal figurehead role from the manager/policymaker role does often sound like a good idea.  Ideally, it'd free people to vote for sound (i.e. progressive) policies, confident that their white bread identity is officialized through other means.

    The problem is that most of the obvious choices for American royalty (i.e. a walking, talking cultural force) would not be acceptable to the people for whom the tribal figurehead role is vastly more important to them.

    Domestic politics is the continuation of civil war by other means.

    by Visceral on Tue Oct 08, 2013 at 11:23:01 AM PDT

    •  Oh really... (1+ / 0-)
      Recommended by:

      Given the hysteria of much of the countries population for our royal family, I think we could probably persuade you that Liz Windsor was a good choice for the role. Particularly since you get Andy and Kate as part of the package.

      She's got it all - A lifestyle that makes the Kardashians envious, but the dignity not to be trashy about it. Enough drama in her own family to satisfy the reality-show crowd. She hunts, she fishes, she's an excellent horsewoman and a decent shot.

      She's also the head of the Anglican church, although she's got the sense to leave well enough alone and let the Archbishop of Canterbury take all the blame.


      •  I get it ... but I think she's too posh & Euro (0+ / 0-)

        The idea is that the royals are just a bigger and better version of yourself and your family, rather than something magnificently alien.  The kind of Americans who place the most importance on the leader representing the tribe and who therefore vote for someone they identify with - who validates their value system and lifestyle through his own words and deeds - as opposed to someone who actually knows what they're doing, they're the ones I'd be hoping to distract by giving them their own ideals made flesh.

        American royalty would have to be American by birth back several generations at least, and furthermore they'd have to be culturally Southern or Midwestern, with all the hunting, fishing, and horse riding echoing the salt-of-the-earth virtue of rural rather than aristocratic life.  They'd have to be three full immersions Baptist and would be expected to preach through action: worshiping publicly and modelling orthodox faith and life - lots of kids, patriarchy, no vices, etc.

        Domestic politics is the continuation of civil war by other means.

        by Visceral on Tue Oct 08, 2013 at 12:26:15 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  Cant be done, Old Boy... (0+ / 0-)

          I'm afraid it takes a good few millennia of selective breeding and assorted internal nastiness to breed royalty properly. I'm afraid your current aristocracy would barely be considered "street thugs with money" - Hardly the image one wants to project, dont you know?

          I'm afraid your country is a little young to have established the proper base for such an effort, although you do seem to be following our tried and tested model - Have a nice nasty civil war, then a couple hundred years later get your arses kicked in Afghanistan.. You've been doing remarkably well at playing catch-up, you're only a couple centuries behind the curve at this point. Really, though, you made a bit of a balls-up early on, this pesky "constitution" thing. We'd have given you a copy of Magna Carta if you had only asked. You really should have set up your experimental monarchy right then and you could have used your civil war the same way we did, to remind your royalty of their proper place by the time honoured method of offing one publicly and messily. You'd be much further along in your project by now if you had...


        •  The Duck Dynasty crew? (0+ / 0-)

          Not exactly my cuppa.  How did Bill Murray describe Americans in "Stripes" -- "our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world."  We need, no demand, a Stuart or Bonaparte monarch, to live up to that tradition.  Or even better, somebody who's both a Stuart and a Bonaparte.  There must be one somewhere with a measurable IQ.

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