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7 Handy Tips for Surviving a Republican Government Shutdown

1. Bourbon Highball  Mix two ounces of bourbon with your choice of ginger ale, club soda or water. Add lemon peel and ice cubes. Stir while chuckling at catastrophic GOP poll numbers.

2. Screwdriver  Pour one-and-a-half ounces vodka and five ounces of orange juice over ice cubes. Stir while extending middle finger at Fox News on TV until mixed to taste.

Sippy cup by Foogo
My golden rule: always use a
sippy cup that's up to the task.
3. Rusty Nail: Pour three quarters of an ounce of scotch into a glass with ice cubes. Float Drambuie on top. Optional: add tears from a Young Republicans recruiting captain.

4. Can of Beer: Push tab to open. Drink. Crush can to symbolize current Republican 2014 election prospects.

5. Whiskey Sour: Add juice of half a lemon, half a teaspoon of powdered sugar, and one-and-a-half ounces of blended whiskey into cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Add cherry. When glass is empty, dazzle friends by popping cherry into mouth and tying stem into a knot with tongue to demonstrate what Democrats are currently doing to Republicans.

6. Virgin Margarita: Load two ounces simple syrup and one ounce each of lemon juice, orange juice and lime juice into a Super Soaker and shoot it across the room into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake as if you're John Boehner's hand holding a Camel Ultra Light. Serve.

7. Flip: Mix one cup beer [a stout like Guinness works best], two tablespoons of molasses, and one ounce Jamaican-style rum into mug or tankard. Heat loggerhead to red-hot in an open fire [a fireplace poker knocked clean of ashes will do], then thrust into drink. Keep loggerhead in place until, unlike Republicans, foaming and sputtering ceases.

Bonus Tip: Mix vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce and milk in a blender. Pour into tri-corn hat, stand outside a tea party meeting and shout, "I...drink...your...MILKSHAKE! Thrrp Thrrp Thrrrrrrrrrp!!!"

Pour a stiff one and come on downstairs and splash. Your west coast-friendly edition of  Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 11, 2013

Note: Remember back in 1971 when I was seven and you asked me to remind you about the roast in the oven?  [Tap Tap!]  Don't forget about the roast in the oven.


Arizona Taco Festival poster 2013
8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til election day: 25
Days 'til the Arizona Taco Festival in Scottsdale: 8
Date on which CA Gov. Jerry Brown signed bills expanding access to abortion services and eliminating unnecessary regulations on clinics: 10/8/13
(Source: Think Progress)
Number of foreclosure actions taken in the 3rd quarter, down 39% from the third quarter of 2012: 174,366
Last time foreclosure actions were that low: 2006
(Source: RealtyTrac)
Republican party's current (and all-time low) favorable rating with the American public, versus 43% for the Democrats: 28%
(Source: Gallup poll)
Percent chance that fat-bottomed girls make the rockin' world go 'round: 100%
(Source: Queen)


Puppy Pic of the Day: Fox News


CHEERS to Janet Yellen.  Since everyone else is doing it, I feel obligated to post a list of Essential Facts You MUST Know About the First Chairwoman of the Federal Reserve:

The Force is strong
with this Democrat.
4. She used to work at that socialist hippie academy known as The University of California at Berkeley.
5. She's currently Vice Poobah at the Federal Reserve and was Viceroy of the San Francisco Fed before that.
1. She believes that the main goal of the Fed is "maximum employment."
3. Doctors had to install special resistors along her neural pathways to prevent her brainpower from causing brownouts in major U.S. metropolitan areas.
2. Newt Gingrich models his hairstyle after Yellen's. Nobody except Gingrich finds this not creepy.
But the most important thing you should know about Janet Yellen: her birthday---eight days after mine---is August 13, making her a bona fide Leo.  And therefore absolutely perfect in every way.

Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern in
Speaker Boehner and Majority Leader
Cantor explain how they have
Democrats on the ropes.
JEERS to the Gang That Couldn't Kidnap Straight.  As the world watches the United States take itself hostage (and, let's not forget, while we're literally fighting a war in another country), the Republican hostage-takers, cornered like rats, are offering a new deal.  David Kurtz at TPM sums it up this way:
It's getting hard to keep track of the hostage metaphors here, but if I have this right then the latest from Boehner means the House GOP is keeping both hostages---government shutdown and debt limit---but has agreed not to shoot the debt limit in the head for another six weeks.
The hostage known as "shutdown" has, of course, already been sacrificed.  But, hoping no one will notice, the GOP has propped it up in a chair, smeared some rouge on its calcified cheeks, stuck a beer can in its hand and pointed it at the TV.  Epic fail.  They forgot one thing: it still stinks.

CHEERS to naval gazing.  238 years ago this Sunday, the Continental Congress said, "Sure, why not?" (more accurately, "Sureth, why noteth?") to arming two ships with cannons.  Little did they know that they had just formed the United States Navy.  Today, of course, Congress would give the (no-bid) cannon contract to McDonnell Douglas, tack on twenty billion dollars in pork, and label anyone who didn't vote for it a terrorist appeaser.  See?  We learn as we go.

Augustus von Prima Porta (20-17 v. Chr.), aus der Villa Livia in Prima Porta, 1863.
Gov. LePage, lower left,
admiring his new statue.
JEERS to Governor Powergrab.  Maine Governor Paul LePage did something odd late Wednesday.  Without consulting anyone from the legislature, he declared a "civil emergency" in the state which, among other things, grants him unfettered power to ignore existing laws, make up new ones, and---this is true, look it up---hurl lightning bolts at dissenters.  Of course, he claims this is all just an innocent and necessary action in response to the federal shutdown.  But...
House Speaker Mark Eves, D-North Berwick, said efforts to lend a little definition to LePage’s proclamation were “met with a cold shoulder.”  That leaves all of Maine, as usual, waiting with bated breath to see what the Big Guy has up his sleeve this time: A helping hand? Or, as many state workers have good reason to fear, is it a clenched fist?
I'd feel better if he hadn't bellowed his announcement from a statehouse balcony while shaking his fist in the air with Ride of the Valkyries playing from his office 8-Track.  But, in his defense, at least he didn’t release any flying monkeys this time.  These days that's what we call restraint.

Bonnie and Clyde
1975: The Clintons on
their honeymoon.
CHEERS to the sanctity of marriage.  Happy 38th Anniversary to former President and future First Husband Bill and future President and former First Lady Hillary Clinton!  According to the Texas School Board-approved Big Pop-up Book of American History, they got hitched on October 11, 1975 while running from the Feds during a string of bank robberies, after which they bribed and murdered their way to the Arkansas governor's mansion, where they participated in masked spouse-swapping parties while dipping their enemies in slopgrease and feeding them to the hogs out in the back yard next to their bribe cash vault.  What can we say?  That's amore!

Still from
Now swimming on DVD: Monty
Python's "The Meaning of Life"
30th anniversary edition.
CHEERS to home vegetation.  Here's our weekly weekend preview of stuff that show up on your TV besides totally awesome reruns of Star Trek.  There's a showdown of sorts tonight as Alec Baldwin's new MSNBC talk show Up Late competes with HBO's Real Time.  Alec has New York Mayor-in-waiting Bill de Blasio, and Bill's guests are Oliver Stone, Chris Matthews, Bushie Jim Glassman, Maya Wiley and CNBC's Carol Roth.  New DVD releases include the 30th anniversary edition Monty Python's The Meaning of Life (featuring the world's most famous "wafer-thin mint") and The Hangover Part III, which I understand was two hangovers two many.  The AL and NL baseball schedule is here (the Red Sox are preparing for the World Series by chewing on rusty nails---and growing their beards, of course) and the schedule for the tax-exempt, non-profit NFL is here.  (The Patriots will sin all over the Saints Ha Ha Ha!)  Bruce Willis hosts SNL.  On 60 Minutes: a kid who meddled with the forces of nature and came up with a diagnostic test for pancreatic cancer.

On Bill Moyers & Company, Bill talks with constitutional law professor Heather Gerken about the new campaignj finance case before the Supreme Court (that might be even worse than Citizens United) and historical novelist Joyce Appleby.  And here's your Sunday morning lineup---it'll be all about the Republicans' scorched-earth tactics (be prepared for lots of "But Democrats do it, too!!!"), but for shits and giggles let's check the male-female ratio among the hosts, guests and pundits:

Meet the Press: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Rob Portman (R-who supports gay marriage-OH); Leon Panetta; roundtable with Judy Woodruff, Chuck Todd, Kathleen Parker and Harold Ford.  Male-Female Ratio: 6:2
City council meeting vntage
Sunday morning on Fox News.
This Week: No idea.  They haven't updated their web site yet.  George must be out back smokin' weed.  So I'll take an educated guess: two male guests and one female guest, and two pundits of each.  Male-Female Ratio: 5:3

Face the Nation: This week it's Bob Schieffer's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping.  Plus: Sens. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and Kelly Ayote (R-NH); Mark Zandi from Moody's Analytics and Diane Swonk from Mesirow Financial; roundtable with Dee Dee Myers, Kimberley Strassel, Dan Balz and as listed on their official web page (last paragraph) "Newt Gingrinch"  Male-Female Ratio: 6:4

CNN's State of the Union: Senator Rand Paul (R-KY).  Other than that they haven't updated their web site.  Candy must be out back smokin' weed with George from This Week.  Male-Female Ratio: 1-1

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Bob Manchin (D-WV) and Bob Corker (R-TN); Senate Chaplain Barry Black; George Will (nice to see he's gone to the dark side), Evan Bayh, Dana Perino and Juan Williams.  Male-Female Ratio: 6:1

Final tally: 24 dudes, 11 dudettes.  Oy.  The networks' learning curve is sooooooo slow.


Five years ago in C&J: October 11, 2008

Bush bows to Chinese leader
And when he bowed to the leader of
China, Wall Street sighed with relief.
JEERS to the mysterious ways of Wall Street.  As I write this I'm watching President Bush speak on my teevee.  When he starts talking the Dow is down 90 points.  After he says he's personally working to solve the crisis, the Dow is down 142 points.  After he says other people---like, smart people---are also working on it, the Dow rises 190 points.  When Erin Burnett appears on CNBC and flares her dimples, the Dow pauses, growls, and goes up 50 points.  When she disappears and a couple old fogies with unusually large foreheads start yammering, the Dow plunges 300.  When they cut to a Geico commercial starring Billy Jean King and a caveman, the Dow drops 80, but when a commercial for toilet paper comes on, the Dow shoots up 150.  Conclusion: if we can get Erin and Cottonelle in the same frame, we might be okay.  Can I have my Ph.D. in Business now, please?


And just one more…

CHEERS to visibility.  Olly Olly Oxenfree!!!  Today is the 25th National Coming Out Day, an annual event designed "to promote a safe world for LGBT individuals to live truthfully and openly."

National Coming Out Day logo
I officially swung my closet door open on Saturday, December 14th, 1991, 17 years after I became aware of physical attraction to another person---a crush on a fifth-grade classmate at East Elementary School in Mount Vernon, Ohio who was, whaddyaknow, a dude.  Like every other human being I know, straight or gay, those feelings (aka that orientation) just happened---thank you, hormones and brain wiring.  If you ever want to flummox a right-winger in a "nature vs. nurture" debate, just ask them when they chose to be straight.  Hearing the rusty gears grind away in their heads as they contemplate that is always good fun.

Witnessing the rapid advancement of the LGBT movement has been nothing short of astonishing to me, and it's mainly because of some simple math: the more we come out, the more society at large---including the Daily Kos community, ya big lovable lugs---recognizes us, supports us, and advocates on our behalf towards the less-elusive-than-ever goal of full equality. (And we appreciate it more than you'll ever know.) Nobody said it better than good old Harvey Milk:

"Gay brothers and sisters, you must come out. Come out to your parents ... Come out to your relatives. Come out to your friends, if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors, to your fellow workers, to the people who work where you eat and shop. Come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake."
...and, of course, for your free toaster oven.

Have a great fall weekend.  (Them piles 'o leaves ain't gonna get jumped in all by themselves, y'know.)  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?



Who won the week?

13%561 votes
1%69 votes
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12%511 votes
30%1259 votes
5%226 votes
4%201 votes
15%629 votes
6%262 votes
5%217 votes
2%111 votes

| 4133 votes | Vote | Results

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