There has been a lot of talk about women lately. Raising awareness of Breast Cancer. Raising awareness of Sexual Violence. Walking a mile in her shoes. I decided that this year, for Halloween, I was going to be a woman. And I was going to wear this outfit to work, at a fairly conservative corporate office, and it was my goal not to get fired.
This was not going to be easy. Let me first say, I am a big fan of women. All my life, I have had many women friends. Real friends, not just women I wanted to have sex with, and settled for a platonic relationship with, instead. I have known, and do know some really intelligent, witty, fun and wonderful human beings who happen to be female. I have a fantastic mother and sister, and have had plenty of female role models my entire life. And yes, some women have been kind enough to have romantic relationships with me, and I can never thank them enough, especially the one who married me.
So it was important to me that I represented women properly, and not go out as some "joke" on womanhood, with ridiculous pillow breasts, chest or facial hair showing, or treat women as if they are some kind of made-up clowns. If I was going to do it, I was going to do it right. I knew I was going to have to make sacrifices. I would have to shave my chest. In case I was going sleeveless, I would have to shave my underarms. And in order to make the look tasteful, I would almost certainly have to shave my legs. And of course, the goatee and mustache would have to go. That was the most painful of all.
With all that in mind, I started by consulting my wife. I doubted all of this would make her uncomfortable in any way, but if it did, I would not go any further with it. Of course, she was an excellent consultant, and she quickly advised me against the five inch heeled platform pumps I was looking at online.
"You'll break your ankle in those," she advised me, and I had little doubt she was right.
I showed her some dresses I had looked at online, and she asked, "how do you know how they'll fit you? Have you ever worn a dress before?"
I think I did once, as a teenager, but I have no idea what size it was, how well it fit me, and besides, I have gained about 75 pounds since then.
I quickly determined there was only going to be one way to shop: in the stores. I started with Goodwill, because I wanted to keep costs down, but it was obvious I would have a lot of trouble finding something I liked, that fit, and wasn't hopelessly out of style. I was determined to represent, and wearing hand me down clothes wasn't going to be in the spirit of the exercise at all.
I went to JCPenney, at the Glenbrook Mall, here in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I figured the right thing to do was start with shoes. I had shopped this particular shoe department before, to find boots for my wife, and had always thought they had good prices and selection.
There were two fairly pretty young ladies, and a young man, who I have to admit I made the assumption was gay, working the counter. I was wearing jeans, a button down shirt, cowboy boots, and a leather jacket, and I walked up to the three of them, and said, "who is your best salesperson?"
They all looked at each other a little bit uncomfortably, and then mutually decided the very pretty brunette was the best.
I explained to her what my mission was, and that I really had no idea if I could walk in heels, and she and her two co-workers totally embraced my problem, and got me some little nylon footies, and brought me out various pairs of shoes, as we figured out my size, and what I could handle, and what would look good on me.
They more or less gave me "walking in heels" lessons, as I strode up and down the aisle, making a number of customers uncomfortable, and learning what I could and couldn't do. I decided on a cute pair of red suede Liz Claibornes, with three inch heels. I could walk in them, but just barely.
Pictures, and the rest of the story are at http://mellowinman.blogspot.com/...